How Do Saints Achieve Harmony With Others?

Do you yearn for better communication with others?

If so, you want good and healthy connections, and therefore good relationships with others. Saint Francis de Sales wrote letters to those in his life to help maintain connection. Regularly in those letters he encourages, but occasionally he might be a bit more forthright when it was warranted.

This newest chat installment stems from such a letter. Our chatters approach the topic from many angles. They consider whether St. Francis’s response was appropriate, and what it would be like if a bishop were to correspond with someone like this today. Learn how such struggles can make us stronger, and discover the importance of reconciling with God and others. 

As you approach this topic, take the time to pray for someone with whom you have a rocky relation, or who has become estranged from your life.

And check out our Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Each Sunday at 7:30 pm ET we read a passage of St. Francis de Sales and then gather great insights and sharing.

Speak No Problems, Have No Problems?

Question: Why is failing to address an issue able to make a problem worse between people?

Louise: Because no one is listening!

Gianna: Because of misunderstanding to begin with.

Louise: Having a serious disagreement with some we love is a challenge. It is easier – I think – to bend if we are Christ-centered. More ready to see the other side.

Gianna: Can you draw from personal experience? For me, my husband, son, and daughter in law I am most comfortable trying to fix a misunderstanding. A very good friend as well. Especially when there is a true misunderstanding.

Louise: Yes – when feelings are hurt by a sister, we are more eager to make things better – than to be “right” and more willing to listen with love.

Gianna: Thanks, I so appreciate your advice.

Caroline: I think it is because the argument stays inside someone’s head, and they believe they know what the other person is thinking.

Visitation Sister: Lack of communication is a key factor in difficult relationships.

Denise: That makes sense, Sr Susan, that it is a key factor. Communication and prayer are key in relationships, otherwise the evil one can insert misunderstandings.

Gianna: Yes.

Louise: When you hear the other person’s pain and anger, you want to help and support rather than be right.

Visitation Sister: Trouble is often people don’t have good skills to communicate in a way that others understand and are not offended by.

Gianna: True.

Caroline: I can be guilty of that, Sr Susan. Someone once told me if you did not state out loud every single thought I have then they are free to just make stuff up. I asked if it had ever occurred to her to simply ask me what she wanted to know. She said no, I should know.

Louise: Yes, and that is so painful.

Gianna: Trying to be balanced. Not enough information or too much information.

Caroline: And some people are more naturally reserved than others. I am a very private person. It takes me a while to get warmed up.

Sherry: I think you have a lot to say Caroline… I am glad you are not holding back here.

Louise: Example: When my father was dying, he told me and my brother simply: Don’t fight and share the money. So, I really took that to heart – and I deferred to my brother’s wishes in all the arrangements, even though I would have done things differently.

Gianna: God bless you, Louise, you did the right thing! You kept the peace of God between you and your brother. Knowing what I know now I would have completely walked away and let my brothers have everything.

Sherry: Beautifully lived humility, Louise.

Louise: Yes! Father’s dying wish. He made it clear what the priority was – our love for one another – and my support for my brother helped him.

Caroline: I can relate to that, Louise. My brother and I had much conflict when I was my dad’s caregiver. A couple of years later, he called me out of the blue and said he’d be helping his wife care for her father. And then he said all I could say I’m sorry.

Sherry: How did you receive this, Caroline?

Caroline: I forgave him. We have not fought since–about sixteen years now.

Sherry: Wonderful, Caroline.

Caroline: I’d rather have my brother than be right.

Sherry: That’s sacrificial love, Caroline. If we don’t address an issue. Then one person is waiting for a change – and is getting impatient if nothing changes…. While the other person does not even know that there is an expectation of a change…. So, there is disharmony created often – that is felt by both parties. But it is vague – and not in the open.

Struggles Make Us Strong

Question: Are relationships only true when they have no issues, or based on how they resolve issues?

Caroline: I think a relationship with no issues is not true, or at least shallow.

Gianna: Yes.

Denise: If relationships have no issues, it seems someone or both are shutting down. I have some relationships like this. Daughter-in-law…do not rock the boat is my motto.

Sherry: Again... It takes humility to allow yourself to see you as jealous.

Visitation Sister: Real relationships are bound to have conflicts at times, but how we approach them is very important. Yet we all slip.

