Loving God: The Six Stages

When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are “born again” (John 3:3) and become “children of God” (1 John 3:1). I really like this analogy between the spiritual and natural childhood. The similarities between the two are quite striking when it comes to our love for God and a child’s love for parents.

Children go through different stages of development on their way to adulthood. In each stage, a child’s love is limited by their knowledge, understanding and self-control. Each stage of development also brings different needs, interests and challenges. So, it makes sense that children love their parents in different ways and for different reasons in each stage of development.

As spiritual children, our love for God can go through stages of development similar to the stages of natural childhood. Knowledge, understanding and self-control can govern how a person loves God. Needs, desires, interests and cares of the world also influence love for God. By comparing our love for God to a child’s love for their parents in each stage of development, we can determine our level of spiritual maturity and what we need to do to grow our love for God.

Newborn

Parents and children have a natural love and devotion to each other from the beginning, even before birth. This special love is a gift from God, which draws the family together. There is no human explanation for this love and no logical reason for it. Parents love their child regardless of the discomfort, pain and inconvenience the child has caused before and during birth. The child is drawn to the parents even without really knowing or understanding the parents. Parents give their child the free gift of life and call the child to lovingly share in their own life. The child’s first step in loving their parents is to respond to that free gift of life.

Before we are born, God loves us and calls us to Himself. “God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength...He invites men to become, in the Holy Spirit, his adopted children and thus heirs of his blessed life.” (Catechism, 1) God offers the free gift of eternal life, even though we don’t deserve it because of our sins. Our first step is to respond to His gift of eternal life by giving our self to Jesus. We don’t really know God, but can begin to find out about Him and grow in love for Him.

Infant

The infant stage of love is based on secure attachment. Parents are the answer to all the infant’s problems. The infant merely has to cry and the parents jump into action. Whether the problem is hunger, thirst, discomfort or fear parents figure out the problem and fix it. An emotional bond develops and the infant feels love. When the parents are away, the infant becomes visibly upset. When the parents return, the infant becomes happy.

Infants are  limited in their ability to show love for parents. Cuddles, coos and smiles are the basic gestures of love and  affection. Infants don’t think about ways they might please their parents, nor the stress they cause their parents. If they did, they would roll over and go back to sleep at 3:00 AM so mommy wouldn’t be tired the next day. But infants love their parents the best they can. Parents are excited when their child shows token gestures of love. They understand it’s all they will get for the time being and there is hope things will get better.

The spiritual infant has an emotional attachment to God, the Giver of eternal life. The spiritual infant doesn’t really know God personally.  God is always near and He will “supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19) Hallelujah! Jesus is the answer to all my problems. Thank you Jesus!

The spiritual infant primarily displays love for God by attending church and giving thanks. But these are only token gestures similar to an infant’s cuddling, cooing and smiling. God’s needs are not considered. There is little thought about God’s feelings and how sinful actions cause Him pain and suffering every day. Jesus is patient with us when we first come to Him; but this is not where He wants us. His desire is we “come to the full knowledge of God” (1 Timothy 2:4) and deepen our love for Him.

Toddler

The toddler stage can be summed up in two words...”terrible twos”. During the terrible twos, the child’s world is changing and the child doesn’t know how to handle it. Whereas the basic necessities of life used to be enough, now the toddler wants more. Conflict arises because the child doesn’t understand why the parents will not let them touch the stove, eat the candy or have that other child’s toy. Parents are supposed to say “yes” to everything; but now it’s “no” sometimes. Parents have always cuddled and loved, but now there is guidance and correction at times. The toddler doesn’t understand what is happening or how to handle the situation, so they get frustrated. Having little emotional control and knowing of no other solution, they become angry and turn into Attila the Hun.

The spiritual toddler is vulnerable to anger at God. The problem begins when eternal life is no longer enough. Worldly cares and desires begin to take hold. Jesus is NOT the answer to all the problems. God could rain down all the blessings and keep bad things from happening, but He doesn’t. So now, everything is God’s fault. The spiritual toddler doesn’t understand what God is doing and is not spiritually mature enough to accept all things in faith. Anger can rise up, leading to a spiritual temper tantrum.

Spiritual temper tantrums can last years or even a lifetime. There is no benefit to becoming angry at God, as it only serves to separate us from His love. Not that He stops loving us, but that we turn away from His love. “Don’t give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble.” (Psalm 37:8)

Student

The elementary years are a very busy time of life. Children have many priorities that tend to distract them from showing love for their parents. Education, sports, activities, entertainment and friends all take up valuable time. Parents get whatever time is left over, if there is any. Parents are loved and family time is nice, but personal interests are preferred.

During this time, parents introduce new dimensions to the child/parent relationship...responsibility and obedience. Children don’t usually see any value to rules and chores. Obedience is mostly a means to avoid punishment and not considered an act of love towards parents. Many children of this age push the envelope of obedience to do what they must and get away with what they can. Parents are supposed to provide and protect, not interfere with interests and desires. The student can be rebellious at times because they want to think independently and “do their own thing”. They tend to “interpret” parental rules, find loopholes or make up their own rules to justify their actions.

This is the most common stage for a Christian to become stuck. Life brings responsibilities that can’t be neglected. But after that, priorities are out of order...God comes last. Rest, relaxation and entertainment are above God. After taking “well deserved” time for oneself, there is no time left for daily prayer or service to God. A token hour of worship each week might be all one can afford to give God. The spiritual student does not concern themself about spending time with/for God. They trust God will always be there with His love, forgiveness and mercy. Eternal life is guaranteed by faith alone.

Disobedience to God in this stage is common. What is unfortunate is the spiritual student often doesn’t recognize their disobedience because they find ways to convince themself they are right. They “interpret” Scripture or find a specific verse they think justifies their actions or they just make up their own rules about God. They believe God is supposed to provide and protect, not interfere with interests and desires. They obey God “just enough” to ensure their eternal life.

To pass through this stage is part of spiritual development. To remain in this stage is a sign of selfishness and pride, because one is seeking to elevate themself and their desires above God. “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide.” (Philippians 2:3) Giving God little of one’s time and saying "it’s enough" or justifying one’s lifestyle with no regard for what God really wants is dangerous. Jesus clearly tells us, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father in Heaven.” (Matthew 7:21) How do we know the will of God? By developing knowledge of Him and a personal relationship that goes well beyond "attending" church or being a good person. It is only through a personal and intimate relationship with God that we can know and understand what He really wants from us.

For those who struggle to grow out of this stage, the Apostle Peter has great advice. Follow it systematically, one step at a time. “Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with devotion, devotion with mutual affection, mutual affection with love. If these are yours and increase in abundance, they will keep you from being idle or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. Anyone who lacks them is blind and shortsighted, forgetful of the cleansing of his past sins.” (2 Peter 1:5-9)

Adolescent

Adolescence is a time of searching, questioning and discovery. It can also be a time of confusion. The “trying teens” are the sequel to the “terrible twos”. But this time, the conflict comes from within. Adolescence is the child standing on the stage of Let’s Make a Deal and wracking their brain trying to decide which door to choose. Everything is put to the test: identity, morality, independence, authority, relationships, etc. What makes things most difficult is the child believes they must come up with the answers on their own. Or, if they do look for advice it is often from friends, who are also searching, rather than parents.

Prior to adolescence, children put complete trust in their parents. Teenagers become skeptical and want to prove the truth for themselves by their own knowledge. Six times, my wife and I transformed from being intelligent people to the dumbest people on the planet as each of our children went through those "trying teen" years.

Parents who know better understand their children must, at some point, question life. Children who are becoming adults need to understand themself and decide who they really are and who they want to be. This can be a frustrating time for both parents and adolescents. Loving parents stick with their children and do their best to provide guidance where they are allowed. They continue to offer love and hope for the best. Adolescents must make decisions in this critical stage of life that can greatly influence their future.

Spiritual adolescence is a critical and often necessary stage of spiritual development. This is the stage where “faith will be like gold that has been tested in a fire.” (1 Peter 1:7)  This is the same test of fire given to Adam and Eve, who decided not to trust, but seek to know. They did not walk by faith, which is “the assurance of what we hope for and certainty of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). The spiritual adolescent wants to know. They want answers to questions like...“Does God really exist?”...“Does God really love me?”...“Why should I follow the Catholic Church?”...etc.

Asking these kinds of questions is not a weakness of faith nor a sin. The Church teaches, "Faith seeks understanding. It is intrinsic to faith that a believer desires to know better the One in whom he has put his faith, and to understand better what He has revealed; a more penetrating knowledge will in turn call forth a greater faith, increasingly set afire by love.” (Catechism, 158) The Church also teaches, “faith is not opposed to reason.” (Catechism, 35) It is almost inevitable that faith will be questioned. This is the door to spiritual maturity.

