Love is in the air…are we planning a wedding or a marriage?

With the new year comes new engagements, new promises or resolutions and the future looks great. It’s a new year, so the future should be great. There’s absolutely nothing that we can do about the past, or even today but the future, well, the outlook is great. Especially, if this is the year you are married! Exciting times are coming with all the venues to plan. How many people to invite. Getting our wish list together; invitations, reception, placing of everyone can’t forget our crazy cousin twice removed and where we sit him and the rest of that part of the family…or do we not invite them and come up with an excuse of limited seating available … decisions … decisions. Oh and I almost forgot, the brides dress. All important stuff to consider.

What about the most important part, receiving the Sacrament of Marriage? Why do we always place that in the backburner and expect the Church to simply allow the ceremony on this date because that’s the ONLY date available for the reception and it’s a shame that Mrs. Founder at the young age of 83 passed away and her funeral is scheduled for the same day, FATHER we NEED to have the wedding  THAT DAY! A bit of an exaggeration…not really. You’d really be surprised if you were involved in marriage preparation. Notice that word, “marriage,” I’ll be getting back to that in a moment.

Consider for a moment if you have a son or daughter who is discerning a religious life as a brother or sister in the religious community (pick one). They simply don’t walk in and say, hey, I’m here, I’m ready for my vows, lets get this over with. NOPE, in some religious communities it can take up to 5 years from the moment the person is “accepted” as a postulant to final vows. What the heck? Why so long to be a brother or sister? You have to learn that community charism. Franciscans, Dominicans, Redemptorists all have different charisms and all perform their work differently albeit all for the Church and for God. Sometimes the person discerns themselves out of the vocation or the Order does that for the person.  My point, it takes time.

How about becoming a priest? If you are thinking a secular priest or religious priests, timelines are different. Secular or Diocesan can be 8 to 10 years. Religious, depending upon the community, 8 to 12 years.  Again, men simply don’t walk up to the Bishop or the Superior General and simply state, I’m here and ready, make me a priest! There is a period of study for philosophy and theology.

But what about “marriage?” Seems that most dioceses require very minimal “training” or classes for marriage prep. For the most part it’s simply completing some required paperwork, providing your updated baptismal certificate which hopefully has all the annotations on the back (you’d be surprised how many don’t), meeting with Fr. or Deacon or the wonderful couple that Fr likes so much and they really mean well. Why? The presumption is you have had your entire life being molded, educated on what being married as a Catholic means by the example of your parents in the domestic church. HOWEVER, yes I know that is like yelling, most families unfortunately do not fully understand what it means to live a sacramental married life as Catholics. Sad, but true.

Where I’m at, our parish pastor requires 6 months of wedding preparation. That’s meeting monthly with one of the two deacons or himself; primarily the deacons.  When I meet with the couple at our first meeting we go over the required paperwork, request the updated baptismal certificates (even if in a mixed marriage e.g. Catholic and Protestant). And then I ask the obvious question with the caveat that I do not want the Catechism or textbook answer, I want their answer. The question is a tough one, “why do you want to get married in the Church?” You’d be surprised with the silence that follows. Many times I get this great answer and I mean this is a great answer no one has ever asks us that before! That to me is an awesome response. Now we can begin with our preparation for marriage.

Now think about that, why did you get married in the Church? Mom and Dad made you? Everyone else did so we thought we should too? I love this one seems like we should. Seriously, why? You might be living together, you might be dating for 1 month to 2 years. Everyone is different yet that question seems to stump almost everyone.

This might be a personal preference, but during the six months primarily at the beginning I like to stress that this marriage ceremony is not about the bride. Sounds rough but in todays society and all the hoopla placed on bridal gowns etc, it’s easy for brides to miss the point and easy for grooms to miss it as well. The ceremony is about the bride AND the groom. For example, there are two preferences for escorting the bride down the aisle.  The “preferred” option is the first option which states (paraphrased) the priest celebrant (or deacon) greets the bridal party at the door. The priest (or deacon) explains how the church celebrates in their joy. And they process in the normal way. What is the normal way? Great question. First Altar Servers, then the wedding party (brides maids/groomsmen) then the priest/deacon, then the bride and groom.  Makes sense considering the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage. (another question often missed is that, who are the ministers of the sacrament of marriage)  The second option, the priest/deacon are at the altar as is the groom and the bridal party comes down the aisle and then the bride escorted by her father. Now, disclaimer, that is so PROTESTANT. Holy Mother church NEVER envisioned having the father of the bride escort her down the aisle.  So take some time and try to understand the theology behind the bride and groom coming down the aisle together.

Also during the preparation time, we discuss communication skills, sacramental living, rearing children in the Catholic Faith, the Domestic Church. That’s always a fun topic as well, the Domestic Church. When asked who is in charge of the domestic church most have never heard of that term. Then they usually guess and point to one another. So we spend time on why “dad” is the head of the domestic church and why “mom” assists her husband in that role. A question I follow up with the groom is “what is your number one job?” And the normal response is, provide shelter, food, clothing, all that stuff. Then I ask the bride the same question, and she normally states supporting her husband and assisting where she can. Now, we have spent some time on the “theology” of marriage and the sacramental grace received at Mass. So I usually ask them to think about that question one more time … again, deer in the headlights. The grooms number one job is to get his bride to heaven. Her number one job, probably a lot harder, get her husband to heaven. Concentrating on that, the rest of life seems to fall in place.

So what's the point to all of this. If it takes years to become a brother or sister, or even a priest. Considering all the time spent researching and studying for tests and papers, don't you think you should spend some time outside of the normal venue etc which is all good, it is I'm not say it is not. But understanding what it means to celebrate the Sacrament of Marriage, and doing this because you want to and knowing that it draws your union in a more perfect union with God, wow. Wouldn't that be cool and fun to explain to folks why the groom escorted his bride down the aisle in front of the Altar proclaiming by that very action this is who I choose to spend the rest of my days with and I promise to be the best possible husband, to be like Christ himself to his bride, the Church. Now, that, that my friends is awesome to fully understand.

Are there going to be hard times, yes. Are there going to be great times, yes. But first and foremost and always, we need to place God first in the marriage and concentrate on building the domestic church in accordance with the teachings of the Church and what a difference our married lives become. Give a try. Dad’s/husbands (if you don’t have any children) lead prayer time nightly. Pray the Rosary at least on Sunday. Lead devotionals and novenas for various causes and purposes. Study the faith and share that joy with not only your spouse and children, but to everyone you encounter.

God Bless!