Ever hear a kid loudly proclaim—“I don’t want be a veggie or the turkey” in a school play. Well many are the times we still will protest “I don’t wanna!!”
Since April of this past year, I have once again been experiencing symptoms of a unknown physical problem that have Doctors shrugging their shoulders, even after tests are done. They are the same symptoms I had two years ago---and I, myself noticed some common circumstances in life that were occurring once more. Once more the Divine Physician was sought, as He should be and as time went by, leading up to the yearly Arkansas Catholic Charismatic Conference—God set up in my life the necessary preparations to do His type of testing. (His prep can be just a cleansing and painful as a prep for a colonoscopy, He knows how to get the job done!)
My husband went to visit family for five weeks so God could show me how much I missed him, even with his little ‘bad habits.’ After coming home, within a week, temper and anger, frustration and bitterness were all triggered especially as my physical condition deteriorated and I resented his lack of understanding. I mean, he should know exactly how I feel considering we shared similar aches, pains, weakness, and mental forgetfulness.
As always God was ever faithful and sent the right Scriptures to help when I needed His guiding words the most. “Why are you Weeping Woman” was one Scripture that opened my eyes to how my emotions were not lining up with ‘faith and trust in Jesus.’ Then two days before the Conference---watching Mass on EWTN—I heard the Words of the Gospel, where Martha is complaining to Jesus about Mary’s lack of help. Immediately I busted laughing out loud as I heard my own inner self complaining about Bob’s lack of help in our home life. He is disabled and unable to work and I still pull 3 shifts a week. “Not fair God, it's not fair!”
At one point I remember God asking—“Did you not say your life is Mine to do with as I please?”
“Well, yep, I did say it, like 50 years ago.”
“And, everyday since—with that Morning Offering prayer.”
“Okay, I give in—lead me back to where I belong.”
So I go Saturday to the Conference, where the speakers were all speaking on roots of emotional behavior and need for inner healing. These were the same teachings that I had already been taught over the past 20 years. I must be getting forgetfu,l for it seems I still needed to go around this mountain of anger again.
At some point in the afternoon, my eyes and mind were opened to a VERY enlightening revelation. Could it be possible that my symptoms were the response to my subconscious desire to be ill, so that I did not have to be the one carrying the extra load? Not only was I carrying the extra load physically, but spiritually, because I had to ‘understand, be patient, forgiving and loving’ when my husband was ‘Mr. Grump’ due to his problems. Needless to say, I was not doing a very good job of being Mary and rebelling loudly about having to be MARTHA!! Therefore, my solution was ‘illness’ for, if I was unable to work, then I no longer have to carry that ‘responsibility’ load. God had to remind me, “Whose load is it, and whose job is it to carry that load? Give it all to Me, and I will give you rest, and heal you once again.”
What God, through the speakers, was saying loud and clear---“There is a spiritual battle going on everyday of your life!” He was showing me all the ways that the ‘red cockroach’ was out to steal, lie, destroy, and how my self pitying ego was buying every discouraging word he was sending my way. Then there is the icing on the cake of all lies---GUILT—that I am not being good enough. No wonder the outer body was manifesting the struggle within the inner spirit. Ah, Truth at last, and know it is the truth that will set us free of any crippling disease of mind or body. That pest was even trying to shut down my mind, and in doing so, shut down the podcast “It's Me God” and the God’s work in written words. Body, mind, eyes and ears all were under attack and I was accepting the symptoms as an out. “I don’t wanna be Martha anymore.”
What is the treatment for God’s diagnosis? There must be more of a balance of Mary and Martha’s role in my heart. Be in The Word of God more, as it is my sword. More time at the foot of Jesus—at home and an Hour of Adoration a week. Rejoice, and be thankful in all things and pray without ceasing, keeping that guard up. And every time that cockroach shows up, dance on him, with words that proclaim, I am a CHILD of GOD, called, chosen, redeemed and protected by love of the Father, Son, Holy Ghost and Mary my spiritual Mother. I must speak to that stinking pest and tell him where to go and St. Michael will be happy to deliver him there. And, please God deliver us from those temptations, PLEASE!!
Our thoughts must always line up with the “Words of God and the Fruits of the Spirit.” Trust me, the battle will never stop---but the victory is already won as we are under the Helmet of God’s Saving Grace, and His Truth of who we are in our heart! And when we share that love and knowledge by serving God and others—Joy and Peace reign in our hearts. I noticed that all during the past 4 months, I always felt GOOD when thinking of, or praying for, or helping others! To know, love and serve God ---- this is why we live and how we live well!!
Viva la Martha and Mary and your roles in our lives!!! Thank you Mary of Knots for untying the knots of negative emotions binding up my heart and body and thank You, God for the attitude adjustment, and for the power of Your mercy and love."