Love Makes the Word Go Round

After sitting down to write this article I googled: number of couples still married after forty years. Some interesting references popped up but the one that caught my eye was titled 40 Lessons from Forty Years of Marriage by Dennis Rainey. I shouldn’t have read it! Not because I didn’t agree with him but because I did. Rainey perfectly captured points I planned to write about. In essence, he gave witness to many of the most important lessons on loving well, for forty years and beyond, and we can all take pointers from his article. Secretly, I am hoping that I can beat him to the punch ten years from now to write 50 Lessons from Fifty Years of Marriage. The motivation to continue write this piece evaporated until the real purpose of this article was sorted out in my mind.

Why does anyone venture to write an article about their own marriage, and give tips to others that may only work for the one giving the tip? Is it to brag, to complain or to entertain — using personal experiences? Some readers may feel that articles such as this read like a judgment against failed marriages. The actual reasons can be distilled down to one — ok, maybe two — reasons. In my opinion. Marriage lessons are written to encourage those that are still climbing and trying to reach their tenth, twentieth, thirtieth, fortieth and Golden-plus anniversaries. It is definitely not because we wish to judge or entertain; and it isn’t the case of misery loving company. Rather, we write to encourage others through personal experiences. The climb is definitely worth it, even if it feels like it is mostly uphill. The valleys and the level-ground experiences ready us for the next hill that will have to be climbed. The effort is always worth it, even when — not if — our spouse disappoints us once again. The journey is worth it, even when one more act of forgiveness needs to be given away for free. Encouragement from those who have been there helps nudge the rest of us to strive to form a more perfect union that pulls and pushes us heavenward. Encouragement seems to often highlight our personal Achilles Heels that detract from more perfect unions. The Sacrament of Penance/Reconciliation serves the same purpose as we recall and ask forgiveness for quick tempers, impatience, the unconscious dismissing of a beloved, or the taking of our beloved for granted. Although not one of us will get marriage perfectly right, with God’s help, we can get it nearly right here and now. With ‘God’s grace, all things are possible’. And so, we can learn from each other how and why they learned to love better.

Encouragement is needed to fight the good fight for marriage. We are in a spiritual battle for hearts, minds and souls as it pertains to marriage — even if we don’t realize it or recognize it. Some argue, that it’s always been like this — since Adam and Eve. But, it seems like marriage has taken a decided hit. In the course of my lifetime, there has been an obvious change in attitude toward marriage. What was once seen as the gold standard; marriage is now accepted as a good thing, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s really nobody’s fault. We are less able to articulate why marriage was made for man and woman, or see the connection between marriage and God. Few are able to cogently talk about the permanence of marriage as a virtue.

I remember my parents’ struggles as they tried to make their life together work. They endured to the end and for that I am proud of them. It would have been devastating to most of us kids if they had decided to set aside their promises. Although, it wasn’t always easy, it did endure until death; they made it a lifetime. While their struggles may have been for similar reasons as other couples; their personal testimony was uniquely their own. And it did have an effect on their own children; That alone counts for much.

Today’s marriages often fail because couples listen to the voices that suggest nothing is really worth it if it’s too much work. These voices fail to speak the Truth about love, life, marriage, and commitment. And then there are sexual temptations to forego marriage ever, or to renounce vows already spoken. Consider the effect of pornography on marriages, for example. This billion dollar industry continues to ruin marriage after marriage because of its easy access, affordability and acceptability. It has even inserted itself subtly everywhere — in the selling, promoting, and advancing of everyday goods and services. Pornography use plays a significant role in 56% of all divorces, according to Peter Kleponis, psychologist and author of Integrity Restored. The reasons are many, including the following: Pornography use is highly addictive; we all understand why/how any type of addiction can ruin relationships [regardless if the addiction is to drugs, gambling, work, and sex, etc.]; Pornography conditions men to use women as objects for selfish sexual gratification and this is known as objectification. When women are objectified, they are used, maybe abused and then discarded because they no longer serve a purpose. Psychologist, Catherine Mollner, told a group of young women that many men use love to get sex and many women use sex to get love. Using others always destroys and /or damages authentic love and personal relationships. The rampant use of others today — in and out of marriage — [the many consequences to pornography use can be found in Integrity Restored ] helps to explain why marital unhappiness and divorce rates are extremely high today. Love always gives way when a person is emotionally damaged by another’s constant use and abuse and failure to change. Saint John Paul ll had the wisdom to realize that hate is not the opposite of love; rather using others [objectifying persons] is the opposite of love. That is what destroys marriage and love.