This is not, however, a time to go it alone or ask other spiritual adolescents for advice. It is not a time for YouTube searches to find the answer. There are too many opinions and false teachings that can lead one astray. A trusted spiritual advisor is needed; one who is known as being spiritually mature and having a deep love for God.

The Command to Love God

A scribe asked Jesus which was the first of all the commandments. Jesus replied by quoting Deuteronomy 6:4-5, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” God gave this commandment to Moses immediately after He gave the Ten Commandments (Deuteronomy 5:7-21). God made it clear this was the greatest of all commandments, “Take to heart these words which I command you today. Keep repeating them to your children. Recite them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) Why was this commandment so important?

Having just received the Ten Commandments, the Israelites could have easily perceived God as merely a stern lawgiver, waiting to punish sins and rebellion. They may have, like most children, been obedient just enough to keep God happy and avoid punishment. Maybe, they would keep the Ten Commandments and see what else they could get away with. God knew the Israelites needed to know Him and understand what He really wanted.

God gave the Israelites this command to make sure they understood He did not want their blind obedience, but their love. All their actions were to be driven by love for God and not for obedience to the letter of the law. God commanded them to take this to heart and repeat it day and night, until they never forgot the most important thing they could do was love God. The Lord our God, the Lord is one! God is not divided and love for God should not be divided with anything else.

Fullness of Love for God

Lets break down Deuteronomy 6:5 in order to understand how we can set aside childish ways of love to be spiritually mature in love for God, as He commands us.

Love the Lord with all your heart. This is not an emotional love, as we tend to think. The Hebrews associated the heart with the mind and will (Strongs Hebrew, 3824). “My heart is set on keeping your decrees to the very end.” (Psalm 119:112) Having our heart set on something means we have thought about it, decided we want it and are committed to obtaining it. There is an expression which describes a person who doesn’t fully commit to a task: “his/her heart was just not in it.” They didn’t give the task their best effort and just went through the motions to get the job done. There was no sense of pride or delight in a job well done. To love God with all our heart means we are fully committed to God, give Him our best, set our mind on pleasing Him and take delight in Him at all times. “In your statutes I take delight; I will never forget your word. “ (Psalm 119:16)

Love the Lord with all your soul. We tend to think of the soul as an entity distinct from the body. The Hebrews had a different view. To them, the soul was the entire person, the whole living being. This included desires, appetites, passions and emotions (Strongs Hebrew, 5315). To love God with all our soul means we desire God, hunger for God, thirst for God and draw near to Him passionately. Our whole living being, with every breath, seeks God.

Love the Lord with all your strength. Well, here we go again. Strength, in this verse, is not what you think. It is not power or force. The Hebrew word used in Deuteronomy 6:5 actually means exceedingly or abundantly to a great degree (Strongs Hebrew, 3966).  There is word in Hebrew that translates to strength, but this is not it. The Hebrew word in this verse has no English equivalent, but “strength” or “might” is close enough. To love God with all our strength actually means we give to God everything: possessions, resources, time, talent and treasures. We hold nothing back from Him.

Additional Thoughts

Each part of Deuteronomy 6:5 takes our love for God to a higher level. First, we love God in our heart by giving our thoughts and desires to Him. Then, we love God in our soul by giving Him our very being. Finally, we love God with our strength by giving Him everything we have. This is a tall order. But isn’t the almighty God, Creator of all things and our Savior, worth it? Aren’t we His poor creatures and He our Lord?

Loving God this way may seem unobtainable, given our human weaknesses. And yes, we likely will fail at times. Nobody is perfect. But loving God with all our being also means giving Him our failures. As we let God show us how to handle failure, and we continue to seek Him with all our heart, we grow out of spiritual childhood. Our love for God becomes full and complete, allowing us to be united with Him.

Here is the secret to loving God. We are humanly incapable of loving God to such a great degree, so we rely on God. We first believe that God really does love us in the exact way He wants us to love Him (See God Really Does Love You on the Catholic Paths website). We open our self up to His love and accept the abundance of His love. Then, we simply return the abundance of His love back to Him. We do this by seeking first the Kingdom of God and by passing on the love God gave us to others.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside childish ways." (1 Corinthians 13:11) Let us put aside childish ways of loving God and love Him completely and fully, as He commands and deserves.

This article is available for free download on the  Catholic Paths website.