A Kiss Should Mean Something: A Brief Discussion on Pre-Marital Sex and Same-Sex Marriage

This is the second installment in the series “A Kiss Should Mean Something”. This series explores the Church’s teachings with regard to human sexuality.

In my Confirmation Prep class, the other catechists and I have asked our students to list things they do not like about the Catholic Church in order to help clear up any confusion or misconceptions they may have. Two of those topics I would like to examine today. The topics are pre-marital sex and same-sex “marriage”. It is not surprising given the attitudes of our society concerning these two topics that these would be issues of contention among 13 to 15 year olds.

To quote the 1999 movie American Pie, “Sex. It’s always about sex.” Our society, the news media, Hollywood, music producers, clothing designers, politicians, EVERYONE has made nearly everything we watch, hear, read or wear about sex. Look at MTV’s daily lineup and you will see shows with titles like “Sixteen and Pregnant”, “Teen Mom”, “Virgin Territory” and “Lust in Translation”. Another station, which claims to be a family-friendly station (ABC Family), has a lineup that includes shows such as “Baby Daddy” and “Pretty Little Liars”. I have seen commercials for “Pretty Little Liars”. It features highly sexualized teenage girls. Couple that with the movies and music that are being marketed to teenagers, along with the fashions that are available on the racks of every clothing store in America and it is no wonder our kids are so preoccupied with sex.

Modesty and morality have become a thing of the past in modern American society and many of us as parents, educators, etc., have simply caved to society and said, “Well, this is just the way it is now…” It does not have to be that way. Our Church, in her infinite wisdom, has given us guidelines on how to live our lives starting with St. Paul’s letter to the Romans. He said, “Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect”¹. In other words, we are in the world but we are not of the world.

Both of these issues are conversations that should begin in the home, long before they are ever spoken about. As parents, we can start these conversations with our children early in life by modeling modesty and morality in our marital relationships. One of the biggest obstacles to people understanding the Church’s teachings on these issues is that we as a society have a HUGE misconception about the nature of love. Our society leads us to believe that love is nothing more than a feeling, a feeling that can be here today and gone tomorrow. Our society also does not distinguish between different kinds of love. C.S. Lewis wrote a wonderful book titled The Four Loves in which he discusses at great length the different kinds of love. Lewis discusses

Storge, which is familial love and affection

Philia, which is the love between friends

Eros, which is romantic love or the feeling of being in love

Agape or charity, which is a love that brings forth a caring for others no matter the circumstances - unconditional love.

Lewis saw charity specifically as a Christian virtue and different from the other three. Lewis wrote that the natural loves alone were not sufficient. This supernatural love is necessary in order to keep the other three loves in check. For true agape wills the good of the other above the good of the self. It is this agape love that we must exercise when exhibiting any of the other three.

With regard to the topics of choice today, pre-marital sex and same-sex “marriage”, we must look at agape in light of eros. Before we even begin to discuss how to live out agape in relation to human sexuality, we must first understand God’s design for sex. The Catechism teaches us that sexual intercourse may only occur within the context of a valid marriage². Therefore, we can determine quite quickly that any sexual act that occurs outside of a sacramentally valid marriage is sinful. Why is it that sex can only occur inside a valid marriage? Sex can only occur inside a valid marriage because marriage is ordered toward the good of the spouses AND the procreation and education of children³. Sex must be BOTH unitive AND procreative in order to seek both the good of the spouses and the procreation of children. Any sexual act which seeks as its goal pleasure, isolated from the unitive AND procreative purposes of sex is morally disordered⁴. Pleasure is the byproduct of a reproductive act. Reproduction is not the byproduct of a pleasurable act.

Sex outside of marriage is known as fornication and is an offense against chastity. Since it seeks as its goal the pleasure of those involved and not unity AND procreation, it is also lustful. It is for this very same reason the Church teaches against the use of contraception. Pope Paul VI stated, “Any action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible is intrinsically evil”⁵.

If one truly loves (agape) the person they are with, they would will that person’s good above anything else. In the case of pre-marital sex or same-sex unions, eros or romantic love, absent agape is clouded by the sinful temptation of lust. How can one claim to truly love the person they are with and will for them their good above everything else if they are leading them down a path of sin?

This same argument may be made concerning same-sex “marriage”. The Church teaches that marriage is the life-long union of one man and one woman, which by its nature is ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring^6. The reason a same-sex union CANNOT under any circumstances be recognized as a marriage is because a marriage requires one man and one woman; not two men or two women. Secondly, marriage is ordered toward the procreation of children. A same-sex union cannot naturally result in procreation; therefore, it cannot be recognized as a marriage.

All of this leads back to one single point of origin – the separation of procreation from sexual intercourse. Because there are condoms, birth control pills and abortion our society has grown to believe that sex no longer has to include the “risk” of pregnancy. Now that pregnancy has been removed from sex, sex can be removed from marriage, and since sex no longer has to be procreative, sexual acts devoid of procreative properties have become acceptable. Because more people are having sex outside of marriage and contraception is not 100% effective, more people are having children outside of marriage – 40.7% of pregnancies occur to unwed mothers⁷. Society no longer views marriage as life-long union meant for procreation, but as a union of two consenting people. As I mentioned above, eros is the feeling of being in love; however, it takes a lot more than a romantic infatuation to make a marriage work. When that infatuation burns out, many couples call it quits – opting for divorce, which is why many in our society no longer view marriage as a life-long commitment. Do you see where I am going with this? If marriage is no longer viewed as a life-long union ordered toward procreation, then any two people for any reason can get married – opening the door to same-sex “marriage”.

What it really boils down to in both of these arguments as well as any other argument regarding sin is the personal choice to defy God’s will. We must be willing to accept that which God has willed for us, and accepting His will means turning away from sin. Homosexual acts at their core are no more or less sinful than fornication or contraception – all are offenses against chastity. In all three instances, God’s will is usurped so that man’s will may be realized. Anytime man's will is contrary to God's will, it is sinful. We need to pray for ourselves and pray for others that we may all realize God’s will in our lives, turn toward Him and away from sin.