God created us to love one another — not to use each other as things that are later discarded or broken. People and relationships were not meant to be disposable. [Love and Responsibility] This insight surely explains why pornography is highly addictive — it fuels lust, which in turn persuades men and women to use other persons for their own selfish purposes. Lust is the result of the unhealthy coupling of natural desires (morally neutral) and selfishness (vice). Too many fail to recognize lust for what it really is: one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Because of its inherent nature, it generates additional sins and selfishness — this can make it turn deadly — both spiritually and physically speaking.

St. Lucia of Fatima warned us that “The final battle between the Lord and the reign of Satan will be about marriage and the family. Don’t be afraid because anyone who works for the sanctity of marriage and the family will always be fought and opposed in every way because this is the decisive issue. However, Our Lady has already crushed its head.” When did this crushing happen? It happened when Our Lord suffered and died, willingly and freely, for our sins. He was able to “reconcile all things in himself, and restore marriage and the family to their original form” in part because Mary cooperated with God’s Grand Plan. “He redeemed Marriage and the family and restored both in the image of the Holy Trinity, the mystery from which all true love flows.”(Amoris Laetitia - para 63]

You probably have read that nearly one in two marriages ends in divorce. This statistic makes divorce seem pretty normal to many people; most states permit no-fault divorce decrees to be issued to couples asking for the divorce. Also consider the optics when young people see that just as many people divorce as stay married. Yet, the untold story behind the statistics fail to reveal that divorce is thought to be one of the most traumatic experiences any person will even face in his/her lifetime, and the effects linger for a lifetime as well. So why do couples divorce? Because the “presence of pain, evil and violence breaks up families and their communion of life and love. Through sin, the relationship of love and purity between man and woman turns into domination.” {Amoris Laetitia - para 19]

And so, we have to be in the business of encouraging and teaching the good news of marriage to counter the bad news. Marriage is good for many personal and public reasons — social, economic, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical. It may be difficult to cite statistics that prove marriage is good for men, women and children, but we can at least try by way of personal example. Marriage is the only state in life that most fully supports and/or promotes authentic sexual relationships, selflessness and other personal virtue, intimacy and commitment, emotional security, social stability, the freedom to be who we are, economic security, and even spiritual growth. It matters how and why we encourage marriage. And it matters how we regard our own marriage and our marriage partner. And finally, it matters how we prepare our children for marriage — which actually gets its start when they are born! We can’t lose the battle for marriage, “for the joy of love experienced by families becomes in part the joy of the Church.” [Amoris Laetitia]

Please take the time to read Amoris Laetitia by Pope Francis first. This document has way more than 40 lessons for love, life and marriage. The following are several of the key points of Pope Francis’ exhortation:

