The Multi-Generational Domestic Church

The Multigenerational Domestic Church

There is a lot that can be said about the benefits of multi-generational living and trying to establish or sustain a domestic church. Domestic church is a Christian term that is used to define the family. In it expenses may be shared, there is built in childcare and the solace of keeping closer tabs on aging parents. Bonding with grandkids is one of the greatest joys. The elders have much to offer in both wisdom and experience to the younger members of the family.

This generation of families have schedules that their parents can only gape at and wonder what is lost or gained by so much running from one activity to another. When they are home at mealtime it’s food and TV but not a whole lot of sharing.

A multigenerational household has its perks which are only achieved through communication and a willingness to compromise. Otherwise, the parents moving in may feel more like boarders rather than family. Granted everything changes for everyone involved. Now all must learn to share space without getting in each other’s way. Meal preparation can be challenging because the elders are more set in their ways and may have special dietary needs or preferences.  Having downsized from a home full of memories and cherished items they find that they have given up a lot of what was familiar and comfortable collected over a lifetime, with not enough room for their “treasures”. They will likely experience some mourning over these losses. Their children may not recognize these feelings and dismiss them as trivial attachments. This condescending attitude can be hurtful. 

This is a big adjustment for both generations. Bringing your parents into the home feels like an invasion of your domain and there is anxiety over whether the parents will treat their adult children as children. It is very important to always speak respectfully to each other forgetting your former subordinate role. Parents may complain about the noise level of the family so even the children may have to adjust their voices and play.

As we age our energy ebbs but there is still a willingness to be helpful and useful. No one wants to be put on a shelf. Therefore, a family meeting may be needed to establish a division of labor commensurate with age and ability. This would be good to do before the move takes place. The dynamics of any organization changes when there is a merger, so responsibilities need to be clear. This includes discussing what happens around holiday customs. It’s a bit like newlyweds trying to navigate what was special from their separate family traditions. The holidays can be made more stressful by this oversight in communication. Grandparents also need to understand and enforce the house rules with the grandkids.

Most people in the previous generation had very different experiences around mealtime. Supper was the pause in the day’s occupations and a time to create memories. Much family bonding occurred around a noisy supper table.

Everyone was expected to be present and to be on time because mom was not a short order cook, and her work should be respected. This was likely the only communal meal of the day and was a great opportunity for everyone to report in about the ups and downs of the day, starting with prayer and a myriad of questions about life, family history, current events or anything else were an opportunity to be heard and taught values from life’s reality. In those days families challenged each other in an environment where they felt safe and loved learning early how important it is to never damage the family name by public misbehavior. When grandparents move in, they expect to see this tradition carried on. They see this part of the Domestic Church as the family classroom for learning values, manners, and how to converse respectfully.

Was it always an episode of the Waltons? NO Way! Arguments, name-calling, temper tantrums, spilled milk and stubborn behaviors were always on the menu, thus providing fodder for the next confession and lessons learned.

The family meal, especially on big holidays were filled with their own customs and rituals, not unlike going to Sunday Mass. There we gather with family and friends to share in the gospel accounts of our Catholic family’s history. We offer our tithe of thanksgiving along with the bread and wine.  When we receive the Eucharist, we become a little Tabernacle carrying Christ within us out into the secular world. God is in our body. Our tongues have been touched by God and should only speak kind words. Such a privilege and responsibility to act as a true brother of Jesus and to bring no shame upon our Catholic family by sinful behaviors. Being a Catholic is being a member of our spiritual family. Being Catholic is a cherished gift from God.

The family meal is one of the most important rituals in our domestic church. It is done in service to our Catholic Family. It isn’t just about food any more than Mass is about eating bread. It is about becoming what God made us to be. From both tables we are fed and sent forth to bring Jesus’ presence and love into every aspect of our lives. The family is the building block of every society. Societies are as strong and healthy as its families. Let us revive the family dinner.