Forgive Yourself.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

     I used to be so hard on myself and go so long before getting out of the funk I felt. I used to do it more when I was younger. Dwellng on that awful feeling till it almost made me crazy. After realizing that the voices inside my head were not coming from someone who loved me, I realized it was me. I didn't Love myself enough to Forgive myself.

     People from my past helped give me the low esteem I carried into adulthood. The only thing is, I let them stay in my mind and in my heart. Carrying such a burden gets heavier and heavier. I have realized that by forgiving them, I CAN forgive myself.

     Now saying is not doing. It's hard. I was really hurt. My heart and my mind were really hurt. It was senseless and mean the things I endured. But dwelling on THEM or having THEM being the excuse for MY actions is just wrong.

     Throughout my life I have tried to be loving, caring and fair. Many times I have failed miserably. Cowering to the thoughts of manipulation and wanting to just have it fixed so I could move on. Not even realizing that enabling someone or something to remain in the state that is not good for them made ME in a state not good for me. 

     My reliance on friendships and feelings kept me in a mindset of worldly dependence which is not good for the soul or the mind. God Himself even said, " Earth and Heaven will pass away, but MY words will NEVER pass away".  I keep forgetting the second part. Especially when I feel alone or like no-one is listening. I start to panic and before you know it I'm enabling.

     It's hard not to enable and hard to surrender. I feel so dumb after I realize this. The funny thing is, I've come to the conclusion that I'm enabling myself. Enabling myself to feel fearful. Enabling myself to feel self reliant. Enabling myself to feel wrong. I won't forgive myself.

     I'm getting better though. I feel the power of the sweet Holy Spirit breaking through much more than before. I don't feel bad or sad for saying no to things or people and it really is true what God says about letting your no's be no and you're yes mean yes, and nothing in between. It free's you! No wishy washing around. If they don't like it, then that's on them.

     Forgiveness is sweet And tastes like honey. Stop chaining your heart to this world and drink up. I forgive, so that God will forgive me.