Surrendering the "what ifs" for God's pure gifts.

It was a beautiful almost-spring day when my husband and I decided to go for a walk with our toddler. We had received a piece of our neighbor's mail by mistake, so I took a detour to return it to them, then happily jaunted back to my husband and son to continue our walk. But the next thing I knew, I was falling to the ground hard, unable to catch myself. There was a large broken sidewalk that I had failed to see.

My husband pulled me up and some neighbors stopped to see if I was ok. Embarrassed, I quickly told them all I was fine. As the shock started to wear off, I became more aware of my bloody hands and knees and the sharp pain of a broken finger. Then the question loomed between my husband and me: Is the baby ok? I was 25 weeks pregnant.

Hot tears began to roll down my face as I called the doctor and they told me to get the baby checked right away. We decided for me to go alone since loading up the toddler would make leaving take longer, and we had a whole pork shoulder on the smoker that would go bad if my husband abandoned it (which he would have). So I went alone, shaking and crying, thinking that we might lose this baby and it would be my fault. My clumsy fault for falling… 

So many “what ifs” went through my head: What if I had returned the mail to the neighbor earlier today? What if I hadn’t gotten the mail today at all? What if it wasn't such a nice day for a walk? What if I wasn't so clumsy? What if we lived closer to the hospital? What if it was already too late?

I arrived at the ER and waited in line to check-in. The lack of urgency in the room was shocking as my heart ached with the thought of whether I was carrying a living baby or not. The woman behind me spotted my tears and my belly and the blood and exclaimed that they should be taking care of me! I agreed. She said she would pray for me and the baby. I was so thankful and felt God draw near.

The receptionist told me I would be next, still with no urgency in her voice, so I paced the waiting room and tried to hope. I prayed and prayed that God would protect my baby. The nurse came out and called someone else and audibly shared that they weren’t supposed to be next but she wanted to get them anyway. God, why are you letting this happen? I asked. What if my baby is dying?? I desperately pleaded. 

It was then that I felt him respond to my heart with peace. I felt so out of control but was reassured by how in control God is. If he wanted to protect me from falling, he could have. If he wanted me to get treated faster, he could make it so. He is the God who parted the Red Sea, he can certainly part waiting rooms and shorten lines. But he was allowing all of this to happen, and he was taking care of me and my baby in the midst of it all. He’s not one to be petty or hold things against us. He’d never say to me that it was my fault for being clumsy. He wouldn’t let my baby die just because a nurse was a little bit too slow. 

He has a bigger plan for everything, he sees all things and only allows things to happen that are a part of his plan. If it’s my baby’s time to pass, heaven forbid, it would be because of God’s greater plan, not due to some technicality or “what if” that messed up God’s plan.

I’ve known people close to me who have had devastating losses, and there is no “what if” that could have prevented it. There is nothing that they did wrong to deserve it and nothing they could have done to prevent it. It’s all a part of God’s mysterious plan, and I know God’s heart breaks for and with them in it, as do ours. All we can do is trust in our God, who is good, and who is completely and utterly in control.

The doctor pulled up an image of my baby on the ultrasound and assured me that everything was fine with no signs of injury from the fall. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Another realization from God washed over me: this child is pure gift. There was nothing that I did to deserve him and nothing I could do to preserve him in this. He is just a pure gift from God. I entrusted my children to the Lord once again and thanked him for them in a new way.

There is a certain freedom and beauty in the realizations that I am not in control and that I have done nothing to deserve the good things that I have. Because that also means that I can't do anything to accidentally mess up God's plan either. I can just breathe a sigh of relief and surrender myself to God's mercy and good plan.

“The mother was especially admirable and worthy of honorable memory. Though she saw her seven sons perish within a single day, she bore it with good courage because of her hope in the Lord. She encouraged each of them in the language of their fathers. Filled with a noble spirit, she fired her woman’s reasoning with a man’s courage, and said to them, ‘I do not know how you came into being in my womb. It was not I who gave you life and breath, nor I who set in order the elements within each of you. Therefore the Creator of the world, who shaped the beginning of man and devised the origin of all things, will in his mercy give life and breath back to you again...’” - 2 Maccabees 7:20-23 (RSVCE)