A Necessary Wait

I turned 20 in May 1973, and subsequently there was a release of a bestseller book in paperback version that pertained to a Jewish woman who had reached her 30th birthday and much to her chagrin, was still unmarried. With a vantage pointhat only be described as arrogant, I smirked over that scenario as well as the horrified reaction of my matriarchal coworkers who had daughters in the identical situation as the heroine in the story. 

It would have been to my benefit had I refrained from my smug attitude since 10 years later, I too was 30 and single. That was not part of the plan and by that juncture, I was informed by many family members, friends and associates that I was too old for matrimony. They insisted that despite my professional status, and appearance, I would never get married as the time for such had passed. In essence my desire was always to be wed but admittedly, I often went about things the wrong way which included in part, alliances with unavailable men. My accessible status was also due to the fact that I was unable to reciprocate the feelings of some who wanted to pursue me and of course that was vice versa. With such observations at the forefront of my thoughts, I started the process to change in March 1984, when I surrendered my life to the Lord to direct my steps as He so saw fit. 

Prior to that time, I was rarely one to congregate at bars or clubs and now that was unfeasible. Moreover, and with limited exception, I refrained from single events which I found depressing. What to do? A close friend of mine, who was instrumental in my commitment to the Savior, urged that I leave Catholicism and join a nondenominational church where not only would I be educated on Biblical principles, but in all likelihood, I would meet my husband in such a setting. At that moment, I was unable to fathom a departure from my lifelong faith. Although I agreed to visit her fellowship along with other congregations, I rarely felt acclimated in the evangelical setting. I was not a screamer and the robotic men whom I encountered, seemed incapable of ordinary dialogue as their verbal repertoire, particularly in response to a simple query, was either a Bible verse or a rambunctious “Thus sayeth the Lord of hosts!” 

In accordance with the word of faith movement, which was quite prevalent within that particular period, the suggestions offered to single women bordered on the ludicrous “…wear pretty lingerie to bed…set a extra place at the table…buy a bouquet of flowers and display them where he’ll be seated.” I’m sure the advice bearers meant well but their counsel prompted bouts of fantasy as well as unrealistic expectations. Others were on the opposite spectrum with the insistence that such desires were frivolous as God alone was their spouse and they had no need for male companionship. That mindset was displayed at a 4th of July party with Pentecostals that I attended in 1986, when one dour woman, with her husband in tow, loudly proclaimed to all in an impromptu speech that she had never wanted a man since Jesus was sufficient. As she droned on, my prevailing thought was “What on earth did he see in this wretched soul to warrant such a pursuit?”

I continued to visit a bevy of nondenominational churches but in the year and months which preceded my 40th birthday, the prevailing message had shifted to the insistence that Jesus was due to make His Second Coming prior to the year 2000 or if not, then soon thereafter. To say that I was depressed by such is not an exaggeration. Indeed, all that I could think of was that I had wasted my younger days in futility and now I would be caught up into Heaven as a single woman. The fact that I was childless did not bother me, but according to the multiple pulpits, I had forfeited my viable opportunities by my ungodly behavior, and thus, the door to matrimony was closed. It soon became apparent that the Body of Christ, particularly within the fundamentalist sects, discussed little else. One friend told me, with the utmost severity, that since the Savior would soon make his appearance, there was no need for her to save for her son’s college education. A charismatic Catholic nun, whom I had respected, chided me over my yearning for marriage as according to her, there would be no time for that to occur given the Lord’s imminent arrival. And so it went. 

The wait seemed endless and admittedly I was not always joyful when I learned of the impending nuptials of other individuals. On one particular morning, when my loneliness seemed unrelenting, I turned on a Christian program only to hear the wedded speaker emphasize in a condescending manner “Oh single people, I know your desire is to be married but you have to ask the Lord if it’s His will.” In disgust, I shut the television off but not before my parting shot at the screen “Did you ask Him whether it was His will for you to marry?” On another occasion, I accompanied a colleague to her Baptist church. A woman testified as to how a group of homeless men were ministered to by the pastor and ultimately one of them became her groom. In an instantaneous manner, my acquaintance turned to me with the gregarious suggestion “Let’s believe the Lord to bring our spouses to Highland.” I immediately negated that proposition…why limit the Savior? We joined the coffee hour which followed the service and as we engaged in conversation with an older female member, my friend opted to share that we were single and in fervent prayer for husbands. This sanctified saint of the Most High, who was married twice and seeking out her third mate, had the audacity to state with a sneer “Well how do you know that He wants you to be married?” I fixed her with a glare and then declared with conviction that God would not have given me the inclination to be wed unless He had planned to fulfill it. I then disengaged myself from her moronic dialogue. 

