A confession when speaking to Christ during a retreat for deacons.
My Lord Jesus Christ! I write to you in the hope I will become more of what is expected of me. There is so much to be thankful for, that I have taken for granted; so much to give that I have held onto, so much to forgive that I have begrudged others. I know you have forgiven me all these and more. Now dear Lord Jesus Christ; I pray your Spirit will stay with me always; that I your servant, unworthy as I may be, will be able to reach out, with what talents you have given me, to all who starve and seek consolation, to give all that I have, that my energies will grow forth to be spent for their sake and forgiveness. To sacrifice for others’ lack of doing, that the souls of many may be reached. That if it is your will, my life may be used, given, punished for my brothers and sisters who so badly need you and know not where to find you.
My sins and failings are many and how terrible and often I have deliberately turned on you in viciousness. How often I seek to develop myself and yet only when I have felt pressures from lack of understanding and love through brothers and sisters. Only when I think I have been drained do I find solace with you O Spirit of God. Then strength again comes to me through you.
Perhaps on Good Friday of this year, when I preached so eloquently of the Cross, you spoke, because I believe so firmly that all sin, all victory is here. The meaning of Eucharist, conjugation, of life giving meaning begins here, the cross. Pierce my heart O Lord Jesus, that with your cross, your Spirit will pour forth from mine with living waters that are your graces, to wash clean my impurities and those of others that I may become obscure and you will be loved, more adored, more worshiped, more known, more sought after.
When I speak Lord, it is I know the voice of your Spirit. How often I have tried to write, or even mentally prepare sermons, topics, or homilies, how you have torn them down. How I know when your words come forth (total silence of a congregation, hardly a cough or baby’s whimper). You still the crowds when you not I speak. When the crowd gets restless you are finished and I step back.
Perhaps Lord I am learning to be still in my heart when you speak to me many times during the night and day. I am finding that upon your cross I must spiritually hang so in silence and humility I will close my mouth and listen to you. Then as you send me to speak I will open my mouth from the cross and the plea of many will be heard in love, challenges, in hope.
Even now Lord, I am being spent, but I welcome this Lord so that some thoughts will remain to remind me and many of your workings through us. As this retreat began, as it will end, I grew closer to you. I am your deacon; nail me to the cross, but give me patience to endure. Make me an example of suffering the whims and insults of others so they may get to the business of ministering to everyone else through their talents.
Again I accept my ministry of which you so often speak of to me, is to patiently accept and suffer at the hands of others ``in silence” so they and others may know how to be effective and use their energies on other important matters. I love you, your cross is my passport. Use me!
From a retreat May 23,1981