Timeless Heaven

Dear Father,

I’m having trouble sleeping tonight though I usually sleep pretty well. I’m restless. God has been giving me grace upon grace upon grace. God wants me to be holy. Can I? It’s almost scary. I finally fell asleep saying the Rosary.

I went through a time which lasted a year and a half to two years that I call my “dark night of the soul.” Much of it is a blur while some of it is too vivid. I think it was around the time that you were at the parish as a temporary deacon. I don’t remember you being here before. I was probably not going to Mass at all but God called me back and I accepted his grace.

Tonight I almost didn’t go to the class on the Holy Trinity because Luke was presenting and not you. I foolishly thought, “Luke is young. What does he know?” But when I saw Luke come into the annex after the Rosary I said, “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be teaching a class.” He answered, “I came to get my stuff!” And I realized I didn’t want to miss his presentation on the Holy Trinity.

Luke did very well. It was good. I loved one of his first lines regarding the Trinity. “There’s not a lot to say but a lot to think about.” Wow, so true. And I listened quietly, taking my notes until I saw this on the screen. “The Trinity is difficult to understand.” I raised my hand and asked if I could say something about this statement. Luke agreed. I said, “If I say something wrong, Luke, please correct me.” I spoke with passion, “the Trinity is not difficult to understand, the Trinity is impossible to understand. We cannot! Our human minds cannot comprehend the mystery of the Trinity yet we believe. Our faith and trust in God makes it easy to believe in the beauty of the Trinity. We believe in the three separately, we love them separately, we pray to them separately and that’s okay because we know that in reality there’s only one God and when we die we’ll understand immediately. God demands us to have faith and not to try so hard to figure out the mystery.” I stopped talking. Luke said almost apologetically, “But I have to explain them each.” Then I apologized to him and said, “I know. That’s okay. I wasn’t trying to correct you. I just wanted to share my thoughts.” And Luke continued.

One thing that stands out in my mind is Luke a description of the Trinity as The Lover which is God the Father. The Beloved which is God the Son. And the Love which is the Holy Spirit. I don’t think I’ve heard this before but it is so perfect. This was one of the thoughts in my head that kept me from sleeping soundly.

Another reason I couldn’t sleep is because I was remembering joy and peace. My Love, the Holy Spirit, comes to me without warning. I never know when this will happen. I can’t make it happen by practicing Lectio Divina. The coming of the Holy Spirit to me is always a happy surprise. The Holy Spirit came to me during our Rosary for the unborn. I was sadly pondering even as we were saying the Rosary, tiny little lives being taken or mothers either struggling with this decision or have made the decision to let their unborn babies be destroyed, never giving birth to them. Sometime during the Rosary the Holy Spirit came to me and held me captive ever so briefly. I had to let one or two Hail Mary’s slip by because when the Holy Spirit wants me, it’s his time, as I experience timeless heaven with great joy. How my God spoils me. How my God loves me.

When my beloved Jesus brought me back to him about 3 or 4 years ago, I promised never to let him go again. I asked for his help with this. I asked him to break my heart every day for love of him and he does. I asked Him to help me mediate on every aspect of his passion and crucifixion. I asked Him to let me think of the Crucifixion every day of my life and please not to let me forget it not even for a day. Jesus helps me remember his Crucifixion, always giving me something new to think about.

Father, you told us that in his suffering Christ gave everything to us. He was not even covered with a loin cloth during His passion and death. This is something I would never let myself consider or believe but there it was out in the open.