LYING HERE. Beautiful sun painting the earth outside my hospital window. Rising on the souls of y'all. Little Flower reminding us: The power of doing the smallest things with the greatest love. Waves on the ocean of my soul have me yearning to be so much more given to my God. Beyond easy professions. Associations. Beyond what He can do for me. But for Who He is. Who I am in Him. (Col. 1) (I do beg the greatest grace, such an infused degree!) He so deeply desires the same for me. The fullest of who I am. Was made to be. Could ever be. Pure of heart. Uncompromised. There's nothing else.
AT MY AGE (54 ON OCTOBER 6), with all who benefit from such unprecedented comfort on command, we are with Solomon, Gates, Musk, whomever else... when do we see all else is vanity. Short lived. Even good spiritual activity can be so vapid. Another great, fleeting event... another hand of seed scattered on rocky ground. A fleeting sense of being touched, but remaining unmaleable to the Heart of Our Savior. Our relationships remaining a better or worse spiritual appearance. And often worse. For me. Spiritual narcissism. My greatest malady. At some level, gauging our value in what we think we can do for God. Our spiritual activity. So I've led this. Prayed over and seen amazing healing. Received accolades (how painful when you know the Who). Yes, seen great fruit and delight and transformation of the Kingdom, but over recent years He's challenged me deeper, "church people" deeper: "Many will come in my Name and say 'look at all these great things we've done,' only to hear Him say: 'Depart from me... I never KNEW you.'" (Matt. 7:23 / gin?sko -- same as Mary's "I do not KNOW man." Luke 1:34)
CONJUGAL. All of salvation history is the story of Our Beloved God betrothing us. Summoning us to eternal, intimate, conjugal union in Him. And in Him, with all others. How unsurpassed! Through His Passion and Cross. Suffering. Blessedness in brokenness. The One Sacrifice of Calvary for the salvation of the world... embracing the totality of our existence. Right now. All we are. All we could hope to be. Made present on every altar in the world. From the beginning. Right now. The power to bring down the gates of hell and definitively restore the Kingdom. In us. And through us, for the world.
I'VE BEEN VERY SICK BEFORE. But not like this. As I've shared, almost unable to breath. Requiring long moments to recover in just turning over. Many great docs throwing the best COVID protocol at me and scratching their heads. So I know God is speaking. Through pathetic me (so you can know any good must be from Him!) At this time. This culture. A very immanent sense of Christ's return. A Great Illumination upon us. Where mere Christian profession isn't enough. Growing together more deeply with our adult-becoming family... working through our own historical stuff... and wanting our ceiling to be their floors. My desire. The purpose of these days. Sharing with great hopes with you.
SO, AT THE VERY, VERY HEART is our connection to our deepest, truest hunger. That's how Our Savior Jesus made us. That's where He meets us. In the Bread. His Body and Blood. His Holy Word. Forging our malleable hearts. To be one in Him. And with Him, in all others. Not to do things for Him, but allow Him in us. His Heart beating in us. A power greater than all the pretentious, distracting drivel of mainstream media (though I will still battle how much to be"there").
AS I'M EMERGING FROM this great school of suffering, truthfully, I don't want to be. I'm fearful of the great moderation of comfort. Ease. I don't want to get "better" if that really means, by what really matters, worse. Because the world needs to really get better. And I'm convinced that's only in the at once suffering and triumphant heart of our Savior.
Lord Jesus Christ, help us be with You, blessed in our brokenness, a Holy Community that lives vibrantly Holy Communion. All in. Going deeper. Overflowing with Your love to the world. I love you all.
ENTRY 9: Saturday, October 2, 9:34A (FB LINK)
I'M HOME! And once I heal and super antibodies kick in, bringing His presence to helping, healing, comforting the sick in the Name of Jesus. God be praised. Love you all.
SO GRATEFUL FOR THE BATTLE. So much fog of physical and spiritual war remains. Nothing as bleak as recent days, but formidable. And blessed by union with many of you in your needs and prayers.
