Valuable Lessons Learned In the Darkness

One of the greatest graces that I am receiving as a result of my precious son’s death (and I believe that it is Brett that is praying for this) is a growing awareness of the Holiness of God. This inevitably leads to a growing awareness of my own sinfulness and smallness. As a matter of fact, I am learning that the distance between myself and an ant doesn’t even compare to the profound and infinite distance between me and God.

I had always somewhat “known” this intellectually but in practice it did not guide my thoughts, preoccupations, hopes, desires, fears, joys, actions, etc. In reality, I was guided by many illusions. I had reduced God to my “Prosperity Gospel” God and I had developed a spirit of entitlement and presumption. I wrongly believed that if I did A, B and C…I would obtain my “paradise” here in earth where each one of my children and my husband would be living a full, abundant Catholic life. I believed that if I persevered in prayer and sacrifice, they would eventually and even automatically be converted and all would be well with our souls here and now.

As a result of this, I ignored the red flags the Holy Spirit raised in my heart from time to time when Brett said or did something; at the very most, I rationalized that he was an adult; that his actions and beliefs were temporary and would eventually give way to a conversion because of my prayers and sacrifices for him. I based this on my own personal journey to conversion. After all, didn’t I behave the same way at his age and didn’t I need to find out the hard way that God really is the answer to all of the restless longings of my heart?

I would tell Brett what I thought about his actions and he would always say: “Mom, just like you, when I am in my 30’s I know I will be more into the Catholic Faith.” That statement would cause my red flags to go down and a false peace to settle in. Two weeks before he died, I raised my concerns to him again and, once again, he answered the same way: “Mom, when I am in my 30’s…” This time I said to him: “Brett, you might not have that much time.” Even when I said those words, I didn’t really believe them. I thought I was doing my part – pointing out to him the right path (in addition to praying and sacrificing for him) and that it was inevitable that he would be converted. I looked forward to his 30’s when we would be one in the Spirit.

It was truly a “dark night” in my soul when he died suddenly and unexpectedly two weeks later. In no way did I see this coming. It was a complete blindside. I felt like I was placed into a completely dark room with no light at all. I had to learn to live in this darkness. Everything that I had believed up to this point - many things that I had learned for the past 20 years of walking closely and intimately with the Lord, were of no help to me at that moment. I had to relearn/reevaluate many things I thought I could count on.

Even though at first I felt abandoned and rejected by God, I somehow was able to “offer up” (open up) each wave of grief to God. This gave Him the opportunity to pour His love into my heart and His strength into my spirit; this empowered me to unite my mortal anguish with his perfect sacrifice to be used for other people. For me, this was a true sacrifice of praise and trust – for it was offered in the midst of mortal anguish, darkness and confusion.

Eventually, it was as if my “eyes” adjusted to the darkness and I could see that God was present there; he had been there all along. He had never left me. He was carrying me and teaching me things I needed to learn. Here are just a few that relate to this post:

• This life is truly NOT paradise; the next life is if we live and die in God's grace.
• God is far more concerned with Eternity rather than this life.
• We cannot box God in with our earthly hopes and dreams. His ways are so far above our ways…
• The “prosperity Gospel” is an insidious lie. God does not promise prosperity. He promises the cross and His presence in our suffering and the grace to make it redemptive.
• Free will matters and the way we and our loved ones use it matters.
• In time, God will bring a greater good out of every suffering.
• God’s holiness is profoundly underestimated.
• Our sinfulness and need for penance is profoundly underestimated.
• Presumption and misunderstanding about his mercy and grace are rampant.
• God provides everything we need to become a pure offering through His Church, but…
• Our cooperation with His grace matters.
• We truly need to be “watchful” and “ready.” We do not know the day or the hour when our earthly life will end.
• If we truly love others we will make sure they are fully aware of these truths.
• The Communion of Saints, indulgences and Purgatory are much needed consolations for a grieving heart.
• NEVER ignore red flags - the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit. A red flag is an invitation from God to pay closer attention to something; to seek His counsel for a situation; to act in a more intentional way, in a different way. God is letting us know that what we have been doing up to that point is not adequate. Something more is needed and God will guide us if we persevere.

I believe that God saved Brett’s soul and that is how he used my previous prayers and sacrifices on his behalf. But, Brett was not prepared to die. He did not understand the concept of “temporal consequences” for his sins and the need for penance. Because of this, I also believe that there is a good chance that Brett is in Purgatory and needs my help to reach full union with God. The Communion of Saints and Indulgences are a wonderful way for me to assist him. It is truly a win/win because, I have something concrete and effective to do with my grief. But not only that, as I grow in holiness, my prayers and actions for Brett and all the Holy Souls in Purgatory will be more effective. God could not have given me a more powerful incentive to combat my sins and bad habits! Each day, I wake up and pray this prayer:

MORNING OFFERING

O my God, in union with the Immaculate Heart of Mary (here kiss your Brown scapular as a sign of your consecration – this carries a partial indulgence). I offer Thee the Precious Blood of Jesus from all the altars throughout the world, joining with it the offering of my every thought, word and action of this day.

O my Jesus, I desire today to gain every indulgence and merit I can, and I offer them together with myself, to Mary Immaculate, that She may best apply them to the interests of Thy Most Sacred Heart. Precious Blood of Jesus, save us! Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us! Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!

I then do my best to live this out all day.

The doctrine and practice of gaining indulgences is a wonderful source of healing for a grieving heart because it gives the person something concrete and effective to "do" with the waves of grief that can literally drown him/her. Through this union with the cross of Christ, the waves become living water and, instead of a cause for drowning, they flow away from the grieving person and to the other people they offer them for as a cause for their healing.

I feel that the Lord has led me to this treasure in the Church as a way of assisting him on his journey to full union with God and, as a result, it has opened my eyes and heart to the needs of all the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Indulgences are a wonderful way to help the holy souls! Learn about Indulgences here.