Although I called a moratorium on my visitation at most nondenominational churches, the reminders of my single-hood were incessant. The intensity of the various end time prophecies, coupled with the adverse comments from kin, made for recurring discouragement. One maternal aunt took particular pleasure in her incessant ridicule over my standing as an unmarried woman as she gleefully remarked that I would probably die in a nursing home given the fact that I was alone. I rebuked her words though they tore at my soul. A query over an invitation to a cousin’s wedding, which for me did not include a plus one, brought forth mocking derision “Are you serious? Who would you even expect to go with you?” as if to imply that a New York City blizzard in July had more likelihood to occur versus my ability to obtain male companionship. Eventually I ceased all attendance at certain family functions as I was no longer able or willing to tolerate the caustic remarks that pitted me as a pathetic laughingstock.

I was familiar with Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I cleaved onto that as well as other scriptures as I knew God was faithful. Nevertheless I was prone to despair as it became apparent that relatives were not the only ones to create emotional havoc. One Saturday night, I had dinner with a former colleague who had married almost ten years beforehand. Until then, I had considered Christopher a close confidante as the two of us were always able to divulge whatever issues were on our respective hearts. However our association disintegrated that very evening when Christopher casually shared that in essence, I should regard myself as an asexual being who, if I sought to have children, should consider a sperm donor for what man would ever want me? Needless to say, I ended our gathering early as I expressed my utter dismay over his cruel commentary and lack of empathy. The next morning, at the behest of an acquaintance, I attended service at her evangelical church in Nanuet, New York, where a guest minister was scheduled to give the message. The speaker was profoundly encouraging and I heeded his words particularly when he emphasized that not everyone should be allowed access into one’s inner circle or possess the distinction of friend. That resonated with me and when it was suggested that I return for the late afternoon session, I immediately agreed. I purchased the tape set and that night, as I headed home from Rockland County, I vowed that I would incorporate his messages into my life. 

With some mishaps of my own making along the way, I pursued the Lord with intensity and by late 1994, I perceived that significant adjustments were necessary in order to achieve that which He had for me. I also came to the realization that God’s people continually petition Him for change yet oftentimes they are far less than willing to make the effort to attain that which they so desire. We plead with Him to bless us but then we are loath to disembark from our comfort zone. By then, I had become weary of social encounters that yielded no satisfaction. Get-togethers with the women from my parish, who typically cackled over nonsensical items, had evolved into a chore. On one particular Friday evening, I visited a cousin and to my dismay, our sole activity consisted of walking aimlessly around her neighborhood shopping center. I became ill tempered over these mindless excursions and ultimately I acknowledged that to reach my God-ordained destiny, I would need to abandon all that was familiar as I allowed Him to have His perfect will. I then began to revise my intimate associates as I was aware that there was so much more to life than what they were inclined to receive. 

I could no longer overlook the fact that I was in dire need of spiritual maturity. Therefore there was nil hesitancy when I opted to depart from my parish in February 1995. Unbeknownst to me, I would return to the Church 16 years later but at that point, for a lifelong Catholic, my exodus was considered sacrilege. Nevertheless I ignored the outcry from my family as I remained home on Sundays for the next six months with my Bible, notebook and cassette player on hand. By late August, I had elected to join the Nanuet congregation which had hosted the guest speaker three years earlier. Moreover I continued to cling to God for I was wholly cognizant of the fact that it was only through Him that my circumstances would change. I was well aware of the travesties that I had engaged in prior to my surrender to His will and I had no desire to relive my past. As much as I wanted a husband, I realized that I had little alternative other than to do things His way. With that, I delved into the Word which literally transformed my life. My desire to be married had not dissipated but I knew within my very being that the Lord would bring about His plan for me in His way and His time.  Though the wait appeared interminable, I had finally reached the point where all I wanted to do was to serve Him and be faithful. 