HOURS EARLY MORNING. SOMETIMES in the subdued, deep delirium prayer in sickness, that crosses over into great lucidity, where my soul was so set free in seeking it's Beloved Inhabitant, I "saw" so clearly the big picture... the degree to which Satan and his minions weaponize so much brokenness within us... stir it up on a political landscape. Endless bickering talkshows and commentators. And how it's substance does have grave importance! But people meant to be anchored in authentic truth and peace, holy communion, so not mindful of who's holding the strings, leaving so many unmoored by whispers and lies. Abortion laws. COVID. The border. Sexuality. CRT. Foreign concerns. All the face of mostly paranoia. Doubt. Fear. Vacancy. Tethered to deeper, splintered mistrust. And heavy on personal, human let-down and betrayal. Interesting, woven together with pining senses of "faith." "God." Weak religion standing not on strength of real encounter, real relationship, real repentant surrender, but a kind of scaffolding.
And how unknowing pawns are made of all of us, God's children. Pieces on a board. Pining for Him in our depths.
AND INTERESTING, I have greatly avoided most things secular during this battle. Media. TV. Music. For my soul. The spiritual nature of this battle playing out in me. Seeking greater purity. Truth. Anchor. Discipline. As I've shared, mostly challenged by my own greater, deeper surrender to Him in suffering... source of unity in Him. Being forged by Him. But by divine providence or distraction I was led to watch some episodes of "The Queen's Gambit"... somewhat heavy if not poignant coming of age story of a young, traumatized orphaned female soul (Beth) finding her life in the confines of chess, tainted by coping-medicating; this too common portrait of modern existence so struck me... our human condition... juxtaposed by my reading another much truer, richer, fuller account of our human landscape, Twain's "Joan of Arc." Wow. St. Joan. A soul truly attuned to the streams of living water. Who we really are. What matters. So alive. So in love. The angels and saints speaking to her. Against all cultural odds. Persevering. Not without many hardships woven in. In fact, life taken by those she sacrificed for.
SO BETH AND JOAN. Same ages. Our rough choices. Both on the landscape of human discovery, deep, ultimate pursuit: our transcendence in God. Made for Him. How amazing. The purpose and possibility today. No matter what we face. In fact, in all we face. Custom designed retreat from the Heart of God made for ever greater intimacy with Him. And in Him, with one another.
FINALLY, what rightly commands the affections of my soul? What low bar of ease or comfort has been compromising my destined, true intimacy with my Savior? What am I afraid of, and if so, how am I vulnerable to being one of the Enemy's pawns? Faced with every distraction, I declare with you here not wanting to spin any more wheels: You and I in Jesus Christ are not made for comfort; we're made for that deep, intimate, transcendent union in the Comforter that only comes by way of privation, pain and suffering. In Him, through Him, for Him, it is blessed for the salvation of the world. And our anchored capacity to truly speak powerfully to every broken, forlorn, pining soul otherwise spun by mainstream media and every other distraction. This is our moment of great, heavenly clarity in gifted sickness. To discover. Embrace. Be forged in contemplation, Holy Mass, the life of Jesus and His Blessed Mother in the Rosary, a life of worship.
AND SO JESUS SEEMED TO SPEAK in Evening Psalm Prayer yesterday, the Divine Office:
"Father, precious in your sight is the death of the saints, but precious above all is the love with which Christ suffered to redeem us. In this life we will fill up in our own flesh what is still lacking in the sufferings of Christ; accept this as our sacrifice of praise, and we shall even now taste the joy of the new Jerusalem." "Ant. I shall take into my hand the saving chalice and invoke the name of the Lord."
PLEASE UNITE WITH ME this magnificent LORD'S DAY with so many requesting for God's healing presence, body, soul, relationship. I declare in this very moment, in your earnest hearts availed to so great a God, He is already there. Know of all my prayer and love for you this day.
