Obedience Matters

It seems that requiring obedience from one’s children is very much out of vogue these days.  In fact, there are some parents who make no effort at all to make their chlldren obey. 

I frankly don’t understand this kind of parenting by persuasion.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s great to teach your children to do what is right with persuasion, gentleness, kindness and respect.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church instructs us in our responsibility to educate our children “first by creating a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule.”  But there will inevitably come a time when children will defy the parents and no amount of persuasion will change the child’s mind.  Many parents throw up their hands and give in at this point.  They will blame the behavior on the child and claim that there is nothing they can do about it.

In reality, there is a lot a parent can do about it.  You can tell the child that he must do as you say or there will be consequences.  You can give them to the count of three.  Once you say three, the consequences must be enforced, be it loss of privileges or a time out, or whatever.  For a teen it could be grounding, loss of driving privileges, etc.

I have seen the parents who seem to think it is wrong to enforce their will on the child.  They tell a child that it’s time to go, but the tone of voice conveys very clearly that it’s optional.  The child then ignores the parent.  The parent gently repeats what is evidently a request several different times while everyone waits.  Eventually, the child decides to go and complies.  In the meantime others are incovenienced and the child is taught a dangerous lesson.  You don’t need to do what your parents say.  It’s OK to ignore your parents.

Why is this a dangerous lesson?  Children are not able to live independently because they are not old enough to make the decisions that independence requires.  They are not safe unless under the supervision of responsible adults, usually the parents.   If, in spite of their dependence, they are not taught to listen to and obey those in authority over them they are going to get into trouble.  They may be disruptive in school.  They may drive their family crazy by causing repeated conflicts.  They may choose to do things that endanger themselves or others.  They can become little tyrants. Eventually, if they never learn self-control from somewhere or someone, they can end up in trouble with the law.

The sad fact is that disobedient children are not to blame for their lack of self-control. It is parents who must teach the child to comply with boundaries by being willing to set limits and apply consequences for crossing those limits.  Is it possible to completely control a child?  No.  But parents have a great deal of influence and it is a parent’s responsibility to require obedience from their own children. For millennia, requiring obedience has been considered a parent’s responsibility. It’s biblical. From Proverbs 22:6, “Train a boy in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not swerve from it.” And again in Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for that is what is expected of you.” 

The Catechism cites Jesus’ obedience to Mary and Joseph, “Jesus’ obedience to his mother and legal father fulfills the fourth commandment perfectly and was the temporal image of his filial obedience to his Father in heaven. (CCC 532)  “By his obedience to Mary and Joseph, as well as by his humble work during the long years in Nazareth, Jesus gives us the example of holiness in the daily life of family and work." (CCC 564)

Children must obey their parents. Obedient children are given the benefit of the doubt. They are liked by teachers and others in authority. They have doors opened for them. Life is safer and easier for them. To love your children is to teach them to obey. The world may not affirm your efforts, but the fruit will be readily evident in your children in the present and for years to come.