5 Useful Ways Catholics Can Deal With Suffering and Grief

As the reader looks at the list below, they will notice immediately that not all of these things are absolutely unique to Catholics. But, they are useful ways that Catholics can experience grief and suffering. I would have added to this list “take a break” and “find humor where humor can be found,” but not everybody can do those things—and the ones who can, do it naturally. It’s not meant to be a complete list—feel free to add your own in the “comments” section!

1) Moving from the question, “why me,” ask, “why not me?”

When we are suffering, it’s the most natural thing in the world to ask “why.” Things that catch us off guard, or at our most vulnerable, or as a series of unfortunate events can get us scrambling to find meaning in our suffering—and that’s brilliant because it acknowledges that we believe that there should be meaning in our suffering. And, as Big Bird says, “Asking questions is a great way of finding things out!” We need to ask God “why” to get us on the journey to discovering that meaning. Whatever personal meaning you may find along the way is a gift—it is the answer to “why me.” But, there is another question we have to ask alongside it; “why not me?” Suffering is a natural part of human experience. It is something that no one successfully avoids. It is something that even God chose (yes chose) not to avoid in the person of Jesus so that we could immediately find meaning in our own suffering. Jesus’ suffering led to the conquering of sin and death for us. It is our salvation, our hope and our model for how we can suffer.

We all hear constantly that whatever we’re going through, someone else has it worse. That’s true, but what you’re going through is your own pain, and it has to be honored. On the other hand, knowing that there are people whose circumstances might be more dire than our own can move us to thinking outside ourselves—and this directly relates to #’s 3, 4 and 5 on this list. Once we’re in the right frame of mind, our suffering changes from being something that could destroy us, to something that can build us up into something stronger and more productive than we were before.

2) Being open to seeing where God is present

We know that, while God doesn’t rejoice in our suffering, God is always present in it. God never lets anything evil go unchallenged. Like the “Footprints” poem, we know that Jesus doesn’t abandon us in our suffering, but helps us through it. He gives us strength to deal with whatever comes our way, but also works within the circumstances to make something better come out of it. The Cross is the perfect example of this—the devil might think he’s winning, but God takes whatever misshapen nonsense that is thrown at us (not that God heaps on us) and molds it into some beauty that neither the devil, nor we could have imagined. We are given new strength, a deeper, richer faith, closeness in relationships that wouldn’t have otherwise happened, new circumstances that are healthier for us—the list could go on and on.

3) “Offering it up”

My teachers in Catholic Elementary School used to tell us that when we were going through a hard time we should “offer it up for the suffering souls in purgatory.” I thought it was complete ridiculousness. First of all, how is that going to help me, and how can the suffering I’m experiencing help anyone else?! It couldn’t—except for the fact that prayer is powerful. This is perhaps a very trivial way of applying the principle, but here goes…I hate planking. Planking is when you hold yourself up on your elbows and toes and keep your body straight (in a push-up position). We have to do it in karate. As a way of taking my mind off of the pain and discomfort of the planking, I started choosing someone in the class to pray for and began saying “Hail Mary’s” for them throughout the duration of the planking. The time goes by quickly, and I am helping my classmates by praying for them. It makes me think outside of my self, too.

4) Reaching out to others

I almost never remember to be hungry. When I’m busy, I can go a whole day without even thinking to eat. But, when I’m fasting…well, that’s a different story! I can’t go a second without thinking about food. And, it seems like on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday every TV commercial is about food…it’s brutal! Like fasting, when you are in pain, or don’t feel well, it’s really hard to think of anything else besides that discomfort. One of the points of fasting is to bring our attention to the fact that, while we are slightly inconvenienced by choosing not to eat, millions of people are truly starving for an actual lack of food. Knowing a tiny bit of their pain, and the real danger that they are in, can move our hearts to do something to alleviate their suffering. It can lead us to reach out to those who suffer on a daily basis because in our own way (sometimes in very, very profound ways), we know what it is to be in pain, or lonely, or grieving, or hungry, or stressed by money worries; and as Christians, we want to help others to find relief that we wished we had—or maybe, in fact, did have through the kindness of others.

5) Applying your experience to compassion and empathy for others

When we have been deeply affected by a time of suffering or grief; when it changes us in ways that make us see ourselves and the world differently, and when we find healing in those circumstances, we can become very useful to other people. One of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is Understanding—and one of the most intimate kinds of understanding is the understanding of empathy. When we sit with others in their pain, and when we can help them because we have been there ourselves, we enter into their pain with them—similarly to the way that Jesus did for us by entering into our human condition. We can be Christ’s Presence to others in their pain when we have found healing in ours. It doesn’t mean having all the answers, or a formula for fixing them—it means being a quiet light of hope, a listening ear and proof that an individual’s current circumstances doesn’t have to be permanent.