Tough As Nails: Marriage Resiliency for Catholic First Responders Part 2

My Story

First responder family life isn’t easy. It’s a 24-hour profession. When we first married, my husband moved out my way and had a hard time getting on a fire department. Everything was union and civil service and, while he scored high on his tests, you really needed to know someone to get anywhere. He relied on his EMT certification and found work with an ambulance company.

Initially, he worked a 16 and a 24 (hours per shift). I worked at a doctor’s office. When we had our first child, I got paid six weeks maternity leave, then went back to working second shift. Between both grandmothers and our shifts, we made it work without childcare. Childcare would have cost more than my salary. I half wanted to be a stay-home mom but it wasn’t financially possible. We made it work.

A year later, we had our first son. My husband was now working five overnights in dispatch, Monday through Friday. I didn’t mind him being away at night; I adjusted. What was more difficult was keeping the kids quiet while he was sleeping. It was also tiresome explaining to family that, yes, he has to work on Thanksgiving. Don’t you want help in an emergency?

All the while, we went to Mass on Sunday and found ways to stay connected at our parish and our Christian community. We continued working summer festivals for Christian events and always made time for prayer. It was a financially tough time, especially after we bought a house, but we had faith that God would guide us and help us through it all.

Steady On

Years ago, I had the pleasure of attending an Emmaus retreat. One of the songs that became a theme was Steady On by Point of Grace. It paints a picture of a child running around wild but always coming back to the Father as they walk along the path of Life. Marriage can seem like that. You have ups and downs, ins and outs, and it’s certainly a wild ride at times. But if our marriage (like the child) keeps returning to the Father who guides us along the straight path, we will find our way along the journey together.

Going through the many changes family life brings can rock our worlds and, at times, shake our marriages. Having an anchor is important to keep us together. First responder marriages can have difficult times based on the schedule and financial stress alone. Add emotional and psychological trauma and that anchor may not hold if it’s only made by human means.

Keeping oneself on a straight and narrow path means having a constant. You could rely on your spouse to be your constant, but people change and grow and develop through experiences. It’s not always a bad thing but it’s a real thing. God doesn’t change. The Sacraments, the saints, the creed, the faith… All the things that bring us to worship the Lord are there throughout our lives. God never changes. He is the same yesterday, today, and always. He is the best anchor.

Tips for Your Marriage Anchor

Using God as your marriage anchor is the best way to survive and thrive throughout life’s rockiness. Here’s some tips for keeping your marriage holy.

1. Pray Together - Make room for prayer. It can be during a drive, before sleep or a meal. It doesn’t need to take more than a minute. If you can do more though, more is better.
2. Pray Alone - Respect that you each need private prayer with God. Yes, your spouse may be praying for you or about you. Let him/her have that time with God.
3. Devotions - Everyone has different devotions. Some lean more towards the Blessed Mother. Others toward the Eucharist. Some to saints. It’s okay if you find different devotions. So long as they’re faithful to Catholic doctrine, encourage them. Devotions together are even better.
4. Go to Mass - First responder schedules are difficult and finding a Mass time that works can be hard. Do your best to keep holy the sabbath and find a Mass time you can attend together. When it doesn’t work, be sure to encourage time for Mass even if separately.
5. Talk about God - Seems obvious but you need to literally talk about God often. When discussing world events or the news, keep it in perspective of the Lord. When planning for the future, talk about praying and how God has provided for you this far. Give thanks to the Lord together, even in casual conversation. Make talking about the Lord and all He has done for you normal.
6. Religious Items - Keep religious items in your home. Holy water, pictures of Jesus or the saints, crucifixes and crosses, plaques with scripture… It doesn’t have to be obnoxious but it should be present and clear that you’re Catholic.

Pray for Each Other

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to pray for your spouse. God knows all. It’s as simple as that. He knows. Praying for your spouse’s well being physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is vital. It increases care and love for your spouse. It blesses any marriage. It humbles our hearts which makes us more able to be grateful and serve one another. Be sure also to tell your spouse that you prayed! Hearing that someone you love prayed for you is a gift. Even if the other person is falling away, keep it simple when you say it, but say it. It means you care and you love them. It means you care for their soul.

First responders see and experience many things that make them question humanity. Coming home to someone who unconditionally supports them and loves them can make all the difference in their faith. Keep God at the center of your marriage and let Him be the anchor that keeps you steady on.