40 Pounds Lighter – That Cross Can be Heavy

Are there days when you feel 40 pounds heavier than you actually weigh?  Before you stop reading this, give me a few minutes to explain what this has to do with why the title of this article sparked your interest.

Weight is not just how many pounds you’ve put on since college or a divorce or perhaps the genetics of your family.  Weight is also the past you carry, the mistakes you’ve made, or even the actions you took, which sounded great at the time, but which you would erase if you could.

This past week something triggered me to remember a time in my past.  A time when I was young and stupid and thought what I did only affected me.  The specific details of what happened during this time are mine and Jesus’ secrets to keep; however, I wanted to share some thoughts.

The Burden

I’ve held on to this weight for more than 40 years.  It’s always been there through good times and bad.  And I parked it in the back of my brain thinking if I just worked hard to forget it, I could make myself believe that it never happened.  But it did happen and no amount of ignoring it will make it go away.  No, it’s not what you might assume, and some would say that my secret is not all that terrible, but I and Jesus know better.

Although I know I am a good Catholic and love Jesus with all my heart, this “thing” of my past always haunted me.  And as much as I wanted to forget it, it weighed on me from time to time for the last 40 years.  Many would say that I always had the ability and good sense to do something about it.  And they wouldn’t be wrong.  But sometimes “young and stupid” trumps “older and wiser” when trying to avoid unpleasant or hurtful times in our past.

My “Come to Jesus” Decision

But this last Friday, “older and wiser” won out.  I spent the evening driving for hours lamenting how to make the “something” of my past go away, or at the very least forgive myself for the past I cannot change.  I reached out to a friend and without sharing the details, he said all the right things, and that it was time to get right with my heart and with Jesus who clearly already knew my failings of my past.  Lots of tears and 80 miles of driving that evening, I knew what I had to do.  And clearly it was something I could have done 40 years ago but refused to take on.  The shame that goes with it, the self-destruction, the unnecessary abandonment of my acknowledgement that if I had just gone to Jesus with these feelings, I could have left this all behind me.

I woke up Saturday morning and received a notice on my phone that I likely had a problem with my car tire.  Sure enough, it was flat.  I can convince myself that this was a sign that I carried this heavy weight, and I needed to let it go, like the tire let go of all its air overnight.  (During my evening drive, I picked up a metal piece which punctured the tire.)  So, after getting the tire repaired, it was time to repair me.  On Saturday afternoon, prior to our Sunday vigil mass, I decided to make my way to Confession at a neighboring parish.  (Making it a practice not to go to confession with the priests I work for at my home parish sounds right to me.)  That morning, I spent a lot of time deciding how to best talk about this failing to the priest.  I made notes, ensuring I didn’t forget anything.  I practiced out loud as I ran Saturday morning errands.  I had never said out loud to anyone what I needed to confess, let alone saying it to myself, but I was tired of carrying the weight of ‘that time’ in my life as a young woman, which needed fixing.

Not only did I need and want Jesus’ forgiveness, but I needed to forgive myself, and to let my past go and allow myself to enjoy the balance of my years on this earth, knowing that when I do have the opportunity to spend time with Jesus in heaven, it will be with a clear conscience.

Time to Let it Go

I watched the clock as it ticked away the minutes when I would get in my car and drive to the church where I would get right with Jesus.  I shouldn’t have been nervous, but I was.  Jesus already knew of my transgression.  He had already forgiven me.  But that wasn’t enough for me.  I had to do this.  I had to say the words.  I had to feel the pain which would allow me to feel the joy.  I had to do the hard part so I could feel Jesus arms around me when he said to me, “I have called you by name.  You are mine.”  I walked into the church.  There was one person ahead of me.  I knelt down and prayed for strength.  Then it was my turn.  I walked in, knelt down and began.  As I suspected, the tears came, and I could tell that the priest felt my pain.  But I said what I needed to say.  And then, it finally happened.  The priest said the words I needed to hear.  “Your sins are forgiven.” I was free of my past.  I prayed my penance, and I left. 

Breathing Easier Now

I went home and waited until I needed to leave for the Sunday vigil mass.  I arrived.  I felt a need to pray a rosary, thanking Jesus for his gifting me the strength to get me through this scary day.  Honestly, I felt 40 pounds lighter, for every year I held onto that heavy burden.  It was strange, but wonderful.  Everyone at mass seemed so different, so much happier.  Or maybe they weren’t.  Maybe it was just me who saw them differently.  I found myself paying much more attention to every word at Mass, more than I used to.   Today is Sunday and I feel like I want to take on things that always seemed like too much work.

This freedom has allowed me to love Jesus even more than I did before, if that is even possible.  I thank my friend for that soft push I needed and, of course, I thank our Lord.

If you feel like you need to lose a few pounds, maybe it’s not just food weighing you down.  And if it isn’t food, then trust me, you too might lose a few pounds if you just let your past go and walk into the future with Jesus.  He was there for me, and he’ll be there for you.  I’m convinced I’ve lost dropped 2 dress sizes, since Friday!!!!