When Your Son is a Bishop, You May Call Him Father

Having a life rooted in prayer is the “secret” to peace in our lives. If we are deeply connected to God and anchored in His presence, the storms of life will not be able to disturb us. Whether it be the tragic loss of a loved one, or the out-of-the-ordinary experience of your husband becoming a priest, if we are strong in our relationship with Jesus, we will be able to more easily navigate the new course on which our ship (our life) goes.

You don’t have to go about these changes alone. Embrace life’s vicissitudes with our chatters. Mend a broken heart from the loss of a parent. Find peace when facing your own death. Learn how to adjust to a major change in your marriage. Discover the “right way” to pray. And even learn whether or not you should burn your journal. Hop aboard!

The below chat comes from a letter that St. Francis de Sales wrote to St. Jane de Chantal, shortly following the death of his mother, written from Annecy on March 11, 1610. He began this letter writing:

My very dear daughter, must we not everywhere and in all things adore this supreme providence? For its counsels are holy, good and most lovable. And now it has pleased God to take my very good and dear mother out of this unhappy world, to hold her, as I firmly hope, in his presence and in his right hand. Let us confess, my dearly beloved daughter, that God is good and that his mercy is everlasting. All his ways are just and all his decrees are righteous, his good pleasure is always holy and his ordinances very gracious.

If you like the chat below, check out the Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Join us at 7:30 p.m. ET each Sunday! We read a passage of St. Francis de Sales and gather great insights and sharing!

Dying With a “Spiritual Bow”

Question 1: How are we supposed to arrive at the hope and peace that St. Francis described when accepting his mother’s death?

Sherry: I think if you have a healthy detachment to the world – in the presence of the real hope of heaven, then the goodbye is sad but not crushing. Also, it seems that his mother had a real good ending of her life – she put a “spiritual bow” on the end of her life in her last days – that must have felt so right then – to let her go.

Visitation Sister: Yes, and it is the grace we receive that helps makes us more peaceful.

Sherry: Yes, definitely – grace upon grace – I will need that one day – with my Father, too.

Rebecca: I had both sites open for a little while — no! Actually three! But the fact is even with praise songs, reading Catholic Answers, and signing in here I was not doing any of them attentively.

Sherry: Multi-tasking is the curse that comes with technology.

Both Your Father and Your Son?

Question 2: On her deathbed, St. Francis’s mother said to him: ‘He is my son and my father.’ Discuss this dynamic of a son becoming a priest, wherein he becomes your father. How might that change/transform a relationship?

Sherry: Ha. Good one. Try “He is my husband and my father.” I think that a son will always be your son, no matter the priesthood.

Visitation Sister: Definitely you can identify! I suspect that it. Is quite different from what psychologists call parentified children.

Sherry: Maybe the sons actually do feel like this. The more I think about it – the more I can see the connection.

Visitation Sister: There must be some new kind of awe in the relationship.

Sherry: I think that priests are often too idolized. I do have respect for their anointing, but I also know that they are only human, trying to do their best to follow their calling. I felt the awe more before Peter’s ordination. One of my new directees is the mother of a soon-to-be priest, and she is lightly struggling.

Visitation Sister: That makes sense because the reality of day-to-day might have been set aside spiritually so you could understand what was happening in the mystical realm.

Rebecca: Connection, but not identical. Apparently, St. Francis de Sales’s mother was a good mother, not one who, because of her own issues, forced her kid to take care of her. It is more likely that because we call a priest “Father” and St. Francis was such a good teacher — for everyone — she learned from him.

Sherry: I understand – and again – deeply bow to the anointing – but you also live with a real person – and the priesthood is really mostly mystical at the altar.

Visitation Sister: That is so even with priest friends I see that.

Sherry: What the mother of the soon-to-be priest and I talked about – what is hard for us – for her as a mother of a priest – for me – as a wife – it is that we know deep down that we do not have “a right” on our beloved anymore. It might not always come out in daily life, but deep down we know we had to give them up, like Hannah gave her son to the temple. I can see that a son – like Francis de Sales – could easily become a spiritual father for his own mother.

