When friendships end: a Catholic perspective

Friendship is a gift from the Lord when it is rooted in virtue. St. Francis de Sales spoke extensively on Christian friendship in the book An Introduction to the Devout Life. The book gives tell-tale signs of what is good and real friendship and what is not in through the eyes of our faith. In the end, true friendship is rooted in Christ and in the virtues of our faith and not in vice. When friendship is not real or if it is rooted in negativity, it will end at some point. Here are ways to detect real from false friendship and how to react when friendships come to a natural end.

Friendship for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime

Many a social media post has discerned the idea that some friendship is for a specific reason in one’s life, some is for just a season, and then some are for a full lifetime. Looking back at your own life, you can probably name those people who were only in your life for a short bit of time, but it made an impact. Then those who helped you during a difficult time but did not stay in your life. Lastly, the kind of friendship most wish for are those friends we can count on and befriend for a full lifetime. This is really something special and rare. So, how can we as Catholics and as Christians handle the loss of those people who for whatever reason are no longer in our lives?

Signs of a true friend

First, let’s look at what real friendship is and what it is not. Real friendship is one that is equal in terms of the give and take. As we have heard before, there are “givers and takers” in life. In friendship, when it is overly one-sided in terms of giving, then eventually that friendship will end. God does not wish for this as love is reciprocal. It is not healthy when one person is doing all the initiating and giving, and the other person is passive. This is not true friendship. In addition, real friends have an attentive listening ear, and it goes both ways. When one person dominates in terms of talking and sharing, the friendship will not survive. It is unhealthy when one person does all the work, the listening, and caring and the other person reaps the benefits but does no giving. So, in friendship, the giving must be 50-50 or something close to it. Without this mutuality, friendship will surely not last for a lifetime most of the time.

Cutting ties if necessary

Unfortunately, sometimes it is necessary to cut ties with those who are not really our friends. Christ wishes for us to be sacrificial, loving, and caring, but not “door mats” for bad behavior or narcissistic personality. Moving on from unhealthy friendship is better for one’s mental and emotional health.  Christ wishes for our happiness, so having proper boundaries with the “takers” of life is a positive step. It may be hard to make a separation, but with the Lord’s help, through prayers, and in discerning his will for your life, it is better for your mental and spiritual health. Seek counseling or the listening ear of a trusted friend if needed in moving on with your life. Just as food and other items have a "shelf life", sadly friendships rooted in vice do too. Trust God in moving forward.

Seeking friendship with Jesus

Jesus is our best friend, and our faith-life is the most valuable part of who we are. Seek his friendship first and ask for Our Lady to pray for you in the transitions of friendships gone sour. God has a better plan always. New and healthy friendships will come once you give it to God and place the necessary boundaries whether it be with friends or even with specific family members. As dysfunctional families have their difficulties, placing those boundaries will help your healing especially in dealing with the challenging people, those with addiction issues, or those with other personality disorders. God will be with you in all of it through prayer.

Have confidence that when some friendships must end that God’s grand plan is even greater than you can imagine. Through our Catholic faith, prayer, and trust, you will move to the next level of maturity both in your relationship with God and in life. Never give up the fight to do good and to be aware of the wonderful people in your life who genuinely care. These are your lifetime friends, and they are a gift from the Lord.