I have the misfortune of discovering myself obliged to be in public.
As my devotional life advances, and I pray desperately to St. Joseph for the virtue of meekness and the destruction of anger (See my Servant Leadership article), I come to envy that greatest of all saints (excepting the Virgin) for the fact that his candle never seems to have been lit.
This is the economy and workings of God. There is no great public saint nor person (for many of those whose candles God lights seem to succumb to temptations) that does not derive their merit from another. For instance, St. Joseph lends his merit to all of us. St. Stephen merited Paul’s great conversion (and how much that Apostle must have feared damnation! How his sins must always have been before him! How much he suffered to atone for them!); St. Fidelis merited the ministry of St. Francis de Sales, which is the most striking one I can see; St. Margaret Mary merited St. Colombiere. I know that there are many others. And I know, too, that the one receiving this merit for public works is not often a saint.
Since the two horrendous popes of Vatican II, God rest their souls, the doors of grace have shut firmly. There is, because of this, a great pressure behind them. I have heard of this from many good public personas. I heard of it first from my own dear pastor. What it means is that whenever anyone gathers any merit and stops sinning, this grace flows into them like a torrent of boiling water from a geyser, and it hurts.
I wish I had a vocation and was hidden away in a monastery. I have the misfortune of being married and having a daughter and a son, not as if these were bad things, but because they expose me necessarily to the world in this evil age. And how much worse it is now! For how aggressive the world is, and how grave the duty to which I am bound. I cannot be a good father without being a saint and martyr, so far as I can see it, and never before have men like me been more unfit for it. How the deck is stacked against us! How many corruptions I have built into my heart which now condemn me and subvert everything which I do. I cannot go to the confessional or to the parish without tainting every word, gesture, thought, and action with pride, and this if I avoid anger!
I have never been more grateful for my obscure position on this website. For I have little to no following. I couch the most aggressive and offensive thoughts of mine in the articles with the most obscure titles (See Servant Leadership) and put the more acceptable things in the controversial titles (See Why Pray in Latin). I would rather say nothing. But if my pride is not against me, and my vanity, and my anger, then after all that, there is still simple prudence which tells me that I received no great trade or profession with which to sustain my family from my first home except for writing. So I have to write. If I fail at it, God be praised, and He provides elsewhere.
That is my happy condition now. Pray God I continue to fail at it.
May the Lord reward you,
St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen pray for us.
St. Lancelot pray for us to have a holy king and meekness to follow him.
Mr. Nathaniel Slattery
Taurus Necrus Publishing