Visitation Sister: Heroic sacrifice.

Sherry: Well, we were both ushered into it; we had not chosen it really, to be honest.

Visitation Sister: It is still an amazing path.

Husband Became a Priest

Sherry: I think my husband Peter [a Protestant convert], has long before he became a priest been my spiritual father in spiritual matters.

Visitation Sister: So, the relationship is transformed or perhaps deepened in some ways even as there is an element of letting go.

Sherry: Our relationship was definitely transformed because of Peter’s priesthood. Definitely.

Rebecca: Sherry, I’m not sure that anyone really has a “right” on anyone else: Parent, child, spouse. Maybe reasonable expectations.

Sherry: I know what you mean, Rebecca. And as I was writing it I was wondering if that could be misunderstood.

Rebecca: How did that come about, Sherry? Austria is not India, where parents choose partners for their children.

Sherry: But, you know, in a marriage I could say I have a right, as a wife, to ask my husband to do this or that so we have more time for each other, for example. It is the bishop who makes big life decisions with Peter, not me. For example, where we will live in the future, etc. The church has to be Peter’s first love. And I actually have the grace to accept this.

Rebecca: I think I understand. In some families it is the boss or the demands of a career that make the next move almost a given.

Visitation Sister: That is a huge grace.

Sherry: It is. And I thank God for it.

Scenes of Carnage, and Ukraine

Question 3: Francis described his mother’s last moments, and there he gave her extreme unction (anointing of the sick) and gave her a kiss of peace. This moment really shows the preciousness of life and how death leaves an impact on us. How is it that others can find life so disposable in our day in age, in contrast to the gentle kiss offered to his dying mother?

Rebecca: Life is definitely NOT disposable. But sometimes some people think that new life may get in the way of their own life, or lifestyle, so choose to kill even their unborn children.

Visitation Sister: I think too many scenes of carnage can harden a person.

Sherry: In the last months, I got an even greater awareness of how precious LIFE is. Sometimes it takes my breath when I get one of these deeper glimpses. How God loves our LIVES.

Visitation Sister: Life is precious, but if someone is not feeling well, the pain overwhelms the positive view.

Sherry: Oh Sister Susan, I hear you about the pain. I hear you. I wrote my mother a letter – entrusting her officially into the hands of GOD – as an adult now. Was not easy.

Bethany: No matter what, we offer thanks to God for good and bad.

Sherry: When my mother was screaming in pain – oof. That was hard.

Bethany: Ask Jesus to help your mom.

Sherry: Thank you, Bethany. She passed away already many years ago, I was just remembering.

Bethany: Pray for her soul so she can Rest in Peace in the Risen Lord.

Rebecca: God will always offer a person the graces they need to deal with, grow through, become holier by means of even the really hard things that sometimes challenge our Faith, and Hope and relationships.

Sherry: You are so right, Rebecca. It is just so hard to see that in the moment. Again – it can be such a graced time though – in the midst of all the pain – like it happened with St. Francis’s mother.

Visitation Sister: Disposable like all those in Ukraine, Syria, etc. How do people get to be like that in the military? Yet even St Francis knew soldiers.

Sherry: I have no idea to be honest. I think, they are so pumped with motivation, they are mostly convinced they are doing a good thing by killing others.

Rebecca: Not on.

Bethany: We have to learn from St. Peter and St. Paul to love Jesus more and serve Jesus and preach the Gospel and let the world know about real truth and real love.

The “Right Way” to Pray

Question 4: What is the “right way” to pray?

Bethany: Jesus gives his saints to guide us to serve him.

Visitation Sister: Definitely.

Sherry: Oh. I found that part of the letter so so interesting.

Visitation Sister: Was it enlightening in any way?

Sherry: Well, I always sensed – when I read about St. Jane and her prayer life – that she sounded so “Carmelite.” I find it so interesting that St. Francis speaks about his prayer experience (almost sounds like infused contemplation) and that they are talking about their prayer life.

May I ask, Sister Susan, how the Sisters in your order are guided to pray?

Visitation Sister: In the old days all sisters meditated together in choir, they were given point by point to think and reflect upon. By the time I came, it was sort of up to you and your spiritual director to help you.

How Does One Become a Nun?

Bethany: Sr Susan, how does one become a nun and sister in Christ?

Visitation Sister: Becoming a nun is a process and the first step is to have a spiritual director who hopefully will guide you well to where God is calling you.

Rebecca: My health care proxy, Fr. Mark, was a marine, and then called up just when he was about to retire. But he is such a gentle soul. And the fellow who was TRYING to help me here after the flood could not keep from being disruptive and destructive – even manipulative – thinking he was doing the right thing, and he and Fr. Mark had met when they were in Iraq on active duty.

Rebecca: I don’t think there is any one right way to pray. . . But I hear, just now what sounds like crying … Ike better go investigate. Be back shortly.

Sherry: Is the “prayer of heart” this time of meditation?

Visitation Sister: Prayer of the heart can be this time of meditation.

Sherry: Ok. Thanks for clarifying. Prayer of the heart is my favorite kind of prayer. I don’t think there is THE right way to pray, but I know that I have a really hard time with vocal prayer often.  I find it is almost rude, like talking when someone else actually wants to talk. I found it so sweet how humble St. Francis is and so open to keep learning.

Sherry: I sometimes find this attitude in some priests too. Not always, but sometimes. And it is usually priests who are really interested to grow more and more – closer and closer to GOD’s own heart.

Visitation Sister: Simple gaze on God is what St Jane said Visitandines would grow into.

Sherry: Oh, Sr. Susan, how I love these times of gazes. And to sit under the gaze of His holy face … so so precious.

Burning the Book of Your Life

Rebecca: Sherry, that makes a lot of sense to me. Prayer is at least in part — a big part — listening. Have you ever tried to write down your prayer of the heart — like a heart-to-heart conversation?

Sherry: That’s how I experience it. I love to meet “the lover of my soul” when I pray, and if I come with all these words, well, I have the feeling I miss him right there. I love to journal prayers, but they are different then my “prayers of the heart.” The prayer of the heart for me is to sit and simply enjoy. There is often a light excitement about this. I often have a smile on my face when I am allowed to gaze on GOD; it is wordless, and still I find afterwards I had a lovely time with GOD where we spoke to each other.

Visitation Sister: So intimate, this kind of prayer.

Sherry: It is, and I would not want to miss it for anything in the world.

Rebecca: Beautiful! Writing slows me down enough to be more truly PRESENT. For years I’ve divided the page and written down what I think he is saying to me, too.

Sherry: That is lovely, Rebecca.

Rebecca: One column for JC, one for me.

Sherry: This is so cool. Love this idea.

Visitation Sister: Yes, that is a wonderful way, never thought of that.

Sherry: Do you sometimes go back and read your prayers?

Rebecca: Yes. And I’ve shared them with a spiritual director in the past.

Sherry: You should bind your journals. The book of your life.

Rebecca: Or maybe burn them?

Sherry: No no no! Don’t be a Jane de Chantal in this way. I still wish she would not have burnt all these letters from St. Francis.

Rebecca: I think I wear people out with too many words, at least some of the time.

Sherry: I agree, Rebecca, but I think what Jesus has taught you – and shared with you in silence – is worth keeping, whereas so many fictional books out there are not worth the paper.

Visitation Sister: Yes, that is a loss, and it would be for you too Rebecca unless God is telling you to do so.

Sherry: I have to leave on time today. It was lovely being with all of you. Hope to see you next Sunday again. Thanks, Sr. Susan, for leading.

Visitation Sister: I have to leave too God bless all of you and each one individually!

Bethany: Thanks, Sr Susan, for leading us into this chat, we all pray for you. God bless you all.

Visitation Sister: You are welcome.

If you liked the chat above, check out the Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Join us at 7:30 p.m. ET each Sunday when a Visitation Sister moderates our discussion!