Pro-Choice: Desperate Times - Desperate Measures
April was Abortion Recovery Awareness Month. The two primary goals of this month are to encourage and extend healing to those hurting by abortion and enlighten society on the effects of abortion on individuals and families. To kick it off, I want to share my experience from a few years ago, taking an abortion healing retreat in a woman's jail in San Diego.
Three of us stood at a bulletproof window separating us from an armed, uniformed receptionist. She slid a sign-in sheet and black pen through a small opening and asked us to sign it and exchange our driver's licenses for a visitor's badge. I thought back to what I heard in orientation: In the case of a lockdown, visitors will be escorted out; however, under certain circumstances, they may be required to stay until the situation is resolved. What was I getting myself into? Maybe my husband was right. I should have declined the invitation to co-lead one of the post-abortion healing retreats Rachel's Hope takes into the local women's jail.
The metal door opened, and we had to go through one at a time for security reasons. I was first, and as the door thundered shut behind me, I faced another. Being claustrophobic, I started breathing heavily in this little portal, even though it was only seconds before the second door opened.
The chaplain and prominent supporter of bringing post-abortion healing to incarcerated women waited for us on the other side. The retreat was held in the library on the opposite side of the facility. Curious eyes followed us as we passed the high chain-link fences that enclosed small yard areas outside each dorm-style cell. From my viewpoint, the cells lacked any form of comfort or hominess, only bunk beds and bare walls.
We arrived at the library and began to set up, making the room less institutionalized and more inviting and calming, something that would help the participants forget for a while where they were. Open flames were prohibited, so battery-operated candles were scattered around the room. The chaplain provided pencils … the tiny ones golfers use because larger ones are potential weapons. We brought in various snacks, a special treat for participating in the program, and another way to make the women feel special.
I expected to face cold-hearted, gum-smacking criminals sneering at the "church ladies." Still, as the seven women entered, I was taken aback. Although they displayed pleasure with the décor and practically drooled over the snacks, they were visibly anxious, nervously chatting. *Ann told me later that she and the others avoided approaching "the ladies" for fear of saying something stupid or wrong. In addition to their anxiety, their faces displayed defeat, sadness, and pain.
The first activity involved going around the room and sharing our abortion stories, with us three going first. As we spoke, the women nodded their heads and exchanged knowing looks. Although I was the only co-leader that suffered from alcoholism, albeit sixteen years sober and institutionalized for depression, we all had demons in our past. While we shared, the women whispered, "Them too?"
Their offenses were primarily drug and alcohol-related; possession, possession for sale, and some cases of theft and assault. All but one in the group had obtained multiple abortions, including *Susan, who had over ten. They had either been encouraged to abort by parents or a significant other, felt it was best due to their living situation, or, as Susan said, "used it as a form of birth control." They tried to maintain a sense of "being cool" while sharing their stories, but it didn't take long before the dam of pain and remorse broke, releasing torrents of tears. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding their pregnancies, they were unprepared for the havoc their "choice" would wreak on their lives.
Substance abuse is common among many women trying to deal with the emotional turmoil of abortion. It's a perfect but temporary way to forget or minimize what we have done; however, the negative feelings continue to surface, leading to more self-medicating. Dependence increases to the point of desperation and total loss of control. These women were all involved with drugs and alcohol at some level, and when hearing their accounts, one phrase entered my mind: "There, but for the grace of God, go I." As I said earlier, I am a recovering alcoholic. Abusing alcohol was the method I used to forget my two abortions. I drove drunk all the time but, luckily, never got caught. I could have easily caused an accident resulting in injury or death to another and ended up incarcerated and attending the jail retreat instead of co-leading.
While drugs and/or alcohol are used to numb emotional pain, they also disclose other self-destructive behavior, such as promiscuity. None served time for prostitution, but they all admitted to numerous sexual encounters. Again, the same applied to me; I had a nickname back in the day: Pass around Patti. Sex is a weapon to combat self-loathing. We are duped by the misguided notion that sex equals love, so the more love, the better. Eventually, we come to our senses and end up demoralized and ashamed. In an attempt to "settle down," we try to become monogamous and end up in multiple unsatisfying or sometimes abusive relationships. I've been engaged too often to count, entered into several affairs with married men, and am on husband number three. Due to a distorted self-image, we feel undeserving of being truly happy and "settled," thus adding more misery to our already fragile emotional state.
Assaultive behavior can be attributed to suppressed feelings that can no longer be controlled and subsequently escape in the form of physical violence. The pain is transferred to another, and the relief is so great that it mimics a chemically induced "high." However, just as with drugs and alcohol, the "high" eventually dissipates, and the need for relief returns. I resorted to verbal assaults, lashing out at loved ones for no reason, and the pain I inflicted left emotional scars as ugly as any physical ones. I spared no one in my family or circle of friends.
When discussing destructive behaviors and consequences, all of these women disclosed something that had not even crossed my mind. In an odd twist of fate, their self-destructive methods of dealing with the emotional turmoil of abortion(s) eventually resulted in losing custody, temporarily or permanently, of the children they chose to keep. But even then, it happens on the outside as well. Self-destructive behavior does not always lead to illegal activity but threatens the well-being of children. As for me, I never lost custody of a child, but I did purposely lose the ability to have one. I convinced a doctor to give me a tubal ligation at thirty, and I know of other women who have been compelled to do the same.
All behaviors, illegal or otherwise, are not only a way of coping but reflect a form of self-punishment. In fact, three of the inmates admitted to having thoughts of suicide at one point or another, a permanent solution to end the pain and anguish. Their admission brought back memories of the darkness I experienced before being institutionalized for being suicidal and telling the psychiatrist I was already dead inside and just wanted to finish the job.
As the retreat progressed, we grew to love these women, and by the time it ended, we hated to say goodbye. Although we weren't supposed to have physical contact, hugs were in order.
When I walked through those metal doors, I expected to find a significant difference between "them" and "us." I realized that we are all sisters in suffering that fell prey to the pro-choice rhetoric. We experienced the same pain, remorse, and regret and exhibited the same behaviors to different extents. We used whatever means necessary to find peace and regain control of our lives.
The abortion industry uses the feminist movement as its primary marketing target by promoting "my body; my choice" as a source of empowerment. To be empowered, a woman must be comfortable in her own skin, confident, and at peace. Once a woman has an abortion, empowerment slowly slips away, leaving nothing but a gaping wound in her soul, backfilled with pain, self-hatred, guilt, shame, and remorse.
The number of pro-life feminists is growing, and in all actuality, it should be the rule rather than the exception. They join several organizations exposing the lies perpetuated by the abortion industry. These lies lead women to believe that choosing abortion over life is a source of empowerment and has no ill effects. Really? Take a walk with me behind that metal door.
Note: I am not claiming incarcerated post-abortive women are there because of their abortion. They were detained due to their actions. However, their "choice" 's psychological effects could have very easily exacerbated other contributing factors.