Survivor's guilt (6 January 2005)

This is very difficult for me to write, because it's not something that I'd ever have to write about. But, I know that sometimes catharsis is needed. On 6 January 2005, in Graniteville, South Carolina, United States, at 2:37 am according to my mom's clock, two trains collided into each other, and there was a chlorine gas spill. Some of y'all may be unaware of what it's like to inhale chlorine gas. Imagine gargling shards of broken glass. Anyway, my stepdad went down to the train tracks to see what was going on, and started coughing badly (he's a heavy smoker, so that can't have helped), and we got my little sisters and pets, and left. We got out early, because it woke my mom up, and she knew it was a chemical spill. We went to my grandparents house in Martinez, Georgia (if you ever go there, Mart-UH-nez, not like the name). The EMS came, and I am not sure they believed us. The rest of my household went to the hospital, I didn't feel I needed it (oh, how wrong I was), and got treatment. I do not recall if my mom knew that it was chlorine or not, but she certainly knew it was a chemical spill). Anyway, we were paying close attention to the local news, and, at the time, they were saying it was a "train derailment", well, they were at first. Eventually, it came to light, that two trains had collided (I believe someone fell asleep at the switch, here's a poorly written article about the topic, Graniteville train crash ). The sheriff, whom I've met, and get along with, had the absurd idea of not evacuating people in the contaminated zone until the afternoon, in fact, around 13 hours AFTER it happened. Nine people died. I don't blame the sheriff on that. (I do blame Norfolk Southern, as I believe their negligence contributed). For awhile, Graniteville was a dying town. The factories left soon after that. People were out of jobs, abandoning houses. It's since re-devoloped, which is good, but I fear it's losing it's small town charm. For a long time, though, I wondered, "why those nine, and not me"? I was in high school at the time, had classes with people who lost family members. Then I started thinking about it. I wasn't ready to die. I wasn't a Christian of any sort, let alone a Catholic Christian. But it did open up my eye's to God's existence. And, thinking back on it, maybe those people died, because they were ready to die. I wasn't. I knew about Christianity, I know Catholicism was the first Christianity. These were not unknown to me. But that's not the same as being convinced that it's true. And some good did come from it. Graniteville, being unincorporated, doesn't have a government of its own, but, the citizens did become more active in local politics. We started doing things like town meetings, not even related to the train disaster, which I can't recall ever doing before it. We may have, but I don't remember them. We got to actually learn about the people that lived next to us, which is a novelty in the 21st century. But, reflecting back on it, the people that died may have been ready to die. I wasn't. My girlfriend at the time (God bless her), her parents actually sent us $50 (thanks Caryn's parents!). I asked her why, and she said it was to buy food, because our cereal was contaminated or something along those lines. Anyway, there's a Bible verse that has stuck with me. There are, of course, the verses that are on the memorial. But, another verse that makes me think about why I survived and these people didn't. (Remember what I said, they may have been ready to die, I wasn't). "For my thoughts are not your thoughts: nor your ways my ways, saith the Lord". (Isaiah 55:8, or, as the Douay Rheims renders it, Isaias). Now, there's more there, but, this is what's in my brain. Since I mentioned "survivor's guilt", you might be wondering where that is. Well, why didn't I die? Why didn't I choke to death on chlorine gas like those nine other people? These are things I've thought about for years. And the truth is. I don't know. I suppose it is because I wouldn't have repented. And I truly believe God gives everyone that chance. Maybe I'm wrong. But there has to be a reason. I think I know what it is, but, because my ways are not God's ways, I could very well be wrong.

Here's a link to the memorial, and you can read the Bible verses inscribed yourself: Graniteville Train Derailment January 6, 2005