Jesus, I trust in you

Trust, for me does not come easy. I'm ashamed to admit how many times I've said it to Jesus, but still sink back into the thoughts of self resistance. Probably hurting our lord time and time again. I think that's what it means by talking the talk but not walking the walk. Oh! How my heart yearns for the total surrender that so many of our beloved beautiful saints had. It's kind of scary to me. Falling totally backwards into the arms and care of something I can't see. THAT'S hard for me, especially when I'm praying for myself. I'm prideful and it shows when I fret and worry when the answer isn't in an instant. God forgive me. I do love Him so much.

     Padre Pio says "Pray, Hope and Don't worry." I pray and pray and I hope and hope but still worry. Oh God grant me grace! Give me surrender, please. Often, He really does give me peace ...eventually. I'm sure it would come faster if I would surrender faster. I don't let it sustain me. I allow the evil one to enter fear into my mind and heart and then I'm back to square 1 with a tug of war. That could go on until my Jesus rescues me when I've had enough. Why can't I just surrender totally? Is my life so important that if God called me to Himself this very minute I shouldn't run to Him? I need to pray for Grace more. I'm so busy praying for everyone else, I forget to ask for the graces I need, and I need a lot of them. Patience, Humility, with God's will living in my heart and, oh, just everything.

     I want this New year, if God will allow me, to be different. I want to love more and listen more. I want God to be proud of me instead of having to say to Him every night, "I know I've disappointed you again today". We're always so sorry after the fact. At least I am. I'm ashamed of myself. But, I get up in the morning, starting out so sincere and then I walk out into the world and something will mess with me. I'm like a shark ready to attack. Thinking I know better about so many things. But I don't listen. I'm ready to judge because I think I'm right. God forgive me. Give me the trust in you I desire for the well being of my soul. Teach me how to surrender. I know God won't let me down. He never does. He's not like me. So I'm going to quit acting like I can do His job and keep getting back on the train that's bound for heaven.

    "Jesus, Once again, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything."