Catholics and Invalid Marriages

When I was 20, I got married. I was young, but totally in love. I was also someone who suffered from low self esteem and confidence, and was overjoyed to have snagged what I thought was a great catch for someone like me. I couldn't believe this man had chosen me and was on cloud nine to marry him and become his wife. There were many red flags at the time, flags someone not suffering from low self esteem and confidence should have recognized. The thing is, I grew up not thinking so much of myself and being told how bad I was, so I didn't think I deserved relationships void of physical and verbal abuse. I thought this was all I was worthy of, and become quite grateful and even attached to it. So although this was a very unhealthy and unstable relationship from the very beginning, we married and ventured into an equally unhealthy and unstable marital relationship. I was still very grateful for it.

We moved across the country and I gave up everything, including family, friends and financial independence. I dove into the role of Army wife of an officer, and excelled. I made many friends, assumed some pretty prestigious volunteer roles, and reveled in being an Army Officer's Wife. The parties, balls, galas, coffees and volunteer work was quite fulfilling, and I really loved it. My life at home was quite different though, and that relationship continued to deteriorate. We had been married in the Catholic Church and went through all the preliminary counseling and classes. We were very nominal Catholics. We attended Mass sporadically. I joined a singing group at the base parish. Eventually my marriage and my life came crashing down, after about four years of misery, my ex-husband filed for divorce. Although there was abuse and infidelity, I was devastated. I moved home, with $200 in my pocket, from El Paso, Texas to Cincinnati, OH. I had no job, no friends, and no home. I am a fighter though, and so within a few months I had found a place to live, was employed, and had reunited with friends and family. I made a life for myself. I also joined the choir at my old parish, and began attending Mass on a regular basis, because I loved to sing, and loved being in the choir. I didn't really know the faith though, and rejected many Church teachings.

After about a year or so, I met someone and we moved in together. Needless to say, although I was "practicing" my Faith, (well, I was going to Church on Sundays to sing in the choir) I was living very contrary to the teachings of it. I was living in a state of mortal sin, and yet I still received communion, and really didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was picking and choosing which teachings I liked and wanted to believe and disregarding all the rest.

Yet, when my new boyfriend proposed, I knew in my heart that before we married I needed to seek pastoral guidance, and seek an annulment. I knew this was necessary even though I disregarded just about every other moral teaching on the topic. I'm not sure why I was so convicted about this, but I was, and so we began the process. It was a long, tedious, and difficult process, and more than once, I wanted to quit. I didn't though, and eventually I was granted the annulment and we were free to marry in the Church. And, that is what we did.

Fast forward 20 years. After 20 years of cafeteria Catholicism and immoral living, mostly by using artificial contraception and never going to confession, I underwent a reversion. I became on fire for the faith and starting learning it, for real. It made me angry that I went through Catholic school for 8 years and had never really been catechized. It made me angry that I was involved in a parish ministry for decades and was being taught and fed heresy. I fell in love, and I got right with God. I went to confession for the first time in about 30 years, and I dove in full force and haven't looked back since. I can't tell you how grateful I am for the conviction God put on my heart to get that annulment. Once I underwent my reversion, my current marriage was transformed and we both embraced a new life in Christ. I am not sure that would have been possible, if we had not gone through that annulment process and married in the Church. Even though we had so many faults and were living in ways contrary to the Church, that was a soul saving Grace for us. I can't imagine the nightmare we would have faced trying to be faithful with our new found knowledge and devotion, if we wouldn't have taken that step, and completed that hard and painful work. It is a very convoluted journey, but thank God that teaching about divorce and remarriage, was one that seemed to really matter me, and then us.

Which is why I am telling my story. I am absolutely dismayed by so many, if not most of my peers, who forego this process, get divorced, and then remarry outside the Faith. Even knowledgeable individuals and couples seem to support children in this quest, and in some cases even officiate these types of weddings. I now know just how scandalous this is. Catholics are obligated to marry in the Church. To not do so without your Bishop's permission is gravely evil. Those who support such activity are condoning mortal sin. Those marrying outside the Church are not validly married in the eyes of the Church or the eyes of God, and so they are entering into lives of fornication and if they are remarrying without an annulment, fornication and adultery. These are some of the gravest of sins. Someone's rejection of these teachings doesn't nullify them. Those condoning and supporting this kind of behavior and activity, when knowing how wrong and evil it is, will be held accountable for those they lead astray. It does nobody any good. What we support, condone or reject now, will have lasting and eternal consequences and influences on those close to us. We have such power and impact on our kids, friends and other family members. It might be very difficult now, but in the future could be transformative both temporally and eternally. Speak up, advocate for God and His Church, because by doing so, we advocate for holiness and righteousness and our family, friends and kids deserve this. God wants this for all.

When my son recently got married, I told him how vital getting married in the Church was. I even told him I would not be able to attend the wedding if he opted to not get married Catholic. That was hard, but I knew it was necessary. They needed to know how convicted I was. They needed to know how devoted I was to the Lord's teaching. Perhaps more of us need this kind of conviction, because these situations have become an epidemic. It is ruining souls, and destroying opportunities for what could be wonderful sacramental marriages. This really is where the rubber hits the road for us as Catholics. Each situation is different and needs pastoral guidance. How we approach those making these types of bad decisions will vary for each of us, but the long lasting effects of sin are never good, and our implications in that sin will become our sin as well, if we do not make the Truth known. This is an issue that so many are trying to secularize and deny, even high ranking members of the Church, but it is an eternal truth. The marital bond cannot be broken. An annulment is not a "Catholic divorce." It is an investigative process to determine if the marriage was truly valid in the first place. Sometimes, it is determined the marriage is valid, and annulments cannot be granted. This is a true cross for some, but a cross that can lead to holiness. The rejection of this cross, leads to the separation from God and His Church. This is precisely why the whole issue of divorced and remarried Catholics, who have not obtained annulments, receiving Holy Communion is such a huge issue. Because we cannot receive Our Lord if living in states of mortal sin, and condoning mortal sin implicates us in that sin. It also leads others astray, who witness this, and then misunderstand and think living such lifestyles is okay.

I am so grateful I went through that annulment process. I am so grateful for my reversion and my ability to respond somehow to the Graces God was gifting to me. I really don't know why the annulment process was something I was so convicted about. I was surrounded by others who ignored it and still were living lives as "normal" Catholics, after remarrying outside the Church. I can't imagine how difficult things would have been, or even impossible, when we did return to the Faith in a more devout and genuine way, if we had not gone through that process so many years ago. Even though we didn't really understand it, and quite frankly, resented the process, what a life and soul changing decision that was, even if not realized until decades later. We really need to start making sure our brothers and sisters understand the ramifications of marrying outside the Church, in any and all situations. Just knowing this, could make all the difference for them, whether today, or a day decades from now.