Leveling

When I was contemplating writing this article, I wanted to ensure I could express my thoughts well, or not write it at all.  So, here goes……..

Sailing along

So, your life is moving right along.  You just had your annual physical and the doctor says all looks good.  Your job brings you a sufficient level of satisfaction…no real issues.  As a matter of fact, you just got a raise.  Your personal financial status is in pretty good shape.  You’re not overdrawn at the bank.  The kids are getting decent grades.  Perhaps the vacation you’re planning seems to be on track.  Your family appears to be reasonably happy.  So, what am I getting at?  What’s the problem?

Everything is fine…….then it happens.  You get bad news.  So, why does your life get interrupted?  Is this what we call “God’s Will”?  You were nothing but happy, and now you’re not.  What did you do to deserve this?  Is God punishing you?  Are you being tested?  Or, were things just going too well, and a bit of reality was visited upon you to level things out?

This happened to me recently.  I had a pretty good annual physical, work at the parish was going well.  Christmas shopping was completed.  The bills are being paid.  My friends are there for me.  So, why?  Why did I get some bad news about a friend?  No, the bad news didn’t affect me, but it affected my heart because it affected a good friend which saddened me and has given me a heavy heart.  Although the whole story has yet to be told about how my friend is affected, it is troubling enough to put a damper on my life for now.  And I am praying every day that this burden is lifted from my friend.  So, again, am I being punished, besting tested or is this that “leveling” out of things?

Looking for answers

About 8 years ago, I lost my boss who was also a dear friend of 35+ years.  He was the best guy in the world.  He would have done anything for anybody.  He was still fairly young at 64 years old.  I remember thinking at the time, why Terry?  What did he ever do but be a good friend, a good husband to his wife, a good father to his 2 children and a wonderful supervisor.  I don’t know if I expected God to give me an answer as to why he took my friend.  My brain told me time would take care of the hurt.  And I’d be lying to say that it didn’t.  But I don’t know that I ever understood why “God takes the good ones”.  And I will admit that I was angry with God for a time.  Afterall, Terry was one of his best works.

I think about my friend, Terry, every week.  I know he is with God.  But I think about all the broken hearts left here on earth when he was taken from us.  Are we supposed to rationalize loss?  Or just accept it?  Are we supposed to just say “that’s life” and move on?  Are there answers in some book I’ve never read?  If I could answer these questions, I’d be the most popular person in the world.

Fairness

We are not promised 95 years, 65 years, 20 years or even 2 years of life.  As a Catholic, I believe God has a plan for each of us regardless of how much time he’s given us to enjoy it.  Is it heart-breakingly hard to accept why our life or the life of someone close to us is taken or threatened?  Of course.  Is it unfair?  Maybe.  What’s fair?  Who knows.  But we were all told at some time, “life is not always fair”.  My Catholicism tells me to believe what Jesus said…. “I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”  My mind believes this.  Sometimes it is tougher to convince my heart.

Be prepared

Although I’ve focused on potential loss of life, throwing a wrench into one’s life can also involve so many other life changing events which just takes your “Disneyworld” life, and cancels the trip.  I guess my point is that we must enjoy the swings “up” in our lives and always be prepared for that leveling which will ultimately come.

I’ve relied on prayer a lot lately.  I have to rely on Jesus to be there to help me through these sad times, just like he’s gifted me with so many happy times.  This knife in my heart may not affect ME, but as long as it affects those I love or care about, then it will be just as difficult to accept as if it were me.  And I am realistic enough to know someday, it “will” be my turn to deal with some version of “bad” news.  I will always rely on Jesus to be the one I lean on for help.  If I don’t, then I can’t expect prayer to be that solace I need.  I know God loves me and based on how much I’ve been praying lately, he knows how much I am hurting.  I have to lean on Him to comfort me.  If I don’t, then I will not only lose hope, but lose my confidence in Him.  And I’ll never allow that to happen.  NEVER.

I have to stay confident, and I do have reason to be somewhat optimistic.  It’s that realization that I cannot predict the future and can only ask God to extend that feeling of “all is good” with the world….until the time it isn’t, and I have to carry that very heavy cross.  And it’s then, when I will rely on my faith, and my relationship with Jesus to help me carry that cross, and help me understand "why".  For now, I will keep looking up, because that is where I can find my hope and answers to my prayers.