How Screwtape Planned the NY Cathedral Desecration

Note: This letter takes its inspiration from C.S. Lewis's famous novel,
The Screwtape Letters. Scewtape is a senior demon writing to
his sidekick and underling demon, Wormwood. The letter gives
a glimpse of the strategy of the Devil and his viewpoint in
waging spiritual war. Screwtape sent this letter to Wormwood
to prepare him for a major attack on the Church which we
have all been reading about in current events. If anything in
this letter offends you, it is Screwtape's fault not mine.

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,                                              2/14/24

I am writing to send you on a special mission. This Lent, our Father of Lies wants you to stir up and guide a historic act of defiance. He wants to convince the world of the Church's sanctimonious hypocrisy. In a few days at St. Patrick's Cathedral there will be a funeral for an atheistic, trans-activist, non-Catholic man named Cecilia. You are to begin working out all the necessary machinations, pull all the right levers and seduce all the right players so that we can pull off one of the greatest, most satanic desecrations in modern Church history.

Instead of a focus on God, this will be a ‘celebration of the life of the deceased’. These kinds of events are perfect for infiltration since the Church really tends to emphasize that it is a welcoming community. Don't worry, no one will bother to Google the person's name or vet the family. Your primary goal will be to take advantage of this welcome.

Go in and invert everything holy, mock everything sacred (especially the Virgin Mary). We will try to get at the Eucharist (if the Enemy permits it) to desecrate it and it should be quite easy to steal the Host so that we can use it in our own unholy celebrations, if you know what I mean.

Wormwood, study well the official book called "Order of Christian Funerals". It is the one approved by the Church. In it you shall discover the Enemy's playbook. You will know which parts must be mocked or inverted. Chances are the presiding priest, if it’s the guy we want to get, won’t have a clue what is in that book.

We will make sure the presider is on the more liberal side of things and that he is someone who doesn't mind calling the atheistic man, 'our sister in Christ'. I can’t believe how many people we are confusing with that one!

The catch phrase that we must keep using is 'pastoral'. Of course, a funeral is the perfect environment to be pastoral. We have also laid the groundwork to create a legitimate fear of being seen as rigid and indifferent. It’s the perfect opportunity to wreak havoc. No one wants to be seen as rigid, unwelcoming or indifferent. 

When it becomes clear that this is no ordinary funeral Mass they will panic and try to switch it to a simple funeral blessing rite….stay focused and have them drown out the liturgy coordinator as he is telling the priest what to do. Have them yell profanities, applaud loudly, hoot and holler.

See if you can get the priest or liturgical coordinator to approve our own music, maybe we can play your favorite death or black metal song and project it over the speakers. If that can’t happen then you know what would be a special way to invert the sacred and achieve mockery to the max?

You know Wormwood, for maximum mockery we can simply entice the crowd to replace the holy name Maria with the deceased man's name, Cecilia. Imagine the chorus of our special deviants chanting, ‘Ave Cecilia’ instead of 'Ave Maria'. We will also mock that dreaded Hail Mary prayer with the words yelled loudly from the sanctuary, ‘Hail Cecilia mother of the wh*res’. It will be a near perfect inversion of that Woman, the mother, the one we hate. We use inversion, Wormwood, because we cannot create anything on our own. We may only invert and distort the truth.

After that we will have our own special canonization rite. The deceased will be declared a saint by the anti-church, in the spirit of the anti-Christ. Make sure the photo of the deceased is moved as close to sanctuary as possible. No one will mind. Also, make sure the image is altered to include a halo or something. This will serve as mockery of sainthood and sacred art. We shall venerate Cecilia as an icon of Our Father of Lies. 

For maximum effect and the utmost mockery make sure the people are dressed in full drag queen regalia. Those are the ones I want to do the readings, the prayers of the faithful and the eulogy. I want three of them to give the eulogy, as an unholy trinity. I can’t wait to see what happens when they mock the priest as they approach the ambo. It will bring down the house. We don’t want the priest to choose the readings either. Make sure the family gets to choose.
Keep those pesky liturgical ministers as far away as possible. Make sure there’s no security and no ushers. Any bright ideas to call the police must be squashed from within. Use their emotions to cloud their intellect. That always works.

Oh, one more thing…if the cardinal finds out (which of course he will) make sure you get him to call the priest a hero or savior or something. He will be forced to offer a Mass of reparation but it is a win, win for our side. We get the spectacle and then we will rub their noses in their hypocrisy by claiming that the Church is not a welcoming place after all. We will shame the faithful as if the faithful were sinning. We'll even demand a public apology.

When they get wind of this, the good humans, broken down and demoralized, will be left in a state of heightened anxiety. They will be left scratching their heads, bewildered once again by the banality of evil and the fecklessness of the Enemy's leaders in the face of it.

p.s. I have the pocorn ready. I can't wait to see how this one unfolds.

Your affectionate uncle,

SCREWTAPE