To a Young Catholic Widow
Who's Teaching Our Kids About Pornography?
Photo by Emily Wade on Unsplash
Hunched over the monitor in my college computer lab, I innocently clicked on an email and instantly recoiled in shock, as if I had unwittingly grasped a cockroach in my fist. It was the infancy of the Internet, and I was seeing something I had never seen before—a thumbnail-sized pornographic video. I still keenly recall the wave of repulsion that stung me as I quickly minimized the picture—the sense of guilt and shame over something that had been in no way my fault. In that instant, I learned that the Internet was fraught with potential dangers.
Fast forward to an evening several months ago when I wandered into our basement family room. My husband had left the TV tuned to a comedy channel while he took care of something in the garage. As I entered the room, the next movie—a rather dated-looking flick probably from the late ‘80s or early ‘90s—was just starting, and I found myself mesmerized by the opening credits—a suggestive scene reminiscent of a striptease, punctuated by a sleazy soundtrack. I could easily have changed the channel, but I found myself mesmerized by the carefully orchestrated indecency on the screen. By the time I tore myself away, I had been catapulted into the same sense of guilt that had attacked me decades ago after my accidental glimpse of the pornographic video in college.
The only difference was that this time, I had been complicit in the exploitation of that actress in the movie, doomed to be re-objectified in reruns decades after she chose to play the role. Was I watching hard porn? No. Was my sin unforgiveable? Certainly not—Confession is a wonderful way to get rid of all that icky stuff. But the incident bestowed on me a much-needed dose of humility and made me think even more seriously about the dangers of pornography than I had before. If, after the faithful example of my parents, excellent middle-school chastity education classes, and significant exposure to JPII’s astonishingly beautiful formulation of the Theology of the Body, I was not proof against the cerebral high induced by pornographic pictures, why on earth would I expect the children in my life to be?
If I give my son a smartphone, even with sophisticated parental controls, can I be sure that he’s safe from wandering down the rabbit hole widened and deepened by the porn industry? If I choose not to let him have a phone, can I be sure that all of his friends’ parents are equally vigilant? Is the laptop he totes back and forth to school every day similarly porn-proof? In my experience, this standard of perfection is just not enforceable in the tech-driven world inhabited by today’s little ones. Banish all screens...and even billboards on a family road trip can cross the line!
If we fail to deliberately address the possible dangers that lurk amid You Tube videos, online games, and even seemingly straightforward sources of information, we sign off on letting our kids be educated by those who have no compunctions about compromising their emotional stability, their healthy sexual formation, and their whole future lives. A celebrity singer in her twenties admitted not long ago that her brain had become seriously warped by exposure to pornography starting in her preteen years. Craving the dopamine “hit” that became increasingly harder to obtain with soft porn, she became entrenched with abusive porn, an addiction that fueled horribly damaging sexual choices at a young age. This young woman’s story is not an anomaly. Recent polling suggests that on average, kids are seeing their first porn at the age of 11 or 12, when they are far too young to be aware of its potential long-term consequences to their development.
So what’s a parent to do? The answer, clearly, is that we need to train our children to discern what is good and what is evil, so that they can respond immediately to an accidental glimpse of pornography and keep it from becoming a habitual sin. The good news is that we, as parents, are perfectly positioned to counsel our young ones, building the trust that will be absolutely essential as they reach sexual maturity. And there are some great resources out there to make the job a lot less terrifying. I would like to point out some of the ones I have used, and have appreciated, as a parent and a middle-school catechist.
The best introduction I have found for parents who want to dive into this topic but don’t know where to start is a pair of 7-minute videos by Ascension Press speaker Matt Fradd, a Byzantine Catholic with several children of his own. Part I of “How to Talk to Your Kids about Porn” addresses the thorny problem of making quite little kids aware of potential online dangers without terrifying them or damaging their innocence. The real-life examples Matt uses here are absolutely inspired and would bring considerable comfort to any concerned parent, including me! The goal is to keep calm and make it very natural for our children to approach us if something on the Internet just doesn’t seem right. Matt does it so well here I advise you to check it out for yourself:
https://media.ascensionpress.com/video/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-porn/
Part II of “How to Talk to Your Kids about Porn,” linked below, expands the topic to address the experience of older children, girls as well as boys, who might have already seen porn or even be in the throes of addiction. Matt’s guiding principle here is that young teens and pre-teens naturally have a great deal of sexual curiosity. Therefore, it’s not really the kids’ fault if they see things they shouldn’t—it’s on us as parents to protect them and to get them help if they need it. It’s really excellent:
One of Matt’s recommendations here is Kristen Jenson’s straightforward and very non-scary book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids:
https://www.defendyoungminds.com/product/good-pictures-bad-pictures
It’s an illustrated book with several short chapters that generally defines porn as pictures or videos showing people wearing few or no clothes. If your child has never seen porn, this description will avoid putting disturbing ideas into their minds while giving them an idea of what to look out for.
I read through Good Pictures, Bad Pictures with my son when he was in fourth grade, and he now sometimes comes to me to report that he saw a picture of a cat with a bikini on, or something like that. (His Internet usage, especially outside of school, is still fairly minimal.) All I really need to do is thank him for making me aware of what he saw—the book has allowed us to lay the framework for more difficult conversations when they do come up.
The other reason I like this book is that it gives very practical advice for kids to follow in the event that they accidentally come across pornographic images. St. John Bosco counselled the boys in his charge, “Guard your eyes since they are windows through which sin enters your soul.” For Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids, that translates into very practical, immediate actions, like: “If you see pornography, close your computer lid rather than taking the time to minimize the image—it’s better to look away immediately,” and “Tell a trusted adult right away.”
There is an even more basic version of this book for the littlest ones—Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, Jr.: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds. It’s linked here:
https://www.defendyoungminds.com/product/good-pictures-bad-pictures-jr
If we forget about God’s joyful design for our bodies, Catholic “sex ed,” like any other kind, risks turning into a series of fear-based directives and prohibitions. To help orient kids toward a truly loving and life-giving understanding of sexuality, parents can check out Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids. The authors are Gregory and Lisa Popcak, Catholic counselors who host More2Life on EWTN. Beyond the Birds and the Bees is a great reference for cultivating our children’s wonderful gift of their sexuality from their youngest days all the way up into their teen years. Here’s the link for this one:
Both books are well worth the money. Honestly, these resources are so good that I have happily bought copies to pass along to friends and family.
If you are looking for resources for high school kids, I have heard some good things about this website:
I cannot speak to it personally because I don’t have any children in that age group yet, but it might be worth a look.
Parents are, of course, the first teachers of their children. However, it's also very important for parishes not to leave moms and dads to fight this fight on their own but to respectfully offer guidance to families. If you'd like to see your parish religious education program offer anti-pornography classes for kids and parents, just ask! You probably aren't the only parent who would be interested. If you are a catechist, your program may already have resources to address the subject of pornography with your students. At my parish, we use Life Teen, and our middle school EDGE curriculum includes a set of “Revealing Truth” nights for this purpose. The main Life Teen link is below:
The first "Revealing Truth" night is solely for parents and introduces the exact material to be used in the student session. Parents who feel comfortable with the information to be taught can then give permission for their children to attend. They may also opt the child out of participation in the class, and some do. However, many of our parish parents seem to support this topic being addressed with their middle schoolers. The task of nurturing their children’s God-given sexuality can be an extremely awkward one, but sometimes knowing other program parents have the same struggles can build a real solidarity among everyone involved.
Clearly, online pornography isn’t going away anytime soon. However, we as parents can be one step ahead of the porn industry. We are smarter than they are; we have the Truth which can set our children free from the poison before it takes permanent root in their impressionable minds—free to live the divine beauty and goodness of their sexuality which is recalled in the biblical prayer of young Tobiah and Sarah on their wedding night:
You made Adam, and you made his wife Eve
to be his helper and support;
and from these two the human race has come.
You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
let us make him a helper like himself.’
Now, not with lust,
but with fidelity I take this kinswoman as my wife.
Send down your mercy on me and on her,
and grant that we may grow old together.
Bless us with children. (Tobit 8: 6-7)
Take courage--He is with you always!
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