Strengthening My Relationship with God

"Day 9: Deeper Knowledge Of My Own Wretchedness.

Meditation:

My God, despite all the graces, I long without ceasing to be eternally united with my God; and the better I know Him, the more ardently I desire Him (Diary, 1303).

He gave me a deeper knowledge of my own wretchedness. However, this great misery of mine does not deprive me of trust. On the contrary, the better I have come to know my misery, the stronger has become my trust in God’s mercy (Diary, 1406)."

After reflecting on this meditation, I felt I had failed God and my Catholic Faith because of how I lived my life, and still struggle daily. I wrote these negative statements in my journal. “I am not happy with my life. I want to give up. I do not deserve to live. I am a burden. I feel there is misery in my life, no hope, and don’t trust God”. 

If I described my childhood I would say it was playful, fun, simple, lovable, and peaceful. However, when I attended junior high and high school, I started to become insecure about myself and sad all the time – I didn’t like how I looked or felt about myself. This behavior continued through my years in college and in the workforce. I was very angry, jealous, envious, competitive, obsessive, controlling, and was cold to people. When I felt like this, I felt guilty and sorry for myself, meaning I was having a pity party. Each day when I woke up and asked God about my day, it seemed that I always fought with Him, because it was never my way. When I would have an off day, I would email my family and Church friends about hurting myself, which made them concerned about me.

Back in March, I finally talked with my family doctor about my symptoms and she told me, “You have depression and panic attacks. What I would recommend is talking to a psychiatrist and taking medication. Then, I would like to have follow up with you on your progress”. This wasn’t the answer that I wanted to hear from my doctor, though she means well. I was hoping she would advise me about my diet, exercise, or suggest a change in my environment – but that was not the answer. She said if I didn't follow-through, I would go back to square one again.

The other day I talked with a friend from Church and told her about my situation. She told me to call her so we could talk more. I called her, and the first thing she said was, “God loves you and you are not alone.” She explained that she too had gone through a trial in her life when she was depressed. She shared that she had to take medication and seek counseling, but in the end, she became a better person, and realized all of the blessings in her life.

As I entered my adulthood, I have been dealing with depression and have made excuses, and avoided it by telling myself that I didn’t need help, and I could take care of it myself. However,  it’s not true. The devil is hurting me, and  I can fight him away and focus on God. Overall, I learn to take care of myself, to take one day at a time, and to be blessed for each new day. This is God’s will and mercy, because He is the one who suffered, and also created the person I am today, because He knew me before I was born.

Ever since I started to write and to share my articles, this has given me a sense of having peace with myself. It is therapeutic and healing, almost like a cleansing and being reborn again in my faith. Hopefully, with sharing my experiences, I can touch people in many ways about their experience and their faith. If not, no problem, as it has been very beneficial for me. Amen.

Work Cited
Day 9: Deeper Knowledge Of My Own Wretchedness. Divine Mercy Daily subscriber. (2014, July). Retrieved on July 17, 2014, from, http://flocknote.com/divinemercydaily