As mothers we have all experienced that moment when your heart freezes, when you lose a few years, when the extra gray hairs pop up. After eleven years and two rambunctious and fearless boys, I have had more than my fair share. However, there is one moment that I will never recover from. My daughter was going on seven and my son just turned three. We were spending ten days in Williamsburg, VA; a long awaited trip and our first family vacation. It had been a long day of sight seeing and we were heading "home" for the night via public bus. It was rush hour and the traffic was constant and thick. We knew that it would be awhile before the bus arrived.
I knew that I couldn't handle standing at the curb under the bus stop sign for upwards of twenty minutes with a very energized pre-schooler, so I selected a bench that was set back about 10 yards, but had clear sight lines of the approaching bus. I picked up my son and sat him next to me. Then I turned to stow our passes in my back pack for safe keeping. When I looked up, my son was inches from the curb and running head long into the busy street. I hadn't even felt nor heard him move, and how could he have covered so much ground in a matter of seconds? I began to scream, screaming like I never had--to the point that I scared myself. My husband heard me and took off running as fast as he could. Absolute horror swept over me as I saw my son pass over not just one lane of traffic but two and head for a third. Despair and anguish were palatable, I saw my son GONE! My nerves were on fire and my feet felt like lead, like those dreams where you try to run but can't. What happened between my husband taking off and us returning to the bench with our son is a blur, most of I honestly don't remember.
Adrenaline was pumping through my body like never before. My heart was pounding and seemed to break through my chest with each thump. I could not catch my breath and I grabbed my chest, fearing I was experiencing a heart attack. Our son had apparently had a sibling dispute with our daughter and decided, in his three year old way, to respond with spite by dropping her newly purchased fan in the center of a four lane road. Despite a constant flow of traffic both before and after, not a single vehicle passed us in the seemingly hours we spent rescuing our boy. To this day the feeling of that moment is so real, that any reminder of the event creates a visceral effect that lasts for days.
Mothering has many heart stopping moments, and is not for the faint of heart. I recall the love that pumped through me, the undying love for my son. The desire to save him, to preserve him, to give my own life for his. The horror of the fear of losing him and all the grisly details of that occurrence. As mothers, we want to protect and nurture our children and never see them hurt. I try to reconcile this with the continued, recent unveiling of the abomination of the abortion industry.
The latest video, conjured up the emotions and memories of the most horrifying moment of my parenting life. On analyzing why that was my first reaction, I have replayed the "video" of those dreadful moments over in my head; each time my chest growing tight and my muscles ache to react. I realized it was not the fear of death, nor the visions of what could be, or the horror nor adrenaline. It was the couple that was standing by that bus sign that stood there stock still as we screamed and our son brushed past them. It was their inaction, their motionless, their lack of help. Perhaps they were frozen in fear; fear of what they were witnessing, fear that if they tried to stop him we would accuse them of child molestation or kidnapping. Perhaps, they didn't want to interfere with him "being who he is." Perhaps they had never had children and wondered what type of parents allow this to happen. Or perhaps, they had so many emotions running through them at the sight of what was unfolding, that they couldn't process what was happening, they couldn't react, they had lost their voice and ability to change it. That is where this last video left me.
Through the first six videos, I was full of righteous anger. I shared and posted to rally support. I spoke up and gathered prayer warriors. I shook my fist at a government that funds such an organization. I "liked" the articles about states defunding Planned Parenthood, and the one that announced Stem Express had severed ties with them. I felt like we had heard the battle call and were about to win the fight. But, the fight is more than the simple mechanics that my anger rationalized. Does it matter if we shutter Planned Parenthood, if abortion is still legal? Where will Stem Express get their latest batch of "line items" and specimens? Do they care about the children being massacred or just how the negative publicity will affect their bottom line? The darkness of a soul devouring evil is still in our midst, how do we excise this demon from our world, our country, our homes, our own hearts?
What if the proverbial little boy has just run too far? We have been standing on the sidewalk, overcome by emotion, with tears stuck in our throats, but he has continued to run. We say we want to stop the abhorrence when the time presents itself, but can we out run a semi at the last moment? Our society has fallen so far. It is not just these incidents, it is not the 10 week boy or the 20 week twin. It is not the mother who walked in with a healthy child and walked out with only a bill. It is not the "procurement technicians," nor the Planned Parenthood execs, nor even the abortionists. It is us, standing at the bus stop and letting that boy run! How will we ever treat animals humanely or protect the environment, when we as a species pay people to do this to our own kind--to stop their hearts, to cut what is useful out and throw the rest away as their hearts still beat? To look at a screen or into the face of a newly born child and take instruments to kill it? How do we hold murderers accountable when this is legal? How do we cry out against pedophilia when we "harvest" living, defenseless human children organs for profit? We surely will reap what we sow.
I know with God all things are possible, my faith rests in HIM alone. How we have "evolved" to see, speak, and hear evil and call it business as usual...there are no words. God can do all things, but humanity, I fear, is now beyond hope. Our hearts are not only hardened, they cease to beat--incapable of truly caring for and about fellow humans, unwilling to react.