1. The only antidote to the rampant acts of use that occur regularly — in and out of marriage — is the virtue of chastity. We have to teach it, model it, instill it, talk about it, and help the young understand its importance in order to combat the opposing vice: lust. As you have already learned, lust destroys love and marriage.
2. The Pope asks us to help couples understand the link between marital happiness and a healthy relationship with God (and Baptism and Matrimony). [par 206. Amoris Laetitia]
3. Thirdly, Pope Francis invites those who are married and those preparing for marriage to consider, reflect on, and share feelings and thoughts on the following questions in order to promote conversation about matters that really matter; to help husbands and wives better understand what is important to each other; and to grow interiorly. [para 209, 211. Amoris Laetitia]
4. Please take some time to reflect on the Pope’s four questions. [I have taken the liberty of adding to his original list; they ask similar questions but in a different way] Write down your answers and share them with your spouse. The ideal situation would be for both of you to read the exhortation first, but the questions are still worth reflecting on if you don’t have the chance to read it soon. The questions get to the heart of what we expect from our own marriage. Every couple’s answers will obviously vary, because each relationship is unique. Discussing these questions will help us know our spouse better, which helps us to love more authentically. If it's very difficult to discuss these questions with your spouse, perhaps you can find someone to help you walk through them together.
5. “Each marriage partner should embark on marriage as a life long calling based on a firm and realistic decision to face all trials and difficult moments together. In joining their lives, spouses should assume an active and creative role in a lifelong project. Our gaze has to be directed to the future that, with the help of God’s grace, we are called daily to build. For this reason, neither spouse can expect the other to be perfect. Each must set aside all illusions and accept the other as he or she actually is: an unfinished product needing to grow, a work in progress that takes patience, understanding, tolerance and generosity … By saying "I do" they embark on a journey that requires them to overcome all obstacles standing in the way of their reaching the goal.” [para 218. Amoris Laetitia]

Questions for those preparing for marriage: Questions for those already married:

• What do you expect from marriage? What expectations do you have for your marriage?

Another way to ask this same question: What are your goals for marriage? Especially with regard to social; mental/cognitive; psychological/emotional; spiritual; economic; and physical goals? Short term and long term?

• What do you understand by love? What do you understand by love?

Another way to ask this same question: What does love mean to you? What does love look and feel like to you?

• What does commitment mean to you? What does commitment mean to you?

Another way to ask this same question: What is your commitment to you marriage and your spouse or intended spouse? What does your commitment to marriage look like? What virtues are necessary to protect it? How do (will you) you personally protect and safeguard your own marriage What measures do you take? What measures do you think are too extreme? Why/why not?

• What do you want from spouse/marriage? What do you want from your spouse &/or marriage?

Another way to ask this question is: What do you want from your spouse now? Why do you want this? What do you want from your marriage now? Do you think your wants will be changing in the future? How/why/when?

• What will married life look like? What does married life look/feel like now?

Another way to think about this question is to reflect on how the feel/look of your marriage compares to your premarital expectations. Does it differ? How and why?

• Do you expect your intended to change once married? Do you expect your spouse to change?

Another way to think about this question is to reflect on what you expect to change with regard to your spouse once married? Why? What/how do you expect to change after marriage?

• What sacrifices are you willing to make? What sacrifices have you willingly made w/marriage?

• What is your resolve with regard to marriage? What is your resolve with regard to marriage?

• How well does your intended know you? How well does your spouse know you?

• How well do you know your intended? How well do you know your spouse?

Finally, the Pope mentions that married couples need to frequently and sincerely use the following three phrases: I’m Sorry, Thank You and Please. While commonsensical, this reminder to treat our beloveds with the utmost courtesy and respect is worth repeating here. Sometimes over-familiarity with spouses and other family members makes us forget to say: I’m sorry, thank you and please, often enough and meaningfully. But all of us appreciate not being taken for granted, and so these three simple phrases quickly and readily communicate authentic appreciation, a plea for forgiveness, and our love for our spouse and other family members. They help restore civility and peace and appreciation for each other like no other words can do. Let’s make it our resolution to use them every day.

It’s really easy to promote marriage when you love your own. So, let’s do it simply and honestly, but without fanfare. We all know that ‘love makes the world go round. We have all had our worlds stop when love felt like it was ripped from us due to death, divorce, physical or mental abuse, being used up or even from giving up on love. We readily understand why love makes the world go round. So, let’s love our beloveds so their worlds revolve smoothly all the way to eternity.