Submission as a Response to Love: Ephesians 5

Ephesians 5 is a controversial and challenging passage.  Some are adamant that it proves that the husband is the leader of the family and has authority over his wife.  Others disagree citing the mutual submission line (verse 21).  A common worry is that it gives husbands ultimate authority over their wives and their wives’ bodies.  I have encountered people who used this passage to justify demanding sex from their wives whenever and however the husband desired.  Clearly this is wrong and can amount to basically marital rape (at very least it is treating one’s spouse as an object for pleasure, see JPII’s Love and Responsibility for a detailed account of this).  I have also seen feminist theologians point to this abuse of Ephesians 5 (the people who use it to wrongly justify marital rape) and so conclude that Paul cannot be trusted and therefore they throw out parts of scripture.  I would like to examine the passage more closely and use another passage from Paul’s writings to shine some light on what is actually going on here. 

First, this passage is mainly about the relationship of Christ and the Church, Paul is clear that the spousal commands stem from the relationship of Christ to the Church.  Therefore, we can look at other passages concerning the relationship of Christ and the Church to shed light on what the spousal relationship should be (since that relationship is being elucidated based on the relationship of Jesus to His Church). 

The passage that I think will help us have a good reading of Ephesians 5 (a reading that cannot be abused) is Romans 5:8, “But God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.”  This verse points out that God’s love for us in unconditional.  He chooses to love us and die for us to redeem us while we were still living in sin. 

In fact, this is the only possible way things could have happened.  The reality of sin is that it is beyond our power to overcome sin.  We could not redeem ourselves, God had to redeem us.  And since we would still be unredeemed sinners until we were redeemed, God would have to love us and redeem us while we were still sinners (you can only save people who need saving).  By our redemption, we can become part of the Church and members of Christ’s Body. 

So, the relationship that we have with Christ, the spousal relationship we have with Him as members of the Church (members of His Body), is the direct result of His love for us.  God loved us and laid down His life for us, purifying us, before we were members of His Body.  It is that act that enabled us to become members of His Body. 

Our submission to Christ as members of His Body is a subsequent act that follows from Him loving us and laying down His life for us.  Thus, following the analogy, the wife’s submission to her husband is a subsequent act following from the husband’s act of laying down his life for her. 

Relationally this makes sense.  First, it absolutely excludes a selfish husband from using his headship authority to claim sexual rights over his wife.  Because in such a case he is NOT laying down his life for his spouse, quite the opposite actually.  The sexual union, being a total and reciprocal gift of self, cannot be forced by definition (rape is not real sex, it’s a twisted adnomination of sex).  Secondly, the submission of a wife to her husband (being a unique form of submission since they are married) can only come from a truly loving relationship between the two of them.  The natural response to love is to return love.  A wife’s submission to her husband is a form of love, a unique form of marital love.  So, it can only be a response to love extended to her from her husband. 

Paul is not telling wives to suck it up and do whatever their husbands tell them to do.  Instead, he is telling them to model their love for their husbands after our love for Christ, He redeemed us and so we lovingly submit to Him knowing that He will never abuse us.  Additionally, Paul is telling husbands to model their love for their wives after Christ’s love for us, to love their wives even before they receive love in return.  By modelling the husband’s role after Christ, Paul is telling husbands to be the initiators in their relationships (boys traditionally ask the girl out…) and love their wives regardless of how their wives return that love (for Christ died for all, not only for those of us who love Him in return). 

Another passage from Paul that confirms this reading of Ephesians 5 is Colossians 1:15-26.  Paul begins this passage by describing our redemption by God, by Jesus’s blood we are redeemed.  Then Paul continues to say that Christ is the head of the body that is the Church (His Body), since He was the first to rise from the dead.  It is His resurrection that made possible our resurrection from sin into life in His Body.  Then Paul again says that it was by Christ’s death that we were redeemed.  Paul immediately says, “but that means that you must be true to your faith, grounded in it, firmly established in it; nothing must shift you away from the hope you found in the gospel you once listened to” (1:23).  So, Paul clearly says that it is our response to God’s saving work that we remain faithful to Him.  Our faithfulness to God is our response to His work. 

Next, in verse 24 Paul says, “now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of His body, that is, the Church.”  This also is part of Paul’s response to the saving action of Jesus.  Because Jesus suffered and died willingly to redeem us, Paul will suffer (and eventually die) for the sake of Christ and His Church (of which Paul is a member).  Keeping with the analogy in Ephesians 5, the wife’s submission to her husband in response to his sacrificial love ought to be a happy affair.  Clearly suffering is always difficult (as is sacrificial love), yet Paul rejoices in His sufferings, because they have been given meaning by Christ’s saving work.  So too, the love and sacrifices of one spouse for another, while remaining at times a very difficult thing, have been given new meaning from Christ’s acts (in keeping with the analogy in Ephesians 5), and thus even the suffering that comes with marriage can be rejoiced in.