Caroline: Many times, our problems with others stem from something inside ourselves. And occasionally it is the other person.

Gianna: Yes, that’s why I love weekly confession and daily mental prayer.

Visitation Sister: Sometimes with siblings we can have similar traits and that can annoy us because we don’t actually like that trait in ourselves.

Gianna: Yes.

Sherry: Yes, that’s true...

Denise: Correct.

Gianna: So true!

Sherry: The question that rises in me is… when does an issue become an issue?

Caroline: Is that what Jesus meant when he said to remove the plank in your own eye before you go after the mote in someone else’s?

Gianna: Yes!

Sherry: I mean... There are many things that annoy me about my daughter often. BUT... I love her so much that I do not let it become an issue...

Sherry: I think love is really open to “forbearing.”

Visitation Sister: Good distinction.

Sherry: But hey... How often do we really love? Being offended is easier than forbearing, at least for me.

Visitation Sister: Trying to change someone can move it toward an issue.

Gianna: Yes.

Sherry: But trying to change someone without their desire to change… is definitely a sign of lacking love, I think. Because I want to mold the other to my liking. So, the other basically becomes reduced to an object that has to function, to my delight.

Gianna: Yes.

Caroline: I would agree. I think there’s some pride hiding in there.

Gianna: Yes, sadly true.

Denise: If the issue between two people is one is Christian and one is not, this can be an issue.

Sherry: Yes Denise, because two completely different worldviews clash then.

To Fight or Be Forthright

Question: What is wrong about being forthright? What is good about it?

Caroline: Forthright or just plain blunt?

Gianna: It can come out as harsh and unloving.

Louise: Fear. Sometimes we want to point people we love in a direction that we think is better because we fear that what they are doing is bad or dangerous.

Denise: I am forthright to a fault at times.

Sherry: I am Austrian. We invented forthright, I think.

Caroline: I thought the Polish did, lol.

Louise: Forthright people must be gentle and with true love for the other person’s feelings.

Gianna: That’s when you know it’s from God.

Denise: Like when Jesus tossed the merchants tables.

Sherry: Isn’t forthright something negative? I am not sure if I understand the word in its nuance.

Gianna: Getting to the point?

Visitation Sister: I equate it with honesty and speaking the truth, but maybe that is not the definition.

Denise: I agree, Sister, going straight to the point.

Gianna: Not beating around the bush.

Caroline: Forthright to me is an unvarnished truth. But we can choose words carefully to avoid unnecessary offense.

Louise: Well, righteous indignation has its place.

Sherry: Thank you, all.

Sherry: Truth and Grace should always come as twins, I find.

Rebecca: Truth with grace. Twins. I like that. But it is sometimes so hard.

Gianna: It helps a lot. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Sherry: … isn’t that from Mary Poppins?

Gianna: Yes!

Sherry: I think – when it is noticeable for the other that hard truth is offered ONLY for the sake of the good of the other. Then it is really easier to take.

Louise: If you see someone hurting someone else – righteous indignation is appropriate.

An Unholy Saint?

Question: Do you think that St. Francis is deflecting in this letter and not taking seriously enough Madame de Gouffier’s concerns?

Visitation Sister: The question refers to this passage in the letter I think: You know very well the kind of country which produced me: Can you expect delicate fruit from a mountain tree, and such a poor tree at that? Oh, so be it, then, think of me as you please in future, but I for my part will always be yours, I repeat, wholly yours; and if I can do nothing else for you, I shall not cease to prove this before God in the holy sacrifice I offer to his Goodness..

Sherry: I would call that fraternal correction.

Louise: I think he is trying to put things in perspective.

Caroline: I get the feeling he thinks she expects too much.

Gianna: He is really sorry for hurting her feelings. She needs St. Jane to give her a hug.

Sherry: I also see it like Gianna. It feels like he is humbly coming towards her.

Denise: I thought he was making his feelings clear, his thoughts good.

Sherry: I also think that he might question her sensitivity a tiny bit.

Gianna: I hope she forgave him, I would have.

Caroline: In humility, he cannot be the perfect person she is expecting.

Reginald: I would agree with Gianna.

Denise: Having a Bishop offer Mass for you, nothing more loving.

Sherry: I think I would have answered immediately.

Gianna: He has a heart of gold.

Louise: It’s an apology: forgive my blunt ill manner - it was not my intention to hurt.

