The Truth about Marriage

My wife and I were standing in the Narthex after Mass. The homily that day was on marriage and divorce. While interesting, it was really nothing different than what we’ve heard before over the years. Suddenly, a woman came into the Narthex and exclaimed loudly, “If two men really love each other then what is wrong with them being married?” Another woman came up to my wife and me in tears saying that she did want her marriage to end the way that it did, but she was abandoned. Unfortunately, the homilist did not address unlawful marriages.

Marriage has existed since the time of creation. The first major covenant of the Bible is a marriage covenant entered into on the 7th day of creation, the Sabbath. Sabbath simply means, “A groom that rests in his bride.” This covenant leads us to the conclusion that God desires a nuptial relationship with His creation as evidenced in the book of the prophet Hosea. Moreover, this is why the marriage feast of the Lamb (Rev 19: 7) is the perfect bookend for the Bible when one considers the creation story in Genesis. A covenant is not a contract but a familia (i.e., an invitation to join a family). Moreover, the word “covenant” means to “seven one’s self” based on the story of creation. The Council of Verona—in 1184—made the declaration that marriage is a sacrament. While the secular world has adopted the word “marriage” from the Church, it remains a Church term and not secular term.

There are several places in scripture (e.g., Matt 19: 5; Ephesians 5:31; 1 Corinthians 6: 16) that reference marriage and link back to Genesis 2: 24 which states, ”That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” God created Adam from dust (Gen 2: 7), and Eve from Adam (Gen 2: 21 – 22). Adam exclaimed, “This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called ‘woman’, for out of man this one has been taken.” God created Eve from Adam’s rib (i.e., his center mass). This indicates that both men and women are equal in dignity, but they are not necessarily the same.

Also, we know that God created all things from the lowest order to the highest order. As such, woman—not man—is the pinnacle of God’s creation because she is the last creature created by God. This is why Satan approached Eve in the Garden of Eden instead of Adam, and why the Virgin Mary was approached by an Angel instead of St. Joseph to bring about God’s salvific plan. Eve and Mary—being women—represent the pinnacle of God’s creation.

In Gen 2: 15 God gave Adam the charge—before the fall—in Hebrew “abad shamar.” Abad means “to work or serve” and Shamar means “to guard or protect.” Adam was to maintain the status quo; however, as men we generally try to raise the status quo. This status quo represents foundation and stability. In fact, Jesus—quoting Psalm 118: 22—described Himself as the “cornerstone the builders rejected” (Matt 21: 42) upon which the Church, His bride, will be built upon implying foundation and stability.

Eve was created to be Adam’s helper (Gen 2: 18). And, what an incredible helper a woman is to a man! Women not only help maintain the status quo but build marvelously upon it because they tend to multiple everything they are given. For example—it has been said to men—if you give a woman a house she will give you a home; if you give a woman food she will give you a meal; if you give a woman your most intimate embrace she will give you children. Moreover, a women’s heart reflects the heart of Mary and the heart of the Church triangularly.

While I have spoken about the differences between men and women, it should be recognized that these attributes are not exclusive or strictly unique to only one sex; however, they tend to be predominate in a particular sex. Indeed, there exists overlap with respect to these attributes between sexes. Jesus demonstrates this cross-pollination of attributes when He says, ““Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how many times I yearned to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her young under her wings, but you were unwilling!” (Matt 23: 37) For example, while men tend to be single focused and women can more easily multitask, there are men that multitask well and there are women who are single focused.

The next item that needs to be addressed is the rational soul. The table below highlights the powers of a rational soul with respect to love and friendship:

People are spiritual and biological beings. With respect to being spiritual, we have an intellect and a will and—when combined—is the image of God. Angels also have an intellect and a will. Interestingly enough, when we say that “Jesus is begotten of the Father” we are really saying the Jesus is a manifestation of a perfect act of the Father’s intellect. (Matt 11: 27 and Luke 10: 22) When we say that the “Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son we are really saying that the Holy Spirit becomes manifest through the perfect act of the wills between the Father and the Son. The perfect acts of the wills between the Father and the Son that make the Holy Spirit manifest is called Spiration in Catholic terminology. Self-sacrificing love (i.e., Agape) is an act of the will. This is why Jesus said “And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.” (Matt 12: 32) To sin against the Holy Spirit means to reject God’s love which results in Hell where sins are not forgiven.

With respect to being biological beings, we have the powers of emotions and appetites. Sometimes—and generically—these two powers are grouped together and called the concupiscence power of the soul. While emotions can be equated with feelings, the appetites need a bit more explanation. The appetite is where things like sexual lust and desire reside. The appetites is also where survival needs also reside like the eating, the need for shelter, clothing, etc. In fact, it can be thought of—to some extent—as Maslow’s lowest level within hierarchy of needs.

