Lessons in Forgiveness

When I was pregnant with my daughter last year, my husband and I got in a pretty big argument. It wasn't over anything that bad, really, but I'm the kind of person who lets frustrations pile up, until I reach a breaking point, which I did just before one of our ultrasound appointments, right there in the waiting room.

To be honest, I hardly remember what that embarrassingly public fight was about. But, I clearly recall the days afterward. I was mad. Seething. Each time my husband came home from work, I hardly spoke to him, afraid that if I did, I'd shout at him in front of our four year-old son. So, I stayed silent, fixing dinner, setting the table and folding laundry in visible - if not audible - anger.

My son sensed it. "Mommy, be nice to Daddy," he said throughout the week.

The following weekend, still burning with frustration, I exploded. In the car. On the way to our nephew's birthday party. In those moments - not the best of my marriage or motherhood - I said words I'm not proud of. "I'm done forgiving," I told my husband. "You do this all the time. How many times do I have to forgive the same thing?"

From the backseat, my son heard it.

So many times I've told him that when his cousins apologize after upsetting him, he must forgive them. So often I've taught him it's not okay to simply say, "It's okay," when someone apologizes to him. He has to say, "I forgive you." Regularly, I explain to him that I know he might not feel like saying it, but that forgiveness is a choice we have to make, it is something we must will ourselves to do.

When he's asked me why we must do this, it's an easy answer.

Because Jesus instructed us to. Because when Peter asked how often he must forgive his brother, Jesus replied, "seventy times seven", or, in other words, indefinitely (Mt 18:22). Because we have much for our Lord to forgive us, but if we cannot forgive others little things, then how can we ask the Lord to forgive us big things? Because Jesus told us that one of the greatest commandments is to love one another as He loves us (Mt 22:39), and as Paul explained in his first letter to the Corinthians, love "does not brood over injury" (1 Cor 13:5).

So, I tell my son these things. I walk him over to other children who've apologized to him so that he can say, "I forgive you." I want him to say the word "forgive" instead of "okay" or "fine" because I want forgiveness sewn into his heart and mind and soul.

And then, I turn around and harbor my own resentment. I lick my wounds incessantly instead of putting a band-aid on them and moving on. I stand in front of my son and refuse to forgive his father something so small I can't remember what it was.

My son hears that he must forgive but sees that, really, he doesn't have to. Because if Mommy doesn't, then why must he?

Jesus also taught that "whoever breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do so will be called least in the kingdom of heaven" (Mt 5:19). When we choose not to forgive others, we choose not to love them. If the greatest commandment is love, then when we choose not to forgive, we break the greatest commandment. What peril, then, we deserve. Doubly so for teaching others, most especially children, to do the same.

But, our Lord is merciful. Unlike us, He thirsts for us to come to Him, begging forgiveness. Unlike us, He forgives even the worst transgressions when we repent. Unlike us, He offers open Confessional doors to us, where He waits, hoping we'll show up so we can receive from Him the mercy we find it so hard to grant others.

I realized all this a year ago when I had to acknowledge what I nearly taught my son.

"Mommy," he asked as I tucked him into bed after returning home from the party, "why don't you have to forgive Daddy? He said he was sorry."

I was struck silent for a moment. Then, I forced myself to do what our Lord would ask of me, what He asked of me through my son. I apologized to my child for having done the wrong thing. I assured him that I love his father and that I do forgive him. And I called my husband in so that I could apologize to him and ask his forgiveness in front of our son.

And the following Saturday I went to Confession to seek the Lord's forgiveness, too.