Respecting the Delicate Boundaries in Man-Woman Friendships

People in a happy marriage might be heard saying, “God gave my spouse to me.” This language of exclusivity seems reserved for marriage, but can it be applied to meaningful, non-marital friendships, particularly between members of the opposite sex?

This point of exploration opened up a deep conversation about discerning God’s call in our relationships, spiritual accountability, being the body of Christ, tuning into the Holy Spirit, and…limping in the desert like patriarch Jacob.

All of this was discussed in our most recent “Living Jesus” chat discussion below.

And join our Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Each Sunday we read a passage of St. Francis de Sales and then gather great insights and sharing.

Holy Friendships

Question: What does it mean that God gives us to someone? Isn’t this only something married people should say?

Caroline: I think God does give us to people in all kinds of different roles.

Sherry: I have a friend who has been on a pilgrimage, I think with her church. One day after a prayer time, the priest from her church who travelled with them came up to her and said, “I think the Lord has given you to me,” and it was not a Salesian priest. The two of them have a most beautiful and pure spiritual friendship now.

Rebecca: No. I think a deep, long-time, friendship is a gift from God! Good example, Sherry.

Sherry: I think that’s how I felt when I met my husband. God has given each other to us. I actually thought that we should have a spiritual friendship, but my husband said, “I do not do friendship with women.”

Caroline: So, we got married.

Sherry: My husband has changed his mind since then, just for the record.

Caroline: Today my new parish had a town hall meeting to talk about how to improve things. Mostly people already in ministry, but a couple newbies like me. We all left with the sense we were called there today for some purpose. Oh! I haven‘t told you yet! God performed a miracle and got me into an apartment I should not have qualified for. It's right across the street from my new parish. Literally.

Sherry: Caroline!!!!!!!! That is so amazing! Thank you, Lord, for such a wonderful prayer answer! You are in an apartment, Caroline! I am so happy for you!

Caroline: He said, “won’t you be my neighbor?” just like Mr. Rogers.

Visitation Sister: Wow, Caroline!!

Sherry: Lol…. You have the best neighbor now, Caroline. And you will be a good neighbor for him too.

Caroline: So, in the morning, I say lauds, then run across the street for adoration and Mass.

Rebecca: Wonderful, Caroline! How I wish that could happen on the state, national, and international levels, too.

Sherry: Caroline, you so so deserve this.

Caroline: There’s no telling when or where he’s moving me again, but right now I’m most definitely hiding in the shadow of his wings.

Rebecca: That’s great, Caroline. Easier to get to adoration.

Caroline: I got added to the rosary group before you could say boo.

Rebecca: ?? Mr. Rogers.

God Gives Us to Each Other

Question: Why do you think Saint Francis was so struck by his encounter with Saint Jane, such that he believed God gave her to him?

Sherry: Back to the question. I think St. Francis was so struck because God has spoken. And St. Francis Like my husband maybe… did not expect that god would offer him a spiritual friendship with a woman.

Caroline: I think men and women can be just friends, but it must be managed carefully.

Sherry: I totally agree with you, Caroline. Lots of honest accountability is necessary.

Visitation Sister: And St. Francis prayed long and hard about whether to take on St. Jane as directive but was convinced God wanted him to.

Sherry: Yes, you have to really pray about something like this.

Caroline: If the friendship is not inspired by God, it can turn into something deadly.

Rebecca: I agree, Caroline. And I think there has to be a very high level of maturity, spiritually, emotionally, in every way, real self-knowledge.

Rebecca: I wonder if there was a big age difference between Saint Francis and St Jane Frances de Chantal.

Visitation Sister: 5 years.

Caroline: Because that would make it more like brother and sister.

Sherry: I have a beautiful spiritual friendship with a priest. I think I spoke about it here before. There is not an ounce of attraction between us physically, but we truly feel that when we talk about spiritual things, that God makes these talks fruitful for both of us. So, we meet once a week on the phone now. And we both find the other person enriching for our lives. But the boundaries are very very clear.

Rebecca: In Virginia, years ago, I witnessed a tragic turn in what was supposed to be a counseling situation. The charismatic prayer group leader was married, the father of at least six children. Supposedly he was helping a female . . .

Sherry: Oh, Rebecca I have seen many male leaders fall by foolishly going into “spiritual situations” – and falling by not being strong enough to stand against temptation.

Sherry: We had two priests last year in our diocese who left the priesthood for that very reason.

Knowing the Right People

Visitation Sister: Would you agree that it is important for us to meet the right people in our lives to accomplish certain ends?

Caroline: Yes.

Sherry: I think God himself is interested in linking us with the right people who carry the right charism to support us in our endeavor.

Rebecca: I say, definitely, sister.

Caroline: As in all things, discernment is paramount.

Visitation Sister: I think God sends us the right people, but we need to recognize them.

Rebecca: Once when I was quite anxious about whether or not I’d be able to remain faithful when I felt so isolated in my Catholic faith. God made a personal promise to me: He would always give me the friends I need, to be true to him ‘till the end of my life. I have still been lonely at times, but he has, indeed, kept that promise.

Sherry: Oh, Rebecca That is so wonderful. What a sweet, sweet promise God gave you.

Sherry: It sounds like a true prayer answer straight to a big question of your heart. I am so touched.

Caroline: I think we are not meant to go it alone. Even hermits gather as a community. We are all soul companions for each other. The body of Christ needs each other.

Rebecca: I am almost in tears just now with gratitude. He knows what is important and provides it.

Sherry: Big hug, Rebecca.

Caroline: Yes, big hugs!

Rebecca: Thanks! You have become loving arms of the body of Christ!

Searching for the Right Person

How do we “tune in” to the Holy Spirit’s promptings in this area? How do we search for such people, and discern whether we will work well together?

Sherry: I am still searching for a person that can support me in my ministry. Mostly with admin stuff I am praying that God will bring that person along. I have found one person now which I have to pay, but I think it works well, and another person is coming alongside, who is carrying the vision here with me more. I see both as a prayer answer.

Visitation Sister: I have not ever actually searched for a person except once being on a team to find a principal.

Caroline: Sometimes we think we are meant to be in with someone, but it is only superficial. We would not be unequally yoked.

Sherry: Oh, Caroline, these words are coming to my mind daily when I think about my daughter’s relationship.

Rebecca: Even some unequal yoking can be from him.

Sherry: Interesting, Rebecca, that you are saying this.

Caroline: He can unequally yoke us to teach us.

Sherry: Good point, Caroline. She is wrestling with God and the church… but wrestling makes people stronger usually.

Caroline: Because God always wins.

Sherry: I hope she does not walk away, limping forever like Jacob.

Rebecca: I do not know the latest details about her “love life,” but there are so many factors that go into a relationship.

Sherry: You are right, Rebecca. And she has said no to this young man for a whole year. Ahh It is complicated. Anyways, when God puts her on your mind, please send a quick prayer up.

Rebecca: Of course, Sherry!

Limping in the Desert

Rebecca: Why does Jacob’s wrestling with angels come to mind just now? And to this day his injured thigh has a place on the Passover seder plate. Symbolically of course.

Sherry: the desert is a dangerous place – when one is limping the eternal trust in God has been stamped on his body.

Sherry: Do you ask me, Rebecca, why I mentioned that?

Visitation Sister: ???

Rebecca: Oh Sherry, I am not asking you, I am asking myself.

Sherry: Sister Susan. Did we confuse you? Can I clarify for you? What is your question sister?

Visitation Sister: Yes, please.

Rebecca: Like a dream image that needs to be explored more when awake in God's presence.

Caroline: It’s like using imagery in prayer. Pretty Ignatian.

Visitation Sister: Oh.

Caroline: Oh well. I see the limping of Jacob as something very dangerous in the desert. Not being able to run. Can be a death sentence in the desert. So from that moment on, Jacob had to fully trust God – to keep his life… is it a bit clearer now? Sorry for the confusion.

Visitation Sister: Yes, I get it now.

Rebecca: I think you understood “my” biblical image better than I did. Your interpretation will help me cope with the aftereffects of chemo and severe arthritis better, maybe even be more grateful for the “forced” trust it necessitates.

Clerical Careerism

Question: Why is it important for clergy to not pursue the bishopric or becoming cardinal as an aspiration or “career goal”? Why was it so important that Saint Francis was hesitant about the idea of becoming cardinal?

Sherry: He has founded his ministry on humility. And he continued it in humility.

Caroline: I think the duties and responsibilities are greater the farther up you go. Those who are first are servants of all.

If you enjoyed this article, why not join us at our Living Jesus Chat Room of the Visitation Sisters. Join us at 7:30 p.m. ET each Sunday! We read a passage of St. Francis de Sales and then gather great insights and sharing!