Gianna: He feels so badly for hurting her.

Sherry: And he does not want this to be the reason for a lapsed friendship. Good Relationships were so important to him it seems.

Gianna: He is the gentleman Saint, right?

Visitation Sister: Yes.

Reginald: St. Francis has a great heart.

Denise: He does state clearly “the fact is you are in the wrong” but with charity.

Gianna: I’d love for him to be my spiritual director/confessor! I would heal so quickly!

Sherry: Well... In a way he is – if you read his writings, Gianna. Especially the letters I find.

Louise: We get to heaven with the help of others. It was good she expressed her hurt – and he learned to be a better Saint.

Sherry: Rebecca, that fits perfectly with our theme tonight.

Visitation Sister: Gianna, take one of his books and when you have a question ask, pray, and open the book, you may get an answer similar to your director’s.

Gianna: Thank you!

Denise: I did not take it he feels sorry for hurting her. He is her Bishop and ultimately cares about her soul.

Sherry: I do sense some hidden remorse – about having caused the pause in their relationship.

Reginald: Introduction to the Devout Life is a good read.

Visitation Sister: Yes.

Reconciling with God

Question: How can we continually reconcile our relationship with God?

Sherry: Confession?

Reginald: Yes.

Denise: By confession and Eucharist.

Caroline: Through prayer, examinations of conscience, sacraments.

Sherry: Good points, Caroline.

Denise: Complete, Caroline!

Caroline: All that reading is good for something….

Sherry: Lol... Yes, Caroline.

Gianna: Yes.

Reginald: Self-examination.

Gianna: All yes! Say, I love you Lord always!

Reginald: A great deal attend daily Mass in person.

Sherry: Such a privilege to have Mass nearby.

Reginald: Try to be in the presence of God. In all that we do.

Gianna: Yes!

Sherry: I attended a four-day retreat – just came back. Took a Protestant friend with me – who would love to become Catholic – but her husband threatens with divorce if she does. She sat in Mass – crying – just watching our LORD in the Eucharist. That’s when I realized what a treasure it is to be able to go so often and take communion.

Denise: Yes, it is. Many people cannot even attend Mass. Or travel far. I always feel so grateful the Lord gets me to Mass.

Gianna: Awe.

Approaching Boundaries

Question: This letter speaks of a certain unnamed disagreement between the two persons, and an attempt on the bishop’s part to make amends. Does it seem that he is going overboard in expressing his feelings to this woman? How would a bishop of today write to a woman about an issue like this?

Sherry: I don’t think he writes to her as a bishop. But as her spiritual director. – who carries her soul. And he happens to also be her bishop.

Caroline: Lots of nuance to their relationship.

Sherry: My last Spiritual director, who was originally only my confessor, said once: “Sherry... There are some relationships, especially spiritual ones, that cannot be defined totally – they just have to be lived in Jesus.”

Gianna: Love that!

Denise: Thank you, Sherry.

Visitation Sister: That is memorable!

Caroline: Because Jesus is the center of every relationship.

Gianna: Yes.

Reginald: Yes, TRUE advice.

Louise: I doubt you that a Bishop today would write with depth of feeling to any friend – man or woman. It’s not safe.

Sherry: I agree, Louise, that nowadays they might be much more careful. And that might be wise too.

Gianna: St Francis is the only one I know….

Reginald: I understand. It's a sad part of our time and age.

Gianna: Yes.

Louise: It is sad.

Caroline: We do have a terrible habit of scandal hunting now and making it up if we can’t find a real one.

Sherry: “Scandal hunting” … that’s a good word.

Denise: Good term, Caroline. And I would add hyper offensiveness.

Sherry: I totally agree with “hyper offensiveness.”

Reginald: But we do have other means of communication. Such as this.

Denise: Yes, Caroline. Perhaps this is why my Bishop, I think of him as cloistered.

Visitation Sister: Interesting. Does he get involved in diocesan events? Our Bishop is very active in all parts of the diocese.

Denise: He closed all social media accounts. I think he does a few things with the faithful there. So, I have adopted the Archbishop of SF. He is transparent and engaging with the faithful.

Louise: Familiarity leads to misunderstanding, formality, however, is crystal clear.

Sherry: But familiarity also leads to profound, deep relationships.

Louise: I think the great Pope Leo XIII said that??

