I grew up in a conservative Catholic home, so there was always the expectation that I’d have a big white wedding with all my family and friends. At first, I was too scared to buck tradition. I went through the motions of planning the wedding and dreading it. As we reached those final months, my life became a countdown of how to prepare for this event.

There was also the looming shadow of the abusive relationship with my parents. Navigating this relationship was causing me so much stress that I was seeing my therapist in tears every week as I approached our wedding.

While trying to prepare for this life-changing sacrament, my fiancee and I stopped preparing for the sacrament. Our lives became about strategically planning to put out as many fires as we could. When I had an emotional and physical breakdown thinking that my family wouldn't love me if I didn't have the perfect wedding, it was the final straw.

My fiancee and I had real heart-to-hearts and took up the issue with our pastor, my spiritual director, and my therapist. We wanted to elope but didn’t think it could be that simple.

Turns out that we were asking the wrong question. Why couldn’t it be that easy?

The week after Thanksgiving, we called family and friends to tell them the news. Instead of having a large wedding, we were going to have a wedding Mass with just a priest and two witnesses at our parish. 

And we did.

Why Elope?

There is a preconceived notion that Catholic weddings “must” be celebrated in a large ceremony. Canon Law clearly outlines that as long as you follow religious and legal requirements, there isn’t a rule that bars eloping. It may not be conventional, but it doesn’t make it wrong.

Marriage starts the day after the wedding when you live as husband and wife. Every marriage prep meeting involves preparing, not for a random wedding date, but for the trials ahead.

Eloping is an option even for Catholics, and your private ceremony will not destroy the foundation on which your marriage is built. Plus, studies show that the cheaper the wedding, the more likely you are to stay married.

But What About Others?

I struggled for a while about hurting people's feelings. After all, the focus for weddings is on family. As those wiser than I said, eloping should not ultimately affect your relationship with them. If they love you, it shouldn’t matter. 

Weddings in and of themselves are pretty ‘selfish’ events. The entire day is centered around the couple, and people are supposed to spend the whole day celebrating and buying them expensive gifts. Eloping is a different kind of ‘selfishness’. You are reclaiming the sacrament as a prayerful holy day.

I thought I would lose the love and trust of my family by canceling our wedding, but the outpouring of support and love made me feel just the opposite. 

After our wedding, we visited family members and celebrated with them. It was a little sad, but those conversations were more meaningful than having them at the wedding. Our relationships with our closest friends and family were strengthened by our decision to elope. 

Why The Big Celebration? 

In our wedding sermon, our pastor stated, "Marriage is a union of two souls. Just like in the garden of Eden, man and woman come before God, and that alone is enough."

Your wedding shouldn't be the happiest day of your life. Hopefully, your marriage will span several decades with much in between. The focus should always be on growing a stronger, holier relationship with your spouse. Whether you can begin day one of your marriage focused on a large wedding, or if you need something small, the focus should always be on the sacrament.

Everyone should know their personality and assess their relationship before committing to either a small or large wedding. It takes three to make a marriage; as long as you do not lose sight of the sacrament and place your marriage before your wedding, you can be assured that your marriage will begin as God intended.