Time For Another Crusade Against The Saracen?

We've been hearing a lot lately about "occupation" of lands by people who got there last Tuesday and want to erase the memory of the former owners. Where do we as Catholics fit into that debate?

Ignoring the fact that history is one long parade of conquest, occupation, reconquest (think Spain), etc, if we're talking about the Middle East, Abraham, Father of Judaism, got to the modern day land of Israel in about 1855BC. The Moslems took Jerusalem around 635AD, or almost 2500 years later. So Islam and Jerusalem? Basically squatters.

But who had the joint right before Islam and who would have it on and off after that? That's right, us Catholics. 

That's why when we hear Bolsheviks and Islamists whinge about the Crusades they neglect to mention the Catholic armies sent by Urban II were launching, in time-honored fashion, a defensive operation to take back their own land.

Ok, easy history. What does that mean for today? Perhaps, given the state of the Middle East and its vital resources, not to mention the state of Catholics in Moslem regimes, we should launch another pope-backed Crusade against the Saracens post haste.

No, not against everyone. Just selected annoying regimes. Iran, Yemen, and Syria come to mind. Maybe Turkey for the plain sport of it.

You could say, we kinda tried that in Iraq and Afghanistan and look what happened. Good point. But, did we really try?

Oh sure, we sent the troops and all. But no papal blessing and we went in with silly ideas about exporting democracy to authoritarian theocracies. Yeah, I know, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Instead this time, we do naked aggression in the name of the Holy Father. Well yeah, we're going to have to wait for another pope, as this guy would likely launch a crusade against us. However, if we get a nice Italian next time around, a guy susceptible to some Vatican renovations courtesy of ExxonMobil, we could be planting the papal flag in Teheran in three shakes of a crozier. Our troops could even stop along the way and sack Istanbul to give the whole thing a retro vibe.

Granted, there may be some pushback from the regimes we plan to bring the light of Rome to, the missionary program staffed by lots of Shell and BP engineers on a work vacation. But given the Islamist tendency to talk big and carry a miniscule stick, we can send a platoon of the Wisconsin National Guard to sort them before dinnertime. 

Yes, a bit of folly this. Nevertheless, would the people currently under the lash of the aforementioned hideous Islamist butchers be better off with the status quo or papal rule? The answer is obviously tilted heavily towards Rome. The tricky, yet fun, bit would the execution of said Crusade. Baldwin of Boulogne, call your office.