By 1999, I was a member of a mega church here in New York City. There were four services and I typically made the drive from Queens to Brooklyn in order to attend the 7am. On Mother’s Day of that year…May 9,1999…it was my intent to be there for 11am and afterwards meet my family for dinner. I was unaware that God had other plans for on that morning I awoke at 4am, completely alert. An endeavor to go back to sleep was futile for exactly 20 minutes later, I was up and devoid of slumber. At that juncture, I reasoned that since I was unable to rest, I would attend my usual 7am service. I quickly prepared myself, called one of my friends “save me a seat”, and with that, I headed to Brooklyn. There was a guest speaker and afterwards I headed to the bookstore to speak to an acquaintance. As I walked to my car which was parked a block away, my friends were nowhere to be found. And then, as I reached the corner, my suddenly occurred for as I touched the curb to cross the street, a volunteer security officer from the church, deliberately came across my path and began to speak. I smiled, greeted him accordingly and as we engaged in conversation, it soon became apparent that the man in front of me had an impeccable character. We stood on that corner and spoke without pause for exactly 90 minutes. Finally, when I reached my car, I knew that my life had irretrievably changed. 

I was totally impressed with this Godly man particularly when he proclaimed that if we were to enter into a relationship, there would be no physical intimacy until marriage. Two days earlier, a courthouse colleague had given me his number with the request that I call him. I had no foreseeable knowledge as to whether Austin would be part of my future yet at that moment, I had the distinct awareness that I was unable to settle for any man with a lesser quality than his. With that, once I arrived home, I took the paper which had the other gentleman’s number and as I ripped it up, I said out loud “I’m not in need of this anymore.” 

It was evident that God had blessed me but even then, His children remain as a study in contrarianism and I was no exception. We desire the gift yet we still wish to dictate the manner in how it is to be presented. I state such as one factor that is oftentimes overlooked in the discussion of singles, is the issue of quixotic assumptions. Although Austin and I became friends, admittedly I had some initial misgivings regarding the potential relationship when I realized that he was not my educational equivalent. I was entranced with my own self-importance which included a master’s degree and a career as a federal probation officer. Would it not stand to reason that I should marry a judge or attorney? I mulled over this one morning as I prepared for work when I heard the distinct voice of the Lord say to me “You may have more education than Austin but he is way ahead of you in character.” With that I repented of my egotistical attitude and embraced the friendship. However, not everyone will accept this as many prefer to grasp onto delusional narratives that align with their fantasies. I have since spoken to single women of every caliber who insist that their potential husband has to fulfill their specific criteria including in part profession, salary, education, and make of vehicle. One asserted that she expected to be provided with a housekeeper while another maintained that any man who she married would never allow her to shovel snow. The instinct for deception is a dual gamut as there are men who have issued similar and foolish demands. A former Facebook friend insisted that his wife would have to be a virgin, irregardless of her age, and those previously married need not apply. He became angry when I asked what he had to offer given his status of homebound and perpetual unemployment. 

Realistically speaking, a number of individuals within the Kingdom, such as myself, accepted Jesus as their Savior subsequent to their involvement with sexual sin. The Lord, in His mercy, forgave us but it is also expected that we align with His Word which repeatedly warns against this transgression. Sadly, many single people within the Body of Christ prefer to ignore the mandate of Biblical purity and the justification to engage in this affront to the Lord is daunting. There are others who refuse to wait for God’s choice of a mate and therefore clench onto anyone, however unsuitable, as they function under the misconception that the Savior blessed them with that person. 

Ultimately, and following a Godly courtship, I married Austin on November 3, 2001, at the age of 48. I realize now that Jesus used the lengthy wait period to both develop my character and prepare me for His best. He is faithful and in the 22 years that have ensued, I have sought to encourage single individuals who wish to be wed. The Bible is replete with His promises to us and He is indeed committed to His Word but we have to reach the point where our agenda is secondary to His. He knows the desires of our heart and He is more than able to fulfill them. However we are to worship the Lord with the entirety of our being and not regard Him as a vending machine for immediate gratification of our wants. He is the Savior and there is nothing in our collective lives that should ever take precedence to Him.