What Masculinity (and Femininity) Is Not

            There are many opinions about what it means to be a man, about what masculinity is.  Some of these ideas are clearly wrong (example: masculinity = toxic).  Others are wrong, but less obviously so.  These ideas about masculinity are quite attractive to us, but are wrong nonetheless.  This is my focus today. 

            If you’re a Christian then you have probably at some point heard a talk or read a book/blog that goes something like this, “Real men love Jesus.  Real men are chaste and pure.  Masculinity is about doing the hard things.” 

            Even non-Christian thinkers can fall into this trap.  They can look at the etymology of the word “virtue” and notice that it comes from the Latin word “vir” which means “man.”  Even the Latin word for virtue “virtus,” is derived from “vir.”  Sometimes “virtus” can be translated as simply “manliness.”   

            The issue with these ideas is that we do not think that virtue (as we think about it today – the disposition to do the right thing, a good habit, the perfection of a power of one’s soul) is exclusively for men.  This is especially true for Christians. 

            Whenever a priest or pastor says, “Real men love Jesus.  Real men are chaste.”  It begs the questions; don’t authentic women love Jesus too?  Shouldn’t women be chaste too?  Of course the answer to these questions is yes.  So, the priest or pastor has not told me anything about masculinity or femininity, but he has told me something about human beings.  That human beings ought to love Jesus and be chaste. 

            The same holds true for virtue.  Nobody is going to say that women should not be virtuous, that they should not be prudent, just, courageous, and temperate (self-controlled). 

            The main issue at play here is that masculinity and femininity are different.  If I say that virtue is what makes a man to be manly, but then I also want women to be virtuous, then I have said that there is no difference between masculinity and femininity.  Which is clearly wrong.  So, we all acknowledge that masculinity and femininity are different, that men and women are different.  Therefore, we have to define them as differently.  In fact, in a way, they have to be mutually exclusive. 

            When we say that masculinity and femininity are different, I am not saying that they are two, unrelated things (a set of stairs and a dad joke).  Instead, I am saying that they are deeply intertwined and interconnected, two sides on one coin, two sexes of one species. 

            What is masculine is NOT feminine, and what is feminine is NOT masculine.  Some would say that they are opposed, but I am going to follow John Paul II and say that they are complementary.  They are absolutely different from each other, but they mutually enrich each other. 

            So, when we are trying to figure out what masculinity is, what it means to be a man, we must be careful that we do not take the easy answer (which is incorrect) and say something like “masculinity is virtue.”  Don’t get me wrong.  I am a huge fan of Aristotle, so I am always happy to see a good exhortation for us to live virtuously.  But that cannot be what defines masculinity, since women should also be virtuous.  Virtue is something which we should possess as human beings (both men and women are human beings, just different kinds of human beings).