End tune for a beginning chapter
“One Step Forward”
By April McQueen
One step forward and I am on my way. Who knows how long it will take for me to get there, wherever there is right now? That’s not important. What’s important in this moment is that I am moving. What seems like positive forward movement can be re-evaluated, however. On one day, when the sun is shining, the steps are seen as progress. On another day, full of clouds and rain, through another lens, the steps are so slow that they look more like static failure. But, as long as God is involved, something is going on, beyond my understanding. I try not to self-judge harshly and subjectively, but rather self-assess with as much objectivity as possible and be a gentle steward with the treatment of my soul.
Inner work is self-reflection and the mandatory expression and mind-boggling experience of the divine from within. Then step it up…I’m moving, forcefully faster, with all the misguided purpose of a high school marching band. Thoughts come with feelings that linger in the now, drumming and clashing through me or rocking me like a boat on the ocean. There is deep movement, a dizzying swirl of dreams and desires: an inspired spirit song without words. Let’s call this punctuated concert “growth”. Sometimes it’s muted music in harmony with me, a Holy Spirit soundtrack that will live on, after I am long gone; a legacy of dust and ashes blown to all four corners of the planet if there still is one.
A blind man once told me I had a beautiful voice. More importantly, would Our Lord find me to be beautiful in all ways possible and profound, important and eternally enduring? Would He then introduce me to what He sees and who I am: unique, precious, and His masterpiece? Yes! Through His eyes my beauty is evidence-based as His creation. And it is good.
I have grown but not grown up. Currently I find myself lost in a space whose language is love, and I am grateful for what that brings and what it means. Divine love introduces stability when my emotions are out of control and my thoughts are tossed about. I’m willing to come along for the ride even if I have to start by going through the motions until the intellectualism of my free will catches up with my hardened heart. Both make peace and soften, exchanging resistance for acceptance. This is surrender: one step forward.