Agape love is self-sacrificing love. Self-sacrificing does not equate to self-diminishing. Within the context of a marriage, some sacrifice may have to be made so that each spouse can fully realize their God given charisms. Everyone has more than one charism and one of them, within the set of charisms, charisms may take different priorities after marriage. For example, a woman may be gifted to become an engineer but found a desire and gift for motherhood. She may decide to pursue one or the other, or she may pursue both. This is why it is said when the right couple is wed that the “sum of the parts is greater than the sum of the whole.” Each spouse is a better person because of the other. The point is that marriage should be a foundation of growth for each spouse because the other is willing to make sacrifices so that one can be enriched by acts of the other.

Each spouse must be dedicated to the other so that no matter what life brings there is a sense of contentment, comfort, and security. This is important because not every night is candlelight dinners and romantic music. Of course, love at the emotional level will be present; however, the foundation of marriage must be Agape love.

Philo is where we care about someone—perhaps a lot—but we are far from willing to make significant self-sacrifices for them. Eros is where we obtain the word erotic. Eros is a love that desires to please oneself at the expense of another. Philo and Eros type relationships are typified by high levels of anxiety, because each partner knows that they are only wanted as long as they can provide pleasure and satisfy desires of their partner. Anxiety in these types of relationships was identified by Saint Pope JPII in his teaching concerning the “Theology of the Body.”

With respect to Agape, Philo and Eros types of love it is time to make a specific point about the conjugal act (i.e., sexual act), or what is routinely called by the Church, the “marital-debt.” The objective of marriage is to get each other to Heaven, and the possible fruit of marriage are conjugal acts. In fact, the Church recognizes Josephite marriages—or spiritual marriages—where the marital-debt is never paid to the spouse even though the physical ability to perform conjugal act exists. In short, marriages without ever paying the marital-debt can still be valid marriages. A Josephite marriage is how we would describe the marriage between St. Joseph and the Virgin Mary. However, the payment of the marital-debt cannot be withheld when demanded.

Marriage is about relationship. With respect to utilitarian, one partner uses another to establish a relationship like a boss and subordinate. Pleasurable friendships are those where two people enjoy each other’s company by going fishing or attending sporting events together; however, the limits of the friendship are set by the pleasurable activities performed together. Virtuous relationships are those that lead each other to become virtuous people. Marriage needs to be based upon a virtuous relationship. It is by our virtue that we attain Heaven.

With respect to virtue, Ephesians 5: 22 – 25—which is read in the liturgy of the Mass periodically—may make wives squirm a bit because it states “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord” and men feel superior. However, this writing is not about “who’s the boss,” it is about the operation of the domestic Church that exists within individual families and is modeled after the universal Church.

In this regard, the husband has a duty to be the spiritual director and establish moral decision making standards—when the husband and wife cannot collaboratively agree—and the wife has the obligation to follow the spiritual direction and honor the moral decision standards set by her husband. This is the same type of situation that exists between a Bishop and the Priests who they have been given authority over, or Christ and His Church. This is a tremendous responsibility! For example, it has been shown—when children bless the marriage—even if the mother takes the children to Mass every Sunday and all Holy Days of Obligation, there is a high probability that the children—when grown—will not continue to attend Mass if the father does not attend. Continuing, St. Paul writes “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her.” (Ephesians 5:25). How much did Christ love the Church? He died for the Church. In short, husbands must be willing to die for their wives out of love. This is indeed a very high price for the husband to pay if need be.

With respect to the wedding vow, the Church embraces the teaching of St. Augustine. St. Augustine taught that the vow is actually in three parts. These parts are (1) life-long commitment, (2) exclusivity to one person and (3) open to the possibility of new life. The wedding vow is a sacrament that spouses make to each other, before God in a Church, and the Church clergy becomes a witness to the vow given. Each spouse must freely—and without any coercion—make this vow to each other. Obviously, there must also be a high enough level of maturity by the spouses to ensure each part of the vow taken will be kept. It is the part of the vow, “open to the possibility of new life” that excludes the possibility of a same-sex marriages because new life cannot biologically happen.

Given the background presented above, we can derive a list of some of the questions to ask a couple contemplating marriage. These questions are:

A comedian once remarked, “Today, it’s not a serious relationship unless there is a pregnancy involved.” However, in the event of a pregnancy as a result of an out-of-wedlock conjugal act, the pregnancy in and of itself is not justification for marriage. The questions presented above must be answered in the affirmative to warrant a marriage.

Conversely and generically, annulments of marriage granted by the Church takes place when it is determined that the questions presented above were answered in the affirmative, yet not kept or meant. Indeed, a quick review of Canon Law finds a bulk of the material deals with marriage and is based upon the questions presented above. When these affirmative answers to these questions are not kept, then a true marriage never existed and the marriage is unlawful. When this occurs, the marriage—while secularly existing perhaps—does not exist in the eyes of the Church. A true or lawful marriage, in the eyes of the Church, cannot be annulled.

In summation and as for me; I am a happily married Catholic man who loves his wife. May everyone who is called to the vocation of marriage—by the grace and will of God—be the better person for fulfilling their marital vocation.