I See You

I was sitting at Panera eating dinner after work one evening before I had to be at a meeting, staring out the window. I was somber this particular evening and I could hear inside my soul… “I see you.” 

I thought about that statement, then a flood of feelings entered my prayer. 

Do You really see me Lord, I wondered? Do You see me alone eating here this evening? Do You see my aching heart? Do You see my emptiness as I stare out this window blankly? Do You see the weight you’ve put on me? Do You see all that you have given then taken away from me? Do You really see me in all my sadness and barrenness? Do You see how much I try to be good for you and still fail? Do You see my desires? 

If You really saw, wouldn’t You take away that pain? Would You heal me once and for all? Wouldn’t You answer my prayers -- prayers that are essentially only to be filled with Your love, overcome sin, and know/do Your will? Wouldn’t You fulfill my deepest yearnings? 

Then the next day, I was drawn to a line in Judges 6 that I never heard before: If the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are His wondrous deeds?

At least I know I'm not alone in my questioning and feelings. Scripture echoes them.

These are questions we all have during times of suffering and when things don’t make sense. When we’ve prayed and prayed for healing and it doesn’t come. It’s in those times that it’s hard for me to believe that God really sees me. That He really notices. That He really is present always. 

I don’t know Your ways, God. They are mysterious to me. Maybe You do see me. Maybe I need help to see You.