Millions Around the World Shocked to Discover Pope Still Required to Be Catholic

As the white smoke drifted up from the chimneys of the Vatican today, a cry of shock rose up around the world as millions discovered a surprising truth: Yes. The Pope is still required to be Catholic.

“I had heard the rumor for years,” admitted Joan Fowler, the TV news reporter for KNOW TV who first broke the story, “but I never imagined it was actually true. Then, I found the documents proving it. I knew I was on to a big story here.”

The documents she refers to are all certificates leaked to Joan by undisclosed sources deep within the Vatican. The first is a Baptismal certificate, followed by a certificate of First Eucharist, a certificate of Confirmation, and - most damning of all - a Certificate of Ordination.

“These aren’t just given to anyone, you know. The Catholic Church only gives these out to members of their parish and only after having completed these rites of initiation,” Ms. Fowler stated as she presented the documents.

Ex-Catholic priest Marcus Davis wasn’t surprised when he heard the news. “I’ve always thought that Leo guy was a little too interested in the little things - like who gets to be ordained, who gets a say in how the Church gets run, and let’s not forget how he kept going on and on and on about the way we’re supposed to act all holy and stuff. He just seemed so uptight. I mean, it’s not that big a deal, you know, so I didn’t understand all the fuss. I do now, though. These documents explain everything!”

Sister Polly Liebher from the Women’s Ordination or Die movement based in San Francisco, California, an organization devoted to liberating the Catholic Church from the shackles of Christ’s teachings, had this to say, “I can’t believe this guy is Catholic. He doesn’t understand anything. He acts like he’s in charge or something. The fact that he wants people to follow Christ’s teachings is just more proof that he’s a sexist pig who hates women.”

Democratic Party Vice Chair Jane Kleeb stated in a press conference earlier today, “We at the Democratic Party are deeply surprised to discover that the Pope is Catholic. We just thought he was the head of the Vatican.”

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was overheard saying to a colleague, “The Pope’s Catholic? Really? Does that mean I actually need to listen to him? I mean, I’m supposed to be Catholic. Isn’t the Pope supposed to be the leader of the Catholic Church?”

We attempted to reach the Pope for comment on this incredible breaking news, but he was unavailable. However, after extensive efforts we were able to get a quote from Vatican spokesperson, Matteo Bruni, who had this to say, “Yes, it’s true. The Pope is Catholic.”

PLEASE NOTE: This article is satire. No actual quotes were taken from anyone.