Someone recommended that I read Parker Palmer’s “Let Your Life Speak” again so I took it out one day and these words popped off the page:
“The life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me. In these moments, I sometimes catch a glimpse of my true life.” (from Parker Palmer’s book Let Your Life Speak).
I had just finished the second year of my weekly formation experience retreat for spiritual direction ministry, and this year we focused on Christology -- learning about Jesus and discipleship in a new way through the Gospels.
The more I learned about Jesus at a more detailed Scriptural level, the more I was seeing how He was in fact molding me in the way of the Gospels, but also how much more I wanted to live my life only in His ways and service.
As the retreat culminated, unlike any retreat I have every been on (this year virtually), the night before it was over, I wept because I felt a disconnect between the life I was living and the Christ life that wanted to live more deeply in me. How much I wanted to live a life of complete service to God. The partial life was not doing it for me, but it was giving me glimpses of the true life, and more and more, I am finding that the true life wants more space to live. It needs more space to live.
In one of our readings, the words “To serve God is true freedom” jumped off the page, and for the first time in my life I felt their truth. I am beginning more and more to know the God of liberation, the God who wants my ultimate freedom, and to not serve God fully is to be chained to the world. It is to be straddled between two conflicting realities.
This was a call to deeper service and discipleship, and yet I felt so trapped in my current life and roles -- in this reality of a practical career and a practical life. These now felt so binding, compared to the freedom lying in Christ's invitation.
I can’t say I have resolution to that deep call, but I will say that I had an experience of the disciples out at sea. My boat was rocked, and I may have to soon get out and walk in the deep.