My Mistaken Identity

I was in a case of mistaken identity. I was desperately trying to "find myself" and would do what everyone else was doing. I thought I had to go along with what my friends were doing and act in the way that was like them. I always got into some trouble, not always with the law, but also with my parents, siblings, and relatives. I used to think being successful was having a job, a car, friends, and love. Even though I was emotionally and spiritually unhealthy, I had been exercising and losing weight, so that made me think that I was healthy.  I looked healthy on the outside, but on the inside, I was spiritually and emotionally a wreck. 

I made an evening walk my routine and sometimes my boy came with me, otherwise I was by myself with earphones in listening to music.  I thought the evening wasn't good because I was alone and the batteries in my mp3 went dead, so I was walking by myself listening to nothing. About half a mile into the walk, I asked, "What is the purpose of my life? I have a job, go to school, have a car, and I have my boy, but I'm missing something. What am I supposed to be doing? Who could I ask these questions and would they be able to answer me?"  As I began to think of people I could ask, such as my parents and grandparents, I heard a Voice say, "Ask Me." I was startled and looked around, but I was the only one on the path. As I kept walking, I thought of what the purpose of my life is, and I began to realize that I wasn't happy. Then I heard the Voice again say, "You know where to find me." I looked up at the clear, blue sky and asked, "Is that really God? Why would God speak to me?!"  

The next weekend I found myself in the Catholic Church. I hadn't sat in church for Mass since I was a child. I was baptized and received my First Communion, but I knew I still needed to be confirmed. As I listened to Father speak his homily, I started to become agitated because I thought the priest knew what I was thinking. How did this priest know what I was going through? As I listened to Father speak and tell us that we are not alone, God is always with us, I was overcome with peace and I knew then that God was speaking through the priest. I wanted to know more about God, so I started RCIA classes, and as soon as my boy was old enough he went through his classes and finished as well.

In wanting to learn more about God, I ended up finding out about my one, true identity as His daughter, and that I can do all things in Him who strengthens me. I had smoked cigarettes since high school, and tried so many times to quit, but was never successful. I could smoke up to two packs of cigarettes a day. One day I told God that I wanted to quit. I asked, "How can this little stick have so much control over me?" He said, "Quit." I threw the cigarette down and never picked up another. That was four years ago.  Living my one, true identity as God's daughter was, and still is, hard. I lost all my friends along the way, including my best friend, but I have gained new friends. I should say family. I was recently at a Life in the Spirit Seminar, and I told my cousin that was with me, "I feel like I'm home." I felt that way, because we all were there for the same reason: God. I didn't feel uncomfortable speaking of my faith to anyone there. Nobody walked away from me when I spoke of how God saves and we all prayed together.  

As a daughter of God, I am more confident in my thoughts and actions. While in the moment of some situations, where I have felt bad after saying or doing certain things just because I wanted others to know what I had to say, God always let me know that I didn't have to say or do anything, by giving me the grace of feeling remorse. He still does. Even though I may have been right, I still could have been humble. I am joyful when God corrects me, because I know that everything is according to His providence. HE knows my heart and HE owns my heart, body, and soul. Living in a world where God is questioned is tough, but my own personal experiences with God are enough proof to keep me living as His daughter. Most days I don't feel I'm worthy, but I see others that are and I am driven to their need.