Sherry: If St. Francis would have stayed “crystal clear” formally with St. Jane – the world would have never been gifted with Salesian Spirituality. But I agree. Sometimes familiarity has brought priests in trouble. The enemy uses even good things...like relationships.

Caroline: It’s a tightrope for sure. This hyper criticalness we have now will pass like any other fad.

Louise: Please God – I hope I live to see it.

Reginald: It takes time and grace. TRUE this too will pass.

Caroline: It’s achieved ridiculous proportions. The balloon has to deflate–or explode. We are all just so offended by everything, including being offended. The work of the enemy.

Gianna: Yes!

Sherry: LOL. You are right. I am offended by others who are constantly offended.

Denise: Lol.

Gianna: ??

Denise: Yes, Caroline!

Rebecca: Good image, Caroline.

Louise: Asked for mutual Charity from stubborn children.

Denise: Louise, your adult children, you mean?

Denise: My adult children are in a constant state of offensiveness. I think, as Caroline said, much of this is the enemy, who seems to be working overtime right now.

Fatherly Admonition

Question: Does this letter sound a little like St. Paul writing to various Christian communities who were guilty of sins, but whom Paul wanted to win again for Christ?

Rebecca: The Swiss father of a priest friend sighed a letter — a very friendly letter to me with the same closing that Saint Francis used in signing his letter — the humble servant part — and I remember not knowing what to make of it, wondering if it was cultural, or related to his age. He had been so gracious to me when I visited in person one time.

Sherry: I think it shows how much he honored you, Rebecca.

Gianna: Wow.

Sherry: In Colossians it says… “Bear with each other.”

Gianna: Yes.

Sherry: To be honest. This letter did not remind me of St. Paul’s letters.

Gianna: No.

Sherry: St. Paul was much more “teaching” in his writings. This letter was more personal.

Gianna: Yes.

Louise: Me – but I see the connection now that she mentioned it.

Sherry: It did not have any references to church, or Christology. Tell me about it, Louise, please. The connection. You don’t have to answer if it is too complicated to write down... I would understand...

Louise: Both are sort of like a parent’s gentle instruction/and correction to a child.

Sherry: I see. And St. Paul truly came across as very paternal to the recipients of his letters.

Visitation Sister: St Paul did correct in his letters, true.

Louise: Frances wants her to calm down and remember the depth of their feelings for one another.

Sherry: And he also always pointed out if he corrected, that he is doing this out of love for them.

Denise: His wording and how he approaches with truth in love.

Rebecca: I wonder what it would have been like if they could have talked by phone. Sometimes people read into written statements a different “tone of voice” than was meant.

Gianna: Yes.

Never leave a conversation open to the enemy

Question; We all know about family members who have a squabble and cease to speak to one another for years on end. How does this letter help us repair relationships between family and friends, or prevent these breakups from getting worse?

Gianna: Avoid unnecessary conflict, put on God’s love.

Louise: Always remember to tell your siblings you love them, even if you disagree, and never forget to laugh at yourself.

Denise: Good advice, Louise!

Gianna: Yes.

Sherry: I think this letter would be a most lovely template for a family member.

Denise: I think the same, Sherry. And your children. Never leave a conversation open to the enemy.

Louise: And ask for hugs – and give them freely and often.

Caroline: We tend to treat people differently when they are above or below us.

Gianna: Yes.

Sherry: You are right, Caroline. There can be a “professional barrier” …. But everyone is human. And sometimes it is just the right thing to address a superior as a human. Outside of the role I find.

Rebecca: I like that advice, Louise.

Visitation Sister: Yes, touches the heart.

Visitation Sister: We are drawing to the close of this hour. Again, wonderful discussion and insights!

Sherry: I have to leave now. Thanks again, everyone. Be blessed with good relationships this week. And let us all love well. Good night.

Louise: Human touch is powerfully healing – who can stay mad when they get a hug?

Visitation Sister: Blessings and prayers for all during this week!

Caroline: I wish everyone a blessed week!

Gianna: Good night and God bless all of you!

Louise: ??

Denise: Thank you everyone! God’s blessings to you and your families and sisters. Night all.

Caroline: We will all be together again soon!

If you enjoyed this article, why not join us at our Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Join us at 7:30 p.m. ET each Sunday! We read a passage of St. Francis de Sales and then gather great insights and sharing!