Letters to the Saints: Venerable Rutilio Grande

Dear Fr. Rutilio,

I know we don't know each other very well yet, but I recently read about your life and felt compelled to write you. We have something in common, something that affects every minute of our lives. Anxiety.

Your anxiety led to nervous breakdowns and self-doubt, convinced that you weren't worthy of your call to the priesthood. Mine leads me to constant fear of doing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing, always being unsure of what I'm supposed to do with my life. You were killed in El Salvador in 1977 -- almost twenty years before I was born in a country I've only ever read about -- yet we share similar self-doubt fueled by our anxiety.

I read that you learned to thrive in spite of your anxiety. You came to see your anxiety not as a personal failure but rather as a struggle which you could offer up every day as a sacrifice for God. Please help me learn how to do that. I spend so much of my time anxious and worried, eventually regretting all the time I spent in fear. If I could learn to view my anxiety as a sacrifice the way that you did, then at least the time I spend battling my anxiety might help do some good in the world.

Please help me learn to push past my anxiety to do good things for others, the way you spent your life advocating for the poor of your beloved El Salvador. All I've ever wanted to do is help others, but my anxiety stands in the way. I avoid opportunities where I could help, out of fear of the unknown of the situation. I'm tired of living my life controlled by anxiety.

Fr. Rutilio, you lived a life marked by anxiety and struggle. You persevered in spite of your struggles. You were martyred for your Catholic beliefs and pastoral ministry, having spent your life driven to do what you could to help your people. Even in death, you continued to inspire good. Your archbishop, St. Oscar Romero, was so moved by your martyrdom that he ended his silence and took up your fight to protect the people of El Salvador from the government.

Fr. Rutilio Grande, please help me to learn to live for others, and for God, the way you did.

Mandi