Sleeping Single

Unequivocally, I sleep better alone.  After almost 6 years of marriage, one might think I would have acclimated to sleeping beside someone better than I have, but I remain a solitary sleeper in order to get a good night’s sleep.  For one thing, I have always been easily startled.  With very little provocation, my muscle reaction kicks into a fight or fight response.  I always fear waking up in a similar fashion to Jackman’s character of the Wolverine in X-Men Origins (minus the claws) when he jabs at the bed, narrowly missing his partner.  Though the result may not be impaling her, I nevertheless hate thinking that I may end up causing my wife to innocently wake up with a black eye.  Overdeveloped reaction aside, though, a more practical reason for my discomfort in resting close to another person is raw practice.  Through a series of jobs and circumstances, 6 years of marriage has not provided me with the practice of resting close to another human being that other couples might have in the normal course of events.  A recent discussion I heard on the radio suggests that my propensity for more restful sleep alone is a more common phenomenon than I would have otherwise believed, and got me to thinking: why is it so important for married couples to sleep together?

My wife and I recently met up in a nice, quiet, small hotel on the edge of a small town.  Though it was so wonderful to see her, I ended up throwing in the towel on the sleep front one night around 3:15 AM and found myself reading to pass the time, finally deciding to catch the morning show on the small country radio station before they began playing 90’s country.  I heaved my tired body into the driver’s seat, determined to find some coffee for my waking wife and I at the McDonald’s down the street, lamenting my restless night and wondering if I would ever sleep restfully in a shared bed.  To my surprise, the radio featured a discussion on the rising habit modern couples are engaged in apparently: sleeping alone, either in their own rooms or in a shared room.  Their rationale was simple.  Usually, the phrase “sleeping together” has a specific sexual connotation to it.  But 90% of the time spent in bed is actual sleeping - it’s not like couples constantly spend all night in marital activities.  To this end, couples (loosely termed, including both married and casual daters) are apparently more and more returning to a style of sleep we associate with 1940’s Hollywood: each with their own bed for sleeping, and an assumed joining for marital activities.  

One might assume that I would hear this conversation with elements of solidarity that I was not alone in my sleeping struggles and joy that there seemed to be a practical solution commonly accepted among couples.  My reaction could not have been further from this assumption.  My tired brain could not at first determine why I heard this discussion with disgust, horror, and rejection: it seemed like such a simple solution to a common problem.  All I knew at the time was that I fully rejected this sentiment, both on its proposal and execution.  I returned to the hotel room, coffee in hand, and asked my wife what she thought of the conversation I had heard.  And, true to form, she readily proffered an articulated reason for the reaction I knew we would both share.  

The proposed solution of readily accepting as the norm sleeping together reduces the marriage bed to yet another avenue of utility, reflective of the growing utilitarian attitude in the American culture.  The assumption that married couples sleep together just to make their conjugal union convenient (or, simply to make drifting off to sleep afterwards seamless) is an affront to the self control and communication of the spouses, as well as seeing the marriage bed as a convenience, an amplifier and mere companion to the pleasure of the couples - almost as if the bed were an addition or added perk at an all-inclusive stay.  

In truth, the marital act can never be fully separated from the concept of the marriage bed, and expounding upon this aspect of couples sleeping together is beyond this article.  However, the marital act is no more the only reason for couples sleeping together any more than having children is the only reason for marriage, integral and necessary as it might be.  One very important reason why it is important for couples to sleep together even at the temporary cost of sleeping restlessly is to orient their lives towards each other at a very fundamental level.  It causes the couple to deal with each other at their most vulnerable time, introduces a level of pervasiveness into each other’s lives aimed at complete integration, and has many documented health and chemically unifying elements.  None of this matters or makes sense, however, in a relationship not intended or oriented towards permanence and fidelity.  Without understanding that a marriage is aimed at lifelong commitment to the other in every aspect of their life and not mere license for conjugal union, sleeping alone in a 1940’s Hollywood style is indeed an acceptable solution to the practical problem of individual sleep.  For my part, I pray that my individual needs will become more and more incorporated and eclipsed by the needs, benefits, and blessings of a life lived together with my wife.