Shattered and Reborn in Christ

God always manages to use those moments when I am shattered to crack my heart and soul open to more of His presence. It is like childbirth; the pain is forgotten when I hold my newborn. However, if there was no pain, no suffering in the first place, there would no baby or new growth in the Spirit. This is the paradox of authentic, Christian suffering as we journey closer to God the Father.

I once asked a priest what my life would have been like if I had not experienced suffering, if I had married a well-off dentist, had 1.25 kids and lived in an efficient, modern house. He put on a phony, pious face, put his hands together in prayer, and said in a high, mocking voice,

”Oh, you would be a nice Christian lady, praising the Lord.”

What he meant by that amusing bit of acting was that I would be shallow, without depth and strength.

If this is the situation, I say bring on suffering, because I want—no I need—to live in reality. I can think of no greater tragedy than to die and discover I had deluded myself, simply living happily on the surface, eating, drinking, doing chores, sleeping, and yet missing out on the core reality of what it means to be fully alive, fully human, in relationship to other people and to God.

Surprisingly, one of the keys to the longevity of our marriage is suffering. Suffering was a gift which unified my husband and I because it stripped away false pride and forced us to our knees in prayer. Honest prayer led both of us to self-knowledge, humility, and compassion for each other.

However suffering is only Christian when it is united to Christ. For many years I thought I was a suffering saint but really I was only swimming in self-pity. I spent years as a pitiful, innocent victim, crying my eyes out over my plight married to an insensitive man when all along my own sins blocked Christ’s love from flowing to both of us in our marriage. Once I focused on my own sin, my own need for growth rather than on my husband's issues, the Spirit of God could finally deal with my own sinfulness and need for healing. Suffering is only redemptive in the hands of the Holy Spirit as we die to our ego and pride and sin to rise in joy in Christ.

I have not written much about my pain, the struggle to raise nine kids with little money on a hobby farm. I only really write about the joy even though the long, dark periods in my life are the key to my freedom in Christ. Joy has always triumphed in the end. I tend to forget about the painful years, the years of suffering. The love of little people, strong tea, laughter, and the Presence of God in the midst of chaos shine through my stories and articles. However, I must not forget to tell people the secret to my joy is that my false self and pride have been shattered by both the demands of mothering and becoming one with my husband as a Catholic wife. Suffering on its own brings only death, not new life.

For me, God speaks through books, as well as my spiritual director, and Sacred Scripture. He has often changed my life through these “tools”, flipped an inner switch by bringing insight and clarity. I realize each difficult stage in mothering is normal, not a big deal because all mothers go through similar experiences. So I am not going through a dramatic or unusual crisis. I can see each difficult stage as a call from God to change and grow by going deeper, accessing the strength of the Holy Spirit within my own heart.

I want, no I need to live in Christ, healed, fully alive and strong enough to serve. I cannot tolerate the idea that my life was spent playing games, pretending to live, unable to love, whether as a mother, wife, daughter, or friend. If that means I must experience suffering with and through Christ, then so be it.