Boundaries, Borders, and the Nature of Love

“If it pleases the king, let letters be given me to the governors of the province Beyond the River, that they may grant me passage until I arrive in Judah; and a letter to Asaph, the keeper of the king’s forest, directing him to give me timber to make beams for the gates of the temple fortress, and for the wall of the city, and for the house that I shall occupy.” – Nehemiah 2: 6.

When God led Nehemiah to rebuild Jerusalem, He directed Nehemiah to work on the walls first. Why?

Boundaries, Borders, and Respect for Others

Everything in nature, from the tiniest cell to the largest organism, relies upon the establishment of boundaries and borders. Cells treat anyone entering through the membrane’s semi-permeable gates as a friend. Those who try to force their way in are considered as – and treated like – hostile forces to be removed by any means necessary.

Walls establish boundaries and borders. They establish where that city begins and where it ends. Those who live within those boundaries and within those borders can be said to “belong” to that place and agree to abide by the rules of that place. Those who come into the city by the gates, with permission, are considered to be friends. They show respect to the people who live there and respect for the rules of that place.

Those who climb over the walls, however, are known as invaders. They are hostile to the occupants, failing to respect their rules and laws. As Jesus Himself stated, “Truly, truly, I tell you, whoever does not enter the sheepfold by the gate, but climbs in some other way, is a thief and a robber!” – John 10:1

It isn’t possible to have love for a neighbor without first respecting their boundaries. Those who disrespect the boundaries of their neighbors and force their way into a relationship are, quite rightfully so, considered intruders at best and rapists at worst.

Dysfunctional families do not respect one another’s boundaries. Parents in a dysfunctional family crush a child’s sense of personal identity by punishing them for any attempt to put up a protective boundary. They don’t learn how to say no to anything their parents do and so they, as adults, end up saying yes to things that are harmful to themselves and others.

Creating Unhealthy Relationships

Ordering people to ignore their boundaries and allow themselves to be mistreated or molested by others is not compassionate. It is not loving to those who are being abused nor is it loving to the abuser. It does not correct the behavior of the abuser and instead allows them to continue abusing their victim. It does not stand up for the rights of those who are being abused and allows injustices to continue unabated. It is in direct violation of Christ’s commandment to “Love one another as He loves us.”

This is no path to true peace. It is a path to creating deeply dysfunctional relationship dynamics where one side inevitably resents and fears the other side, and rightly so, for the abuse they endure while the other side feigns being the victim of that resentment. Those who would argue that borders are wrong and that those who establish boundaries are in the wrong must argue with God that He is in the wrong for helping every single organism on the planet establish boundaries and borders.

Catholic Teaching and the Nature of Defense Against Intruders

The Catholic Church has long argued that people have a right to defend themselves, their families, and their homes from intruders, even if doing so requires the killing of another human being.

“The legitimate defense of persons and societies is not an exception to the prohibition against the murder of the innocent that constitutes intentional killing. "The act of self-defense can have a double effect: the preservation of one's own life; and the killing of the aggressor. . . . The one is intended, the other is not" [St. Thomas Aquinas, STh II-II, 64, 7, corp. art.].” – Catechism of the Catholic Church - 2263

While, yes, we are called to be compassionate to those who violate our boundaries – we are not called to allow the intruders to occupy our homes or take over our lives or rape our children and daughters. We are called to defend the defenseless and to stand up for the rights of those who cannot stand for themselves.

“Legitimate defense can be not only a right but a grave duty for one who is responsible for the lives of others. The defense of the common good requires that an unjust aggressor be rendered unable to cause harm. For this reason, those who legitimately hold authority also have the right to use arms to repel aggressors against the civil community entrusted to their responsibility. – Catechism of the Catholic Church – 2265

Deporting those who have invaded our country rather than shooting them on sight or executing them is a merciful way of engaging in the legitimate defense of aggressors against the civil community. It enforces the right of the sovereign nation to protect its borders, and thus protect its people, from those who prove themselves thieves and bandits by climbing over the legitimately constructed walls around that nation.

Love Is Not License

There is a vast difference between loving our neighbor and giving them free license to do as they please with our homes, ourselves, or our goods. Love demands respect. God establishes boundaries with His children. He tells us what He expects from us in terms of behavior and He rightly enforces those expectations. We can be ex-communicated from the community for violating them and, ultimately, lose our place in Heaven if we continue.

This is why Jesus warned us that those who love Him are not those who call him “Lord, Lord,” but, “Those who love me obey my commandments,” – John 14:21.

We must respect Christ’s boundaries, and God’s, if we wish to live with Him in paradise. The same thing is true of any nation on Earth. Love is not a free license to do as we please with the body, goods, or home of another. It is a relationship of mutual respect. Respect that begins with respect for the boundaries and borders we each establish.