Sacred Sleeplessness: My Story

WITH "SLEEPLESSNESS" at times I've attended to all physical considerations: Not eating or drinking past 6:30p. Not having coffee or alcohol. Eliminating screen-time at least 2 hours before. Regulating light and temperature. Working out regularly. Monitoring diet. Meaningful prayer throughout the day. End of day Examen. A kickin' mattress. (etc.)

I'd attribute some of my sleeplessness to having a very active, voracious mind. Excitement for mission. Life. Ideas. Possibilities. Certainly, working out difficulties. From my earliest childhood, I experienced the end of the day like the end of invigorating rapids I just didn't want to stop riding. (Contrary to my wife. 3 seconds after her head hits the pillow she's out till morning.) Accordingly, with ideas haunting me I'd just get up and go after writing them down. Sometimes hours. A few times, all night.

10 YEARS AGO I was challenged by greater wisdom:

It struck me in particular as "Gregory" means "watchman." Herein is acceptance of the fundamental invocation "LORD" -- as in, "Jesus You are overall!" Pope St. John XXIII famously said before bed, "I’ve done my best I could in your service this day, Oh Lord. I’m going to bed. It’s your church. Take care of it!"

Accordingly, I began more earnestly considering the difference between awesome things I could do-- and what, where, and when God wants me to do. I'd heard stories of Fr. Michael Scanlan, even early in the days of transforming the Franciscan University of Steubenville, spending even hours every morning in prayer awaiting God to direct him. Not quite your Covey, Maxwell, Collins "go get 'em" business accumen. But FUS arguably has been one of the single-greatest wells from which have flowed vital Catholic streams of living water throughout the world.

THE MAIN POINT: Authentic faith woven into business wisdom is predicated of right relationship: Who we are in light of Who God is. Let God be God. Sleep, like the Sabbath, is an invitation to surrender to His Lordship. Sleep!

WITH SUCH WISDOM also came new challenges. These "things" most of us now carry in our pockets. With all the great capability of doing so many great things. But all the while, cultivating attachment. Even addiction. The impulse to check. Interact. More consequentially, a "wiring."

Finding and maintaining that right order of master versus slave is a constant battle. It needs to be. Not simply for the critical health importance of sleep (check out Dr. Matthew Walker), but for our thoughts, feelings, dreams, imaginations, relationships.... In our home we're constantly battling. We generally seek to limit places and purposes -- trying to completely set them aside after 5p. On the virtuous side you might hear: "Do you need to be on that thing?" On the less than virtuous, you may even periodically hear: "Get off that damn thing!" Needed as much for me as the others!

BACK TO SLEEP. With the physical things addressed, at least 50% of the time "God has me up" consistently at 3 or 4am for an hour or more. Unlike years before, it's generally not creative exuberance. Or worry. It just is. Years ago I gave up fighting it. With very great exceptions (for instance, a need to get down a strong sense of something God is saying) I have a rule not to reach for my device. I'm mindful God is summoning me. I don't want to cast pearls before swine. I need to be patient past whatever impulse.

INSTEAD, in that groggy half-awake/half-asleep space, I sit up and reach for my Rosary. This is key: Awareness of God's presence. Knowing He is so real. He's so there. So consuming. Always pressing in. Wanting to be known. With that knowledge, the space is so sacred. I'm not frustrated. I'm not worried about sleep privation. I'm in no hurry. I'm not going anywhere. Neither is He. He's in control. All is well. All is a Well.

AFTER MOMENTS of being drawn deeper in awareness, there's no place I'd rather be. One moment in His courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. It's hard to explain. The contents of my heart, mind, and soul come alive and are laid bare... they just begin to flow... I'm fully aware that He's receiving what's in me... faces, people, circumstances, delights, concerns, hopes, struggles... streams flowing from someplace deep within into His Streams of Living Water.

FOR ME, PRAYING THE ROSARY is more of a sense of being with Our Lady... She with me before the Father. Accordingly, I'm not in "get through it" mode. With the Mysteries of Christ's life, I'm in "go there" mode. Or more, "be drawn more deeply in" mode.

The Mysteries mingle with the contents of my soul. I often note tension I didn't know existed in my face and body evaporate. Some very deep delight and joy emerge. I find myself in such a pure state of being. I know it's but a shadow... a taste... of what He's destined me (and us) for all eternity. I don't want it to end. In fact, as there is often some drifting, I'll go back and capture a decade or two noting I hadn't connected with the Mystery. No frustration whatsoever. In fact, it's a great excuse to keep the streams flowing. It's so sacred. God is doing so much. Healing. Encouraging. Strengthening. Counseling. I don't want it to end.

Needless to say, somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour later, always after finishing the Rosary, I'm out.

GOD IS LORD. Regardless of your circumstances. He's in it. His Hand is in all things molding us for His Glory. For greater intimacy. If we let Him. JESUS, YOU ARE LORD!