Gossip: Poisoning the Well of Love

Over the last twenty-one days, I’ve become especially aware of a bad habit I’ve developed of gossiping. Rather than confronting those who did things that upset or hurt me directly, I spoke about them rather than to them.

“Being filled with all iniquity, malice, fornication, avarice, wickedness, fully of envy, murder, contention, deceit, malignity, whispers, detractors, hateful to God, contumelious, proud, haughty, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, foolish, dissolute, without affection, without fidelity, without mercy. Who, having known the justice of God, did not understand that they who do such things, are worthy of death; and not only they that do them, but they also that consent to them that do them.” – 1 Romans 29-32

Whisperers are gossipers, those who say things in quiet because they lack the courage to say them out loud. Even when what is said is true, and therefore not slander but instead is detraction, it is still harmful to our relationships to approach things this way.

Poisoning the Well of Love

It’s easy to see why slander is wrong. Slander spreads false testimony about the character of another person. It’s a direct violation of the eighth commandment: “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

Slander can prevent someone from getting a job, cause harm to a marriage, or even lead to someone being wrongly convicted of a crime they did not commit. It’s not hard to see the damage that is done with slander.

Gossip weaponizes the truth, turning it into a poison that gets dumped into the well of love. What we say may be the truth, but the people we speak this truth to 1) have no need of knowing it; 2) are not helped by it in any way; 3) are not capable of doing anything to improve the situation; 4) do not know the person and have not been directly impacted by their negative behaviors.

When we engage in detraction, such as this, we poison the well of love by negatively impacting how they will see this person that we’re gossiping about before they even have a chance to meet them. We’re trying to recruit them into our army of supporters in our war against this person by sharing all the negative experiences we’ve had with them without them being given a chance to testify on their own behalf!

Everyone needs love and belonging. Those things are the waters of life, giving our lives purpose and meaning. Everyone needs a chance to be loved and to be long, but when someone comes out in advance of us to spread negative things about us, we’re going to have an uphill battle to receive those things because people’s opinions are already shaped against us.

It damages the one who pours their bitterness into that well, along with all those who drink of that bitterness by receiving it. No one benefits from gossip.

Preventing Gossip

It’s easy to engage in gossip when we’ve been hurt by something done to us, especially when we don’t feel we can talk directly to the person who hurt us about what our problems are with their behavior. This can happen when they appear to either outright ignore or trivialize our pain when it’s brought to their attention.

However, gossip solves no problems. It doesn’t resolve the issues or remedy the complaints. Instead, it spreads the pain to other people and multiplies the problems. It victimizes those who receive the gossip, along with  you, and makes them a party to a situation that did not involve them.

Gossip arises out of pain and frustration over people’s negative behavior. It’s a human answer to a relationship problem.

Rather than gossip about the pain or the problem, we need to pray over the person and the situation, asking God’s help in resolving it.

1.   If I find myself tempted to share with others an event that occurred in private, I need to pray about it first. Why do I feel the need to share it? What am I hoping to gain from it? Will the people I am tempted to share it with be helped in their efforts to grow closer to Christ by what I share?

2.   Ask for the grace to operate out of a sincere love for and desire to help one another grow closer to Christ.

3.   Follow Christ’s recommendations for handling the situation:

    a) First, go in private to the person who offended me and explain to them, with God’s help, how what they did impacted me and what I would prefer they do going forward.

    b) If they will not listen, seek Godly counsel from someone else who knows them and cares about them and who wants what is best for both of us. Ask them to join the conversation between the two of you as an objective witness.

    c) If this does not resolve the situation, go to the Church, namely get an appointment with the priest or deacon.

    d) If that still does not work, treat them as  you would an unbeliever – with courtesy and as being someone in need of training.

Making Ourselves an Instrument of the Devil

Gossip is an immature way to resolve disputes and conflicts. It must be guarded against at all costs for risk of destroying the connections we are striving to build.

When we engage in gossip, whether it is slander or detraction, we are giving the devil permission to use as a pawn in his war against Christ and all those who believe in Him. It will end up disturbing our peace and undermining our efforts to succeed in every area of life.

Bringing Our Cares to Others Without Engaging in Gossip

1)   Focus on the behavior – not the person who engaged in it.

2)   Describe the behavior without mentioning the name attached to it and ask: “Is this normal behavior” or “Is this acceptable behavior?”

3)   If the other person confirms that this is not normal or acceptable behavior, seek counsel in how to handle it should it happen again.

4)   If it is normal or acceptable, seek counsel in helping you understand why it troubled, hurt, or offended you. Ask God for the grace to see your error and to correct it.

A note on point number 4: If you are troubled or offended by normal or acceptable behavior, this can be an indication that you are being influenced by a demonic spirit. In my next article, I'll speak more about this and in how to handle it.