While we all impatiently wait for the Supreme Court to announce the fate of Dobbs v Jackson and Roe v Wade, I thought it would be a good time to share the truth about abortion.
As a pro-life activist, I have watched young women walk through abortion clinic doors, and I weep. I know they will no longer be the same when walking out. It might not happen immediately, but a change occurs. As the hole in the heart left by the lost baby grows larger, the soul darkens, and hope evaporates. How do I know? I’ve walked through those clinic doors twice.
Not long after Roe v Wade passed, I had my first abortion. I was career-oriented and a die-hard, left-wing feminist. I believed the rhetoric about abortion being a source of empowerment - the power to choose what happens to my own body. I fell for the “it is just tissue” lie as well.
During what I now call my “dark days” (post-abortion), I made horrible choices…many of them encouraged by my best friend, alcohol. Booze was a convenient way to mask all my emotions, especially the guilt and shame of my abortions. Those choices caused many losses back then….relationships (including two marriages), respect from my family and friends, and a successful career in the government. But the most grievous loss was my fertility. Of all, this was the one that had the most impact. You see, I convinced a doctor to give me a tubal ligation at the age of thirty. I lied to myself, saying I didn’t want to have any children, but the truth was I felt I didn’t deserve to be a mother. The guilt and shame of killing my two precious babies resulted in my inability to conceive again.
I ended up a broken, drunk, and barren woman – because I believed abortion would empower me. I eventually hit a suicidal bottom and ended up in a mental hospital. When I entered the facility, the psychiatrist asked me why I wanted to die, and for some reason, for the first time in decades, I told the truth. I was already dead inside and wanted to finish the job.
Through therapy and subsequent alcohol rehab, my head began to clear. However, for some reason, I still felt empty. It remained that way for many years … even with sobriety and continued therapy. It wasn’t until I began going to church and heard a woman speak about how her abortion impacted her life that I was able to connect the dots. I was still carrying regret and shame of my abortions and mourning the deaths of my babies and fertility.
I attended a healing retreat not long after. I came to terms with what I had done and finally understood why I sabotaged so much in my life and why my heart was still in pieces. After the retreat, I felt almost whole again. The pieces of my heart were put together by acknowledging my babies’ existence and welcoming them into my life. The so-called “tissue” I expelled now had names – Matthew and Sarah. And although I destroyed my fertility, I was given a second chance at motherhood by adopting a young boy from foster care. I love him dearly, but the thought of never experiencing the miracle of carrying and bearing a child still stings.
I can’t turn back the hands of time. All I can do is speak out to prevent others from making the same life-altering mistake. Let me be abundantly clear….abortion is far from empowering. It strips power from within and replaces it with years of guilt, shame, and self-loathing.