LORD JESUS CHRIST, without You, my Anchor in You, completely in You, I am adrift. Lost. Compromised. Spinning wheels. Playing games. Make me Yours. Completely Yours. I bring to You now all the pining needs of my beloved brothers and sisters here... their hearts, minds, bodies and relationships. Awaken. Heal. Focus. Purify. Revive. You pronounce this our moment. Sacred and holy. Full of new promise and power. Before all Ages. We believe. We receive. We give you permission. We love you.
THE WEAPONIZING OF COVID. SPLINTERING OF SOULS. KINGDOM'S COMING. We renounce vilification of those who've vaxed. Or not vaxed. We share the burden of those who felt such great pressure to surrender their health and freedom by ungodly dictates. We pray for those who heroically drew the line and forfeited their jobs instead. Both, all, we are One in Him. We are with you.
FROM MY FRONT LINES while in the hospital, I encountered more than one so disheartened by the health industry contortion she's leaving (hushed truths whispered in genuine medical interest behind closed doors); I personally experienced conflicted doctors beholden to mainstream pressures that did not correspond to peer-reviewed data that they knew worked (thanks be to God for doc advocates on my behalf who lovingly, empirically challenged); most tragic, a practitioner completely sickened by the imposition of COVID-related treatment of pregnant women with immediate, deleterious, deathly effect.
All completely ignoring CDC's own VAERS and other data. Again. And again. And again.
SATAN IS MAKING PAWNS ON THIS LANDSCAPE OF SOULS. SET ASIDE ANY DATA WE KNOW presumed manipulated, all this contrivance to the complete negation of natural immunity. Why is anyone forced to poison their body, without advance great care or remedy, with real indications of ADE and other significant related issues to vax, without the slightest regard for natural immunity? And even mandating vaccine for those with natural immunity, increasing serious complications two to three times? Why?
THE EVIL IS BEING SEEN. THE GREAT EXTENT OF MANIPULATION. And great, caring love is going to be needed. Something has been playing out quite deliberately and will continue to do so. God summons those like me... soon able to pray, go, help, heal, love. Still recovering today. On the upswing. So grateful for such caring, loving, smart attentive docs to me. And prayerfully eager to be all in.
EYES OF FAITH. THE BIG PICTURE. PRAY IN THIS. God is summoning us to all in. (Forgive this! Not "broken record"! So true and real! Meriting proclamation!) Pining to go after Him. Our souls were made for Him. Too much compromise. Too much "religion" without core relationship. Touch point after touch point without being transformed in our depths. Not enough being attentively forged in the great wellspring of eternal faith. In our homes. More formidable faith community of individuals, marriages and families, young and elderly, under guide of such good and holy priests going after the Kingdom, striving together after holiness as a daily, ordered way of life, has been given and will be born again. This is how we fight. Church militae. This is what God provides.
From this great school of (ever diminishing) suffering, reflection and prayer, I humbly continue praying for clarity in my small role. Love you all so much.
LORD JESUS CHRIST, Purify and increase the ardor of my heart, made for You! Deliver me from affection for any and all distraction (so prone am I!). You are our all in all. Set our hearts on fire. Awaken us and forge us in this truth... in all privation and suffering, for Your Kingdom and the salvation of the world now at hand.
EVENING PRAYER READING TONIGHT (St. Francis of Assisi):
Ephesians 1:3-10 Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has bestowed on us in Christ every spiritual blessing in the heavens. God chose us in him before the world began to be holy and blameless in his sight. He predestined us to be his adopted sons through Jesus Christ, such was his will and pleasure, that all might praise the glorious favor he has bestowed on us in his beloved. In him and through his blood, we have been redeemed, and our sins forgiven, so immeasurably generous is God’s favor to us. God has given us the wisdom to understand fully the mystery, the plan he was pleased to decree in Christ. A plan to be carried out in Christ, in the fullness of time, to bring all things into one in him, in the heavens and on earth.