The Disciples’ Shaken Faith

About a month or so ago in the middle of Lent, I had an experience of faith that was shaken.  I had been experiencing a cross in life, and in Eucharistic Adoration, I thought I had heard God speak that something would happen to ‘resurrect it,’ and then it didn’t happen, yet at least. Either I misheard or I didn’t fully comprehend the meaning of what I heard.  

I had a hard time getting back to a point where I felt like God was close to me and trying to hear His voice again. This was especially true because Eucharistic Adoration had led me to so many life decisions that were right for me and fruitful. How could I have heard wrong when I’d grown accustomed to hearing right? It wasn’t like I was a rookie in the spiritual life. I was experienced with prayer, had many experiences of discernment, and was an active disciple.

I would consider that experience as one of a shaken faith. I had been close to God. I’d heard Him speak. I had made many decisions following His lead. My life was fruitful from following His voice. But then I experienced something that didn’t make sense. I encountered the cross. And at the time, there was no hope of resurrection in sight.

Today when I read the Palm Sunday Passion Gospel, what spoke to me most was the line Jesus says to his disciples at the Last Supper: This night all of you will have your faith in me shaken. I realized that us disciples have our faith in Jesus shaken at least once in this life, and it’s usually alongside a cross we’ve been given or encountered. This is part of what it means to follow Jesus to the cross.

What follows this shaken faith? Fatigue like falling asleep in the garden. Denying and turning away from Jesus. Running away and hiding from the Lord. Being afraid and anxious. Sorrow and weeping. Maybe even your own intense agony in the garden. You may have experienced some of these yourself in your own faith-shaken time. I know I have.

Then at the end of Mass one Sunday following my shaken faith, a familiar song struck me: Hosea. Come back to me with all your heart, beckoned the Lord.

He says the same to you as well. A shaken faith doesn’t last forever, just like it didn’t last forever with the disciples. It’s not gone. It’s just shaken. Their hearts returned to